The "Tongue in Cheek" US Press Release...
Dec 28, 2004, 10:44 am
#1
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: PIT
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The "Tongue in Cheek" US Press Release...
For Immediate Release----
(Arlington, VA). – US Airways Group (UAIRQ) today announced several steps to improve profitability after a rocky holiday travel season. "We're definitely excited," cited an anonymous USAIRWAYS executive, "We feel these new initiatives really get to the heart of what is needed to get the airline moving and make sure the flying public appreciates us for the airline that we are and not the bumbling, incompetent company depicted in recent news reports.”
First, In what is being viewed as an "aggressive move" by Wall Street analysts, USAIRWAYS has announced cancellation of all flights to Florida. "With the airplanes being constantly full with passengers as they are today, our expenses are out of control." said one USAIRWAYS representative. “By canceling all of these flights, we will save an estimated $42.00 per day by using fewer trash bags, Attaché magazines, airline sickness bags and coffee stirrers.
In another surprise move, USAIRWAYS announced it will switching to a new livery for the airline’s remaining fleet not already repossessed by creditors. The new paint scheme is to be rolled out over the next two years depending on the pace of aircraft repossession. The stylized USAIRWAYS “American flag" will be replaced with a simple but unmistakable "white flag" symbolizing a total and unconditional surrender to its competitor airlines. "We also have a design team working on a paint scheme that will be painted all along our fuselage. It will be a picture of 50 USAIRWAYS pilots standing shoulder-to-shoulder in solidarity...in the unemployment line, which has long been our tradition here at USAIRWAYS."
In a third move, USAIRWAYS announced that it is setting up a new business development group to explore a potential entrance by USAIRWAYS into the package shipment business. According to a USAIRWAYS spokesman who demanded anonymity, “We really stumbled upon this opportunity during the Christmas holidays with flying empty planes full of luggage to terminals outside of the main Philadelphia hub. We are in the preliminary stages of looking at this. We certainly would not be entering the ‘absolutely, positively overnight' segment of the market. But for those customers that can live with same month delivery ***, we could be an option.” The tentative name given to the package delivery service is USAIRWAYS ZOOM.
An added benefit to entering the package delivery segment, according to the spokesman, is that seats on aircraft will then be freed for deadheading the approximate 60 to 90 crewmembers aboard each flight now. “With only 3 or 4 revenue paying passengers on those flights, this package delivery options frees us of having to supply a level of service to those few revenue paying passengers better served by other market alternatives”, said the spokesman. The spokesman disagreed that the lost business would only flow to competitor airlines. He indicated that taxi cabs and Greyhound buses would likely see an increase in business from ex-USAIRWAYS passengers.
The company also reported radically improved employee morale on the “luggage only flights” as an added benefit to the package delivery option. Commented one USAIRWAYS crew member, “Those luggage flights are great--very much less stress without having to go through that ‘feed the geese’ routine at 30,000 feet.” The employee continued, “It also gives the crews a chance to catch up on their personal lives, which is something that the company is finally starting to understand—the need to treat the employees like real people with personal lives.”
This comment refers to a new USAIRWAYS advertising campaign set to kick off shortly after the new year. The new company advertising slogan that will be introduced then—“USAIRWAYS begins with US” is meant to signal a shift in labor-management philosophy . A USAIRWAYS spokesman commented, “We want to make sure that we have a balanced work life for our employees and to signify to all stakeholders of USAIRWAYS—employees, passengers, creditors, etc—that we are all in this together.”
The spokesman was asked to comment on recent discussions on various internet travel forums about the new advertising campaign. Those internet discussions compare the new ad campaign to the arrogance depicted in comedienne Lily Thomlin’s skit of Ernestine, the telephone company operator, whose famous words were, “We don’t care, we don’t have to—WE’RE THE PHONE COMPANY…”. The internet forum discussions wonder if, given the recent employee call offs during the holidays, the word “US” in the new ad campaign slogan of “USAIRWAYS begins with US” is really referring to satisfying USAIRWAYS employees at the expense of its passengers.
The spokesman curtly replied, “Isn’t it obvious..?”
When asked to comment on the recent Airtran Airways press release touting Airtran’s on time record, baggage handling superiority and percent of flights completed over the holiday, the USAIRWAYS representative commented, “I think that people understand the world today has become so fast paced and hustle bustle around the holidays that there is a need to slow down and enjoy the scenery. We want to be the airline that slows down and lets passengers enjoy the scenery.”
Market reaction is not altogether positive to USAIRWYS announcements, with USAIRWAYS stock (UAIRQ) trading down more than 3.1% from its pre-Christmas levels. While that magnitude of decline might seem large to most profitable companies, it is not a concern for shareholders given that USAIRWAYS stock is close to becoming a member of the unenviable group of “square root” stocks.
For the math challenged, the “square root” club of stocks are those stocks where the square root of the stock price is actually a larger number than the stock price itself. This phenomenon is not new to holders of speculative penny stocks, but it is new ground for shareholders of stocks which, historically, are considered more traditional investments. Quipped one trader, “I can’t even buy a Big Mac with one share of USAIRWAYS stock these days…!!”.
*Certain of the statements contained herein should be considered "forward-looking statements" within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995, which reflect the current views of US Airways Group with respect to current events and financial performance. You can identify these statements as forward-looking by the use of words such as "chapter 13”, “chapter 11”, “white flag”, and such phrases as “total and unconditional surrender”. Contact US Airways Group with questions. Contact the Honorable Judge Stephen S. Mitchell at the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Eastern District of Virginia in Alexandria for rulings. Contact the Air Transportation Stabilization Board (ATSB) in Washington, DC. if you are looking for payment on any overdue bills.
***USAIRWAYS ZOOM service is available at major airports offering same month delivery of packages not exceeding 10 pounds. Packages must be sent prior to the 20th day of the month to be guaranteed delivery within the same month.
....
(Arlington, VA). – US Airways Group (UAIRQ) today announced several steps to improve profitability after a rocky holiday travel season. "We're definitely excited," cited an anonymous USAIRWAYS executive, "We feel these new initiatives really get to the heart of what is needed to get the airline moving and make sure the flying public appreciates us for the airline that we are and not the bumbling, incompetent company depicted in recent news reports.”
First, In what is being viewed as an "aggressive move" by Wall Street analysts, USAIRWAYS has announced cancellation of all flights to Florida. "With the airplanes being constantly full with passengers as they are today, our expenses are out of control." said one USAIRWAYS representative. “By canceling all of these flights, we will save an estimated $42.00 per day by using fewer trash bags, Attaché magazines, airline sickness bags and coffee stirrers.
In another surprise move, USAIRWAYS announced it will switching to a new livery for the airline’s remaining fleet not already repossessed by creditors. The new paint scheme is to be rolled out over the next two years depending on the pace of aircraft repossession. The stylized USAIRWAYS “American flag" will be replaced with a simple but unmistakable "white flag" symbolizing a total and unconditional surrender to its competitor airlines. "We also have a design team working on a paint scheme that will be painted all along our fuselage. It will be a picture of 50 USAIRWAYS pilots standing shoulder-to-shoulder in solidarity...in the unemployment line, which has long been our tradition here at USAIRWAYS."
In a third move, USAIRWAYS announced that it is setting up a new business development group to explore a potential entrance by USAIRWAYS into the package shipment business. According to a USAIRWAYS spokesman who demanded anonymity, “We really stumbled upon this opportunity during the Christmas holidays with flying empty planes full of luggage to terminals outside of the main Philadelphia hub. We are in the preliminary stages of looking at this. We certainly would not be entering the ‘absolutely, positively overnight' segment of the market. But for those customers that can live with same month delivery ***, we could be an option.” The tentative name given to the package delivery service is USAIRWAYS ZOOM.
An added benefit to entering the package delivery segment, according to the spokesman, is that seats on aircraft will then be freed for deadheading the approximate 60 to 90 crewmembers aboard each flight now. “With only 3 or 4 revenue paying passengers on those flights, this package delivery options frees us of having to supply a level of service to those few revenue paying passengers better served by other market alternatives”, said the spokesman. The spokesman disagreed that the lost business would only flow to competitor airlines. He indicated that taxi cabs and Greyhound buses would likely see an increase in business from ex-USAIRWAYS passengers.
The company also reported radically improved employee morale on the “luggage only flights” as an added benefit to the package delivery option. Commented one USAIRWAYS crew member, “Those luggage flights are great--very much less stress without having to go through that ‘feed the geese’ routine at 30,000 feet.” The employee continued, “It also gives the crews a chance to catch up on their personal lives, which is something that the company is finally starting to understand—the need to treat the employees like real people with personal lives.”
This comment refers to a new USAIRWAYS advertising campaign set to kick off shortly after the new year. The new company advertising slogan that will be introduced then—“USAIRWAYS begins with US” is meant to signal a shift in labor-management philosophy . A USAIRWAYS spokesman commented, “We want to make sure that we have a balanced work life for our employees and to signify to all stakeholders of USAIRWAYS—employees, passengers, creditors, etc—that we are all in this together.”
The spokesman was asked to comment on recent discussions on various internet travel forums about the new advertising campaign. Those internet discussions compare the new ad campaign to the arrogance depicted in comedienne Lily Thomlin’s skit of Ernestine, the telephone company operator, whose famous words were, “We don’t care, we don’t have to—WE’RE THE PHONE COMPANY…”. The internet forum discussions wonder if, given the recent employee call offs during the holidays, the word “US” in the new ad campaign slogan of “USAIRWAYS begins with US” is really referring to satisfying USAIRWAYS employees at the expense of its passengers.
The spokesman curtly replied, “Isn’t it obvious..?”
When asked to comment on the recent Airtran Airways press release touting Airtran’s on time record, baggage handling superiority and percent of flights completed over the holiday, the USAIRWAYS representative commented, “I think that people understand the world today has become so fast paced and hustle bustle around the holidays that there is a need to slow down and enjoy the scenery. We want to be the airline that slows down and lets passengers enjoy the scenery.”
Market reaction is not altogether positive to USAIRWYS announcements, with USAIRWAYS stock (UAIRQ) trading down more than 3.1% from its pre-Christmas levels. While that magnitude of decline might seem large to most profitable companies, it is not a concern for shareholders given that USAIRWAYS stock is close to becoming a member of the unenviable group of “square root” stocks.
For the math challenged, the “square root” club of stocks are those stocks where the square root of the stock price is actually a larger number than the stock price itself. This phenomenon is not new to holders of speculative penny stocks, but it is new ground for shareholders of stocks which, historically, are considered more traditional investments. Quipped one trader, “I can’t even buy a Big Mac with one share of USAIRWAYS stock these days…!!”.
*Certain of the statements contained herein should be considered "forward-looking statements" within the meaning of the Private Securities Litigation Reform Act of 1995, which reflect the current views of US Airways Group with respect to current events and financial performance. You can identify these statements as forward-looking by the use of words such as "chapter 13”, “chapter 11”, “white flag”, and such phrases as “total and unconditional surrender”. Contact US Airways Group with questions. Contact the Honorable Judge Stephen S. Mitchell at the U.S. Bankruptcy Court for the Eastern District of Virginia in Alexandria for rulings. Contact the Air Transportation Stabilization Board (ATSB) in Washington, DC. if you are looking for payment on any overdue bills.
***USAIRWAYS ZOOM service is available at major airports offering same month delivery of packages not exceeding 10 pounds. Packages must be sent prior to the 20th day of the month to be guaranteed delivery within the same month.
....
Dec 28, 2004, 12:06 pm
#2
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Los Angeles
Programs: UA 1K, AA 2MM, Bonvoy LT Plt, Mets fan
Posts: 5,073
I figured out which part was the joke...
The only non-real part was the thing about ZOOM at "major airports".
You meant "major airports in the mid-Atlantic region", right?
Nice job...
You meant "major airports in the mid-Atlantic region", right?
Nice job...