Here are some real examples that have been heard and/or reported.....

"There maybe 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Your seat cushion can be used for floatation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As a plane landed and was coming to a stop at the Washingtion National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker, "Whoa, big fella..WHOA!"

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

Heard just after a very hard landing: "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault. It wasn't the pilot's fault. It wasn't the attendant's fault. It was the asphalt!"

After a real crusher of a landing, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Last Friday (I swear):

Because of the delay, we're going to let you deplane for a few moments, but please stay close to the gate, as we may get permission to leave at any moment. And remember, this is a short flight with no meal service...except for the standard foil bag of stale peanuts. Rows 16 through 35 are designated "no peanut rows" so you folks in the back will get nothing but smirks...

Dave, I believe you! That Flight attendant is an original (maybe a standup comic?)

The one flight attendant guy with mustache, very funny guy on Air Canada) after hour long delay and grumbling passengers loading bags and sitting down slowly said "The sooner you all can sit down and be good little passengers the sooner my fellow flight attendants and I can get to Toronto for our thanksgiving turkey dinner."

This was in October (My trip to the "Red Green Show" taping) when Canada celebrates Thanksgiving.



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CATMAN

Here are some more for you, ttm: http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/000216.html

I won't tell you off for repeating some of them, as the link I've given you is pretty old...(well before your appearance on FlyerTalk), but I do have a good memory.

Enjoy

baobab




[This message has been edited by baobab (edited 03-16-99).]

My favorite, A kiwi flight about 3 years ago, the Lead FA was introducing the crew and said "My name is Ann, I'll be working the front of the cabin with Jill, in the back of the cabin is My husband Paul and Paul's girlfriend Diane"

And Sunday I heard the following at EWR:

Flight xxx to Fort Lauderdale is now closed, all passengers should already be onboard.

Gee, nice to get, a sorry you just missed your flight announcement.

Ever wonder about the smoke detector warning?

I mean couldnt they just say its against the law to tamper with them. Wouldnt disabling or destroying them be tampering?

Boomer...yeah. And what about those little plaques on the seatbacks "Please keep seatbelt fastened while seated."?? Kinda hard to keep 'em fastened while standing.

baobab....thank you for not telling me off....you are right that site is old. Hopefully this new post will bring a chuckle to us freshmen on FT!!

My favorite along these lines is the flight safety card in the seat back: "If you cannot read these instructions, please contact a flight attendant"

Raeban still isn't the most comfortable person on an airplane (we always see an airport bartender prior to flight!).

For her benefit, I always pull out the safety card and point to water landing section saying, "Won't happen -- too big. We sink!" Then point to the evacuation chute section and say, "Ever seen a plane that crashes and the wings are still attached and the fuselage is in one piece?"

My own version of FA announcements...

My favorite always was the oxygen mask. It went something like this "cover your nose and mouth and continue to breath normally".
I always figured 50% were going to be holding breath and 50% were going to be hyperventilating. Breath normally?

Maybe this should be a new topic...but how about airport signage.

At LAX (and elsewhere) the "arrivals" and "departures" signs have airplanes tilting up and down. Everytime I see the "arrivals" sign with the plane tilted down (nose first), I think to myself, "I hope I'm never on an airplane that looks like that when it's trying to land." Yikes!!

Maybe this should be a new topic...but how about airport signage.

At LAX (and elsewhere) the "arrivals" and "departures" signs have airplanes tilting up and down. Everytime I see the "arrivals" sign with the plane tilted down (nose first), I think to myself, "I hope I'm never on an airplane that looks like that when it's trying to land." Yikes!!