When flying transpac in J or F with Mrs. Pickles, I will wait until she's fallen asleep in her podseat, and then lift my leg a little and let 'er rip. She'll usually wake up to see who knocked.

I often go for a walk round the plane and am of the thought if you are up front and travelling at 600 mph then its a shame for those down the back

I recall a comedian Billy Connelly doing a sketch that was about a surevy of long haul passengers.

He basically described that on a 747 long haul the average passenger farts 8 times.

He then did some maths and calculated that was about 2400 farts.

He finished by sayin how sorry he felt for the porr B*****d who had to open the door at the other end

And I'll bet that that there's more than reduced air pressure contributing to the intestinal activity!

[QUOTE=wideman]Here's a neat science project for your next flight. Bring a balloon on board, blow it up to half-full, and tie it. Then watch your seatmate's surprise as the balloon expands to full size as the plane ascends.

Or you can make an El Cheapo Descent-o-Meter� like I do. Take an empty plastic water bottle, the thinner the better, and cap it very tight at cruise altitude. When they turn off the IFE, you still have something to watch. Slow motion TV substitute on the tray in front of you. Just don't let the FA grab it on a trash run!

At 8000 feet it starts to crush, time to put your shoes on. When it is almost flattened, time to place your seatback in the upright position for landing. When it is crushed, you're landed.

Pickles now the emission was it Pickled ?

A man who had just finished a 32 hour long haul trip felt very stiff and sore when he got home.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased to see him.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle

Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb.

The American says, 'What are you doing?'

The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.'

The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart.

The Japanese man looks over at him.

'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.'

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."

"Darling," says a husband coyly to his wife, "let's swap positions tonight." "What a good idea," she replies. "You stand in front of the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart."

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

OK Last one

A man goes to visit his doctor,

"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"

"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.

"They make a HONDA sound"

The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"

"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man

The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"

"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man

"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

^

No comment about flatulence, but at one point -- before I became a very frequent flyer -- I had a stretch of about two years where I'd get serious stomach pains from air pressure changes every time I flew a longer-haul flight. This disappeared by itself when I started flying more, so maybe your guts just get used to being inflated and deflated.

Beautifully put!

Steve Fenton, thank you!

One of the few times I can honestly say ROTFLMAO!

"Cropdusting"

Related links -

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/showt...ht=cropdusting

http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/showt...ing#post455263

I have studied this in detail and have concluded:

1) people of all different shapes and sizes fart - you cannot tell who will be a farter when they sit down next to you.
2) If you have the ability to belch quietly then this is a good way to minimise farting.
3) covering yourself with a blanket when farting makes little or no difference to the smell.
4) waking someone up and saying "I'm really sorry but please could you go to the bathroom" does not go down well but is effective.
5) The Boeing 777 has vastly superior air circulation to older Boeings and this makes a huge difference. I am yet to study Airbuses.
6) I tend to be "messed up" for a couple of days after a longhaul flight. The more flights, the worse it is. August saw me take 12 flights, 4 longhaul and there was some serious ugliness after that.
7) I just farted yet am not on a plane. I do live on the 34th floor though and the escalator moves fast.
8) if you make poopoo before the flight then your farts do not smell nearly as bad.
9) If you are sat next to someone wearing this t-shirt then just pull down the oxygen mask and breath through it for the whole flight.
10) If you do get caught letting one off, either through sheer volume or a smell that lingers and clings to you then grab the airfone handset and shout "speak up Mr Brown, you're through now" and sit there in glory as all the other passengers refuse to believe someone can be so shameless.