I'm planning a trip this summer to visit Tokyo and Osaka (I've heard from fellow chefs that Osaka has a fantastic food scene).

Problem is: I don't speak a word of Japanese. I'll do the usual travel-cramming to get the basic pleasantries so that I can be polite and respectful. My major concern is not being able to read kanji, and having trouble getting around the city and ordering food (especially since I don't want to eat in the tourist traps).

Does anyone have any advice? Or a spare couch? Or a week to show me around? Or a brain that I can eat to absorb your knowledge of local language and culture?