Great report as always.

I surely hope Pepe is your choice of wheels for your new life in America. It has recently been redesigned and all.

Even though there might not be much aviation related i hope you continue your tales until the family gets settled in Colorado. How are the kids taking to joining a new school in the middle of the year.

Maybe EK will start a DEN-DXB flight soon just for EightBlack. It'd obviously be a money pit with all the champagne he drinks

Priceless....If Carlsberg did Trip Reports........^

Cheers

I couldn't help but think of these two clips (see blue links above) as I was reading the latest installment. As everyone has already said, great report.

eightblack, you are truly elevating the humble trip report to an artform. While I sometimes feel sympathy for the lemons life periodically throws at you, I love it when you turn it into lemonade for the rest of us.

BTW, have you ever read David Foster Wallace's travelogues? You might enjoy them as they display the same bemused observations about the quirks and idiosyncracies of everything from cruise ships to State Fairs (something you probably experienced in Nebraska).

I'm glad you and your family made it safe and sound to Denver, even if that means this trip report is shorter than it might have been. I'm still hoping the dog might warrant an addendum, though. Last you mentioned him, he was still cooling his heels in De-Friggin-troit...

eightblack, how true this is. I love my wife, but...

Coming home from Spain earlier this week, we were relaxing in the Lufthansa First Class Terminal waiting for our Personal Assistant to come and tell us our limo ride to the plane is ready. That's when it happened. Mrs. SFO casually asks "do you have my jewelry?" OK, why would I have your frigging jewelry? Yes, apparently it was my job to remove her jewelry from the safe (which I hadn't used that night) and hand it to her. I had to run back to the hotel (fortunately it was the Sheraton), hope that my key still worked and that the jewelry was still there and get back, all in 20 minutes. Indeed, the key worked and the jewelry was there... in the open safe to boot, and I got back in 18 minutes, although sweating like a pig and not someone anyone would want to linger around.

I've come to the conclusion that I am responsible, fairly or not, for everything my wife brings on a trip with the exception of items in her purse that never emerge from it. So, not only am I responsible, but I am to be blamed if her sunglasses go missing. The safe is a mandatory check on our way out of a hotel room for me. Figure easier to check than write a BIG check to replace.

The exciting part of the trip was sadly, well and truly over. The last mile was the toughest. Take a deep breath now because the next part is bound to cause arguments across the dinner table.

You see, we were heading to Michigan. Project Mother In Law. Also known as The Big One. I say that with love and affection. I really do.

Sorry. That noise you just heard was me falling off the bar stool. I'm fine. Really.

Anyway, our final destination was Detroit. To spend Christmas. And to see if the dog was still alive. We've been going to Michigan each and every Xmas for as long as I can remember.

The next challenge though was renting a car large enough to cope will all our luggage. Thankfully this was the US. The home of large. More importantly this was Michigan. Motown. Or Motorcity. One and the same.

I don't know about you, but I rent a lot of cars. Mainly in the US and in Australia. I'd like to think I know what I'm doing. But Enterprise has thrown me a curve ball recently.

I will explain. Even if you don't want to listen.

As you probably do, I typically book and reserve a car online. Like most people. Sometimes you even receive a confirmation email from the hamster powering the interweb. You arrive at the airport. You look for the shuttle. It's driven by someone who has obviously spent time in a federal penitentiary. You get off and head towards the reception desk. With Hertz, there is an enormous amount of infrastructure at work. But with Enterprise there is one person. Called Phil. Actually there are 2. Phil who works the desk. And his cousin who does everything else.

What you book and what you end up with at Enterprise - is actually a lottery. Then there is the car rental upsell. Enterpise do the paperwork like everyone else. Then they say "someone will be with you shortly to show you to your car.."

Miffed as you may be, you wait patiently. You head outside when your name is called and Phil's cousin extends his/her hand and welcomes you to Detroit. And thanks you for renting with Enterprise. The nice person explains what car you are renting. And then they tell you about the other cars you could rent. For a slight upgrade.

The thing that gets right up my frock is this. When you enquired at check in if they had any larger SUV's, Phil was adamant that they were all sold out. They had nothing. His rental cupboard was as bare as a badgers butt.

But when you go outside to the lot, the place is car rental porn. Cars everywhere. And all available. For a fee. This happened to me 3 separate times. Once in Michigan. Then in Omaha. And finally, just to dig the knife right in, in Colorado. My new home. In fact, it was the worst in Colorado. Bloomin' outrageous.

When we finally landed in Denver, on our last and final leg, if would be safe to say that we were all over flying as a group. I reckon I had paid several hundred dollars in tips to sky caps and baggage boys. The worst of it though was the fact that I booked a mini-van - because they didn't have any SUV's. I hate mini-vans. Worst things invented. Mostly driven by psychopathic mothers on the school run. They drive them as if they had but 10 minutes to get to a shoe sale which was ending in 5...

So once we had collected our bags in DEN, I tell the clan to wait for me while I make the trek to the Enterprise lot, which seemed like it was in another state, it was so far away. Same routine goes down when I step into the office.

"Hi my name is Mike and I'll be helping you today..." says Mike
"Hi - I have a reservation for Mr Eightblack"
"Actually you have 2" Mike says with a smug
"I do?"
"Yes"
"You have an SUV booked and a mini-van"

Mike then looks me up and down and rolls his eyes, as his lips finished saying the words minivan...

"I thought you didn't have any SUV's"
"We don't" he says with emphasis
"So its the minivan then?"
"Yes I suppose" I say rather dejectedly, knowing that if my mates in Australia saw me, they would, in all likelihood, give me a damn good thrashing
"So we have you booked for 2-days at a rate of $165 per day" says Mike rather proudly

I did a double take...

"How much"" I say incredulously
"$165 a day plus taxes and tolls"
"Mike, listen brother, I don't want to buy the thing. I just want to rent it"
"Sir that is the rate on my screen. We cant change it"

Liar - I said to myself under my breath.

At this stage, I was tired and cranky and just wanted to get going. My iPhone was dead so I couldn't pull up my email confirmation with the original rate which was more like $45 a day. I just resigned to fix this when I brought the mini thing back.

I head out to the lot and there is another over excited young man doing the deliveries. He welcomes me to Enterprise and then we start to walk to the people mover.

I casually ask if they have an SUV.

"Yes sir, we do. I can do you a great rate on one if you like" says the pimple faced youth
"What about a pick up truck". That white one, the 4-door one over there" I say pointing to Detroits finest.
"Yes sir. Can do that too"
"How much would the pick up truck be?" I casually ask, knowing that Number One son would be mightily impressed if I showed up in this rig.
"Another $80 a day" snaps the pompous youth youth
"What, on top of the $160+ for the minivan"
"Yes" says boy wonder proudly
"Are you a drug dealer in your spare time. Or is this Enterprise branch part of a Columbian drug ring?"
"Excuse me..."
"Never mind. I'll take the mini thing"

In a mild state of depression, I drive something made by Chrysler, back to the airport, hoping like mad no one would see me. Or laugh.

So we loaded up the van like the Griswalds and set off for our new home. The mini thing sounded like it had angry rats under the hood and when you stepped on the gas - it didn't get any faster. Just louder. But if I'm honest, I kicked it in the guts as hard as I could just to teach it some manners.

As we came up on the exit on I-25, I saw a car dealership. I said "look, there it is. Lets go in there and take a look at the car we want to buy"

The kids moan. My wife showed about as much interest as she does when I tell her…Actually never mind.

And what happened next is why I love America. You walk into the dealership, an over zealous sales person approaches you like you are his best friend and if you want the car he or she is selling, odds are you're driving away in the thing in 2 hours or less. Even if you don't want it - you'll probably end up with it. You sign. And then you drive. I still cant believe this is how it works.

In Australia when you buy a car, the car is never in stock. You virtually have to hand over your 3rd born child, the credit check is the equivalent to someone crawling up your bum with a toilet brush and you might wait weeks to months before you hear from them again.

But in America. In America, auto dealers know you might go somewhere else.

To make it even more of a challenge, it was the 1st of the year. New Years Day. I was amazed that they were even open at all. But blow me down, not only were they open, they were determined to sell us a car. And sell us a car they did.

In the end - we took the silly minivan back that afternoon, once we had dumped our luggage. I managed to find the confirmation email and went into the returns office - fully prepared to wave both my arms in protest. But you know what. The man behind the desk was more than helpful, honored the original rate and by the time all the taxes and fees were refunded, I only ended up paying $34 bucks.

Feeling very happy with myself, I decided that we must celebrate with our windfall from Enterprise.

Which is what you must feel like doing, since my recap is almost coming to a close. Surely you have better things to do on a Saturday than read FT, right?

Go shovel some snow. Or visit Home Depot. We're at the bottom of the ninth. See you soon...

Oh gosh, I'm glad the rental worked out for you.

Colorado isn't so bad, we have some pretty awesome trails and out of the way places that make hiking a solitary experience not a line all the way up the mountain.

You can't leave us hanging like that!! So what car did you end up getting for the clan?

"Go shovel some snow. Or visit Home Depot."

Welcome back to America! That's exactly where you should be and what you do here in winter!

Great writing!

Eightback your first mistake was to rent from Enterprise, rented once, haven't been back, I like National, love the fact that i can choose any car/mini/SUV I want, in and out in under 5 minutes, with no upsale.

BTW, wonderful report!

Funny that they are owned by the same company! And yea, good report ^