I'm planning a trip this summer to visit Tokyo and Osaka (I've heard from fellow chefs that Osaka has a fantastic food scene).

Problem is: I don't speak a word of Japanese. I'll do the usual travel-cramming to get the basic pleasantries so that I can be polite and respectful. My major concern is not being able to read kanji, and having trouble getting around the city and ordering food (especially since I don't want to eat in the tourist traps).

Does anyone have any advice? Or a spare couch? Or a week to show me around? Or a brain that I can eat to absorb your knowledge of local language and culture?

For transportation, there are almost always English and Romaji (English phonetic translations) maps in larger train stations. It will be good to download a map of the area you will be traveling to before hand.

As for food, of course you already know some widely used terms such as sushi, sashimi, ramen, soba, tempura etc. Not at the higher end restaurants but many have picture menu and even wax displays. Most younger servers are eager to help even if their English is limited.

If you can find the book Eating Cheap in Japan (used copies are available on Amazon), it contains photos and descriptions of all the basic Japanese foods.

As noted above, most affordable restaurants have either plastic models of the food (labeled with prices) or picture menus. In fact, if a restaurant doesn't have that kind of information available, that may be a hint that if you have to ask about the prices, you can't afford it.

Thanks, that book looks super helpful! Just burned some reward cash on it (along with a Lonely Planet, because I love them to death)

For Tokyo, I recommend the Tokyo City Atlas from Kodansha International. For Osaka, the Periplus map is good and also shows the whole Kansai area.

I found I could go quite a ways with just some very basic phrasebook Japanese. Get a standard phrasebook with a cd (or find something on the Internet) and practice a bit before you go.

The excellent guidebook Gateway to Japan has a chapter called "One Hour Japanese." Though the claim may seem absurd, in fact that chapter is very useful at giving one the very basic phrases you might need.

Cheaper restaurants often have food models you can point to, or menus with pictures. Since you're a chef, you might be interested in walking around the Kappabashi section, which has a lot of shops making and selling this "fake food." They're inexpensive and make great souvenirs.

I found most more expensive restaurants will be able to produce a menu in English, even if no one on the premises actually speaks it.

I haven't been to Japan for some years, so my information may be out of date, but my most memorable dining experiences there were the Izu'ei eel restaurant in Ueno, Tokyo, Sushi Dai in the Tsujiki fish market in Tokyo, the Kamiya Bar in Asakusa, Tokyo (for the atmosphere, not the food, which is just OK), and the Kanawa barge restaurant in Hiroshima, where I had a seven course dinner, every course of which was oysters.

Hmmmm. I can think of lots of places with nary an English menu in sight.

YMMV - I haven't found this.

OP
There's a fantastic food blogger who covers Osaka. I can't imagine there's a better guide.
http://blog.livedoor.jp/osakanohonnma/
Delve through the entries (pure food porn) and use a translation tool to get the gist - it's particularly useful to be clear if the price is for a lunch or evening menu. You should also be able to cut and paste the Japanese address into Google Maps to figure out the address.
You can always print out the meal review (if it's recent) and indicate that that's the sort of thing you're after. Just be clear about the price before you finalise your order - you can do all this with sign language, restaurant staff are invariably patient and understanding (at least they'll seem that way!)
If there's anywhere that takes your fancy that you need help locating, someone here will be able to help.
BUT PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AN AFFORDABLE LUNCH TIME MENU DOES NOT MEAN THE RESTAURANT IS AFFORDABLE IN THE EVENINGS

Last year a colleague went to Osaka for a short visit and I plundered the blog for her. I concentrated mostly on highly rated great deal lunchtime offerings at but there are a few evening suggestions. Both her and her friend ate fish but not other kinds of meat and their budget was very limited thanks to a weak GBP - the map reflects this also. Anyway, here it is. LINK
The one non-fish/vegetable recommendation I included was Nihon Ryori Endo, an expensive restaurant which offers (or offered) a kickass oyakodon at lunchtime for 1,000yen