Please explain for me . . . slowly and clearly . . . what exactly a secondary screening (triggered by an "SSSS"-encoded BP) should entail. What is the required handling for both passenger and carry-on bags, and how long should it ordinarily take? (Ah, and by "ordinarily," I mean for the utterly TSA-compliant and non-assertive sheep . . . )

An SSSS screening involves a bulk-item patdown of the passenger (arms,torso, legs..not a full body patdown), a full bagcheck/ETD of his bags.

Humiliation.

Please clarify the difference between a full-body patdown and a bulk-item patdown.

Please also clarify "full bagcheck/ETD" . . . what does this involve and what is ETD?

Cee, you also don't mention how long this should take . . . .

It is hard to put a time limit on it. It really just depends on the TSO's doing the screening. Some people find it is faster, cuz it moves them to the front of the line faster.
The difference between the FB patdown and the BI patdown is just that...a FULL BODY patdown is your full body. It is the patdown you would receive if you were unable to go thru the metal detector. A BULK ITEM patdown is just the areas of your body that I mentioned (arms, torso, legs). It is less invasive and a quicker process. Then they do a complete inspection of your bag, and ETD (Explosive Trace Detection) swab the bag.

Since you're new here, I'll write down all the details. Out of an abundance of caution, the SSSS procedure is SSI (Selective Secret Information), so the Terrorists will not learn the procedure, part of the deliberate random inconsistency layer of security where the front line screeners (called TSOs) do not know the rules either.

SSSS Screening involves seven steps called �Potential Terrorist Tests� you must pass to stay out of jail free and fly today:

1. Vision Test: TSA regulations require customers to read and obey all posted placards, starting with the one over the entrance to the SSSS penalty box, �Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here.�

2. Hearing Test: You must hear and obey when the TSO mutters �Respect Ma Authoratay�

3. Intelligence Test: When asked, you must be prepared to immediately give the correct answer to �Do Ya Wanna Fly Today?�

4. Abandonment Test: Can you do without your Constitutional Rights and Dignity for the next twenty minutes? Well can you, punk?

5. Memory Test: You Must Remember,: TSA considers EVERY person, that includes you, to be a terrorist until proven innocent. "Innocent until proven guilty" does not apply, refer back to Step 4 if you need more information.

6. Patience Test: Can you stand there while the TSO pulls out your $2000 lens and lets it roll off the table with a �Oops, did I do that?�, without verbally or physically attacking the high school grad on a power trip?

7. Coordination Test: Can you reassemble your luggage and hold up your pants and put on your belt and put on your shoes (without using a chair) and run to your gate in under three minutes so you don�t miss your plane?

Congratulations! You passed the Seven Goosestep Program! TSA Mission Accomplished! The Homeland is Secure! YOU ARE NOT A TERRORIST!

Okay, so if I understand this correctly, an SSSS designation on my boarding pass will entitle me to:

(1) a semi-intimate encounter with a TSO of my own gender (assuming my gender is readily ascertainable)

(2) a thorough and exhaustive search through all of the contents of all of my belongings, which search will take place only after all the contents of my carry-ons have been dumped unceremoniously onto a dirty counter from which another passenger's dog-.... encrusted shoes have been removed only moments before.

Have I got that right?

If I should be so audacious as to carry with me a full-sized and already opened box of kleenex, would it be SOP to leaf through each of the remaining sheets in the kleenex box before moving on to a detailed inspection of my underwear? (Although, as I understand it, there is some room for discretion here, and some TSOs would prefer to do the undies first . . .)

I'm wondering.. can I tell them I'm gay and then ask for a female screener?

SSSS generally requires 2 SS'es.

Gone.

... right alongside a set of hot pink anal beads. I hear it shaves loads of time off the screening process.

Should work, as long as you also show up in drag!

It can vary by airport and equipment available. I had a recent one at DEN where I got the Puffer with no pat-down or wanding. It went a pretty fast for me especially since there were two free TSOs. One did the ETD and the other went over my bag. I did not get everything yanked out (lots of computer wires and tools). Just a "what do you do?" and a peek in every pocket of the bag.

The big plus is this was one of those times at DEN when the X-ray lines were backed up to the ID checkers. "Go directly to Puffer, do not pass Go" shaved off five to ten minutes.

It can vary from a smiling TSAer who knows that it is all a joke and does a quick examination of the bag, a quick wanding and you are on your way...

Or all the way to the TSA person yelling with veins bulging in hos neck in full command presence pose forcing you to wait until two LEOS can be present. Each LEO will have his hand on his gun just in case... The will turn each dirty sock in your carry on inside out and go through each pill in your prescription bottles.

And anywhere in between.

I had my first SSSS in a long time the other day in LGA, on a last minute one way to DCA.

What are the criteria for getting an SSSS? I often will end up purchasing last minute tickets- is it the one way that did it?