Here's a big list of them for you:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the airplane aerodynamics."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom,
"This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at
the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to auto-pilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the 737 landed and was coming to a stop at Chicago Midway, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children, or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you.

Mileage addict... that list has me still
ROLLING in Laughter. What Flaus Paux some
airline workers can make.

I know Southwest is known for its unconventional approach to the biz (I think
they used to have singing flight attendants
and the head of the airline dressing in costume.) These are very funny.

Not really funny... but the pilot on my UA
red-eye from SFO to EWR said the plane was
going to JFK and as the plane was about to take off told flight attendants to prepare
for arrival. I told the flight attendants
that was the fastest flight I was ever on...
Did UA get a new jet? Or does our pilot miss
his nap time? I made it back, so hopefully
he didn't in the cockpit! CATMAN

I love it when the flight crew have some humour.

One of my favorites was on a flight from BOS-LHR (BA of course). We landed at about 1pm on a Friday. Upon landing we taxied and were stuck waiting (when arn't you at LHR) for ages. So the Steward announces "Whilst waiting for our gate, I would like to advise our American customers that today is a very important day in Britain"

At this point you would see all the British passengers thinking - no it's not! - anyway he continued "today is POETS, and in recognition of this any of you arriving for business at not allowed to go to the office this afternoon"

It was hillarious as all these American's kept on asking what Poet we were celebrating etc. not realising that POETS day means (I'll put the starts in here and save the software the job) P***-Off Early Tomorrows Saturday.


Another one BA do quite often upon landing in the US is the pilot announces the "welocome to wherever, please remain in your seat etc etc" and then says "and may I remind you that we are now under the juristriction of US law, so if you open an overhead locker and something falls on one of your co-passengers heads, they will sue you big-time".

Another one that made me laugh was on a flight to Moscow, this guy kept on coming into Club and asking for Champagne, the first time the Steward gave him a glass, the second time the Cabin Services Director (I love BA's grand titles) came over and said he would have to pay. The passenger asked how much and the CSD said "One Thousand and Three-hundred pounds...." "That's the cost of the upgrade if you want to come into this cabin again".

I wish they would use that approach more often - especially on Moscow flights.
MF

How about this one on a Domestic American Flight:

Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain seated until the captian has turned off the seat belt sign. He would like to arrive at the gate before you do.

I could not stop laughing.

A few more:

On Southwest Airlines, just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City; one of the most bone jarring ever experienced. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,"That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight attendants fault..... it was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." Of course, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no M'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate our seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Finally, one that actually happened to me: On a Gulf Air flight from Key West to Miami (a plane w/about 15 seats)first thing in the morning. During landing, the plane hit the runway, bounced up and hit the runway again about 200 yards (4 or 5 seconds) later and bounced again (for another 3 or four seconds), came back down hard and stayed on the runway this time. At the gate, the pilot came out of the cockpit (from behind the curtain) and said "Listen folks, that was a pretty bad landing. You see, my co-pilot up here is pretty new and hasn't quite mastered the landing part yet. The good news is that your flight is over. The bad news is that I have five more flights with him today. So as you exit the aircraft, do me a BIG favor and give the guy some words of encouragement instead of the nasty glare he deserves!"

It's always nice when an airline employee
goes against the grain and shows a bit of
personality.

Most are your basic good employees, responsive, doing their job. (A few are real
sour-pusses!) On my Air Canada flight from
EWR to YYR (Correct me for Toronto's Pierson)
we had a flight attendant named Robert who
made all of us forget the flight was an hour
late (While waiting he told the gate agent
he wanted to get to Canada before all the Turkey was gone -- it was Thankgiving weekend
there.)

He joked with the passengers he was serving
like me "Sorry it's COke, you look like a Pepsi man." That's true... talked to everyone
even in coach, gave the weather report
"In Toronto it's 15 degrees Canadian, 59
American" and on the delay said " DOn't worry
folks, we'll be in Canada in time for Thanksgiving!"

THe D-C 10 got near the gate but some flyers
got up to which Robert Bellowed "Ladies and
Gentlemen, we are NOT at the the gate yet
so Please sit down... That's as nice as I
can say it."

As we got off he told everyone to eat a lot
Turkey...

It was only an hour flight but one of the best I've had. (The return trip the staff seemed a bit angry... and rightfully so, they
had to work on Thanksgiving.) CATMAN

Many years ago, I worked in retail and had to be back at work (In Seattle) the day after Thanksgiving. I flew back east for the holiday and had to take a 5pm flight home in order to get back in time for work the next morning.

The crew on that flight was in the most foul mood I have ever seen on a flight!

and the other way round (as told here about two months ago):
UA flight in 1990, LAS-DEN (no Shuttle yet) on Thanksgiving afternoon: 5 or 6 people board eco, all are invited by the head-steward to first and celebrated thanksgiving with the crew there.

and the other way round (as told here about two months ago):

UA flight in 1990, LAS-DEN (no Shuttle yet) on Thanksgiving afternoon: 5 or 6 people board eco, all are invited by the head-steward to first and celebrated thanksgiving with the crew there.

MileageAddict, regarding your post - there's nothing like being served chicken by a flight crew in a foul mood. ;O

In a way, I can sympathize with those of us
who have to work the holidays like flight
crews and news people.

On Air Canada YYR to EWR on the canadian T-giving day, I smiled an extra amount and was nicer to flight crews, knowing their
plight.

I work most holidays including T-giving and
Christmas Eve. Will NOT work New year's eve
(my birthday) and New Years Day (recovery
day.) CATMAN

SW definitely has the most developed sense of humor. One time I flew to LAX on SW. As we approached the airport over the countless lights of LA, the steward reminded us, "I used to live in LA, and my ex-wife still lives here in our old house. Those of you on the left side of the aircraft can see that she left the porch light on for us just over there."

After the plane landed it bumped along toward the gate, pausing several times, for over 15 minutes. Just before we reached the gate, the same steward announced, "We'll be stopping by McDonald's on our way to the gate so please have exact change as we come through the cabin to take your orders." People were still chuckling as we left the plane!

Arriving in ATL from DCA one day, we got to the gate and the Jetway hit the side of the plane hard enough to punch a hole in the skin and knock one flight attendant and a couple of passengers off their feet. After the confusion got sorted out and we actually started to deplane, the captain, standing at his usual cockpit-door position, was heard to say, sotto-voce, "I fly this thig six hours, with three landings, to get here, and what to I get but a woman driver?"

jeyna will be on the "woman driver" humor like a cat on drapes.

HISS to that captain! I'm already on the drapes.

A friend of mine e-mailed me with this little
observation: On a UA flight back from L-A
to JFK they put the Yankee game on the
airchat channel.

When teh Yankees won the captain got on the
mike and in his best New YAWK accent said "The Yankees win the series!!! Apologizes to
those who had bets on Cleveland."

He siad there was a mix of cheers and people
going back to sleep.

It's nice that you can keep up with the news
on some flights! CATMAN