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Long Distance Relationships

Long Distance Relationships

Old Sep 1, 07, 3:27 am
  #1  
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Long Distance Relationships

Hey everyone - as our topics on FT are usually about miles and travel, I thought I'd post a shout out to those of us that may be in long distance relationships. Seeing that many of us travel a lot (and sometimes too much), what a better crowd than this to bounce some thoughts at.

I guess no matter at what stage of your relationship (casual, committed, engaged, married 50+ years, or otherwise), we all go thru the stresses of not being able to see each other like 'normal' couples (whatever that means anyway). As a sales manager, I commute up and down the west coast, and my GF lives in the Florida panhandle. Talk about a North American triangle. Thanks to mobile-2-mobile calling, we talk everyday, but only get hang out a couple weekends a month. We have our moments on both ends of the spectrum, and of course, look to the day when we can walk up to each other whenever we want (mid-'08).

Now, (not intending to turn this thread into more than it should), how does everyone handle the absence, timezones, and success stores (or lessons hard-learned)? From one FTer to another, I'm reaching out for some advice!

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Old Sep 1, 07, 4:13 pm
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When I met mr. horse glasses, I was in PA and he was in CA! We never went more than a certain time without seeing each other, had set calling times and a plan to be together permanently. We did this for 8 months and then I moved out here and we are getting married in 2 weeks! It sounds like you are doing everything you can so it's just a matter of waiting it out, unfortunately. Good luck and don't listen to jerks who say "they never work". Some people can do it and some can't.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 4:49 pm
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If it's meant to work out, it will. I met the current Mrs. clarence5ybr when I lived in NM and she lived in NYC. I moved to RNO, and she moved here shortly thereafter.

Certainly there can be some difficult times along the way, but if what you need is in that relationship, one of you will eventually be ready to move; both of you moving to a neutral territory can also be a good solution. We still have my wife's apartment in NYC, and we go back for frequent visits, but we're both happy to have a short-distance relationship.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 5:47 pm
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That you see each other a couple of times a month is pretty good going. I'd be lucky to see my partner 4/5 times a year.

Email was incredibly important. The time zones (me in London, him in Tokyo) made calling him difficult, I was either at work or he'd be asleep - I couldn't just call whenever it suited me as he didn't live alone.

You guys can comment on the same TV programs, discuss News stories, there are a lot of upsides to living in the same country.

To be honest, the long distance thing sucked and it was more of an endurance test than anything else which went on for more than 4 years and drained us of our finances.

We got married last year and I've spent the past 6 months in bed due to back problems and surgery. But even this is much less stressful and frustrating than maintaining the long distance relationship was.

If you can keep it up and get though it, the upside is that you should be more certain than most that you really are meant to be together.

Best of luck!
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Old Sep 1, 07, 6:22 pm
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Originally Posted by Insiderdude View Post
Now, (not intending to turn this thread into more than it should), how does everyone handle the absence, timezones, and success stores (or lessons hard-learned)? From one FTer to another, I'm reaching out for some advice!
I married him. We lived across state and we'd commute every-other-weekend. It became my going there twice a month, he'd come here once a month. After he decided to leave his career behind, he moved to my end of the state.

He now commutes 2000 miles away 1-2 weeks per month and has an apartment out in Utah. After a (two second) discussion, we both agreed we would rather not move there.

<sigh>
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Old Sep 1, 07, 7:04 pm
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I met Mr. Kipper when he was in MD and I was in PA. Shortly after meeting, he was sent to Yorktown, VA, thanks to the Marine Corps. We agreed that he'd come visit every other weekend, and since, at the time, I was unemployed, I'd start looking for a job down there.

Since then, we've lived together, spent 4 months where I was in VA and he was in PA, and I was driving to visit most weekends, spent roughly a year-and-a-half where we were across PA, or at least halfway across PA from each other, and are now living together. When we were apart, one of us would typically travel to see the other one, if not every weekend, every other weekend. We learned to make the time we did have together count, and if I would drive to visit him, I'd often wait to head back until Monday morning.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 8:02 pm
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Great topic! I've done it twice, once sort of casually and once seriously. In the second, which lasted about six months, the key was free night and weekend minutes. We'd talk for at least an hour a night. He was in Illinois and I was in D.C., so not much of a time difference. We didn't have much spare cash or vacation time, so our visits were not frequent -- a weekend every month or so. (This was before I knew about FT, of course, or I'm sure I would have been flying out to see him a lot more often!) Things ended for a variety of reasons, but a big one was that I realized he was never going to leave his small town, and I certainly wasn't about to move there.

I think you need to have some sort of long-term plan if things get serious; someone eventually needs to move, there's just no way around it (no matter how attractive the prospect of racking up millions of miles for your visits). And you have to remember that the distance tends to postpone the ordinary, everyday problems of being in each other's presence that would normally be tackled much earlier on in a face-to-face relationship. It may be easy to reach emotional intimacy when all you can really do is talk, but you're not learning how to live with each other.

Just my two cents -- I realize everybody's situation is different depending on age, temperment, where they are in life, etc.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 8:22 pm
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It's feasible, but there has to be a lot of flexibility and forbearance on both
sides. I had one relationship where we were separated by over 3000 miles,
and it worked okay for a while ... until the young lady took a visiting scholar
position that was 4500 miles away, and I guess I wasn't quick enough to
hop to (especially as I'd have had to learn Portuguese), and next I heard
she'd married a samba dancer or something. The current one is a 400-mile
commute and definitely worth it; it's lasted half a dozen years or more and
threatens to become a short commute if any.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 8:51 pm
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Top this one.

I live in Norway and my girlfriend lives in Australia. I haven`t seen her since April and I`m off seeing her on Sept.24th. It has been tough but, as long as the love is strong all will go well. Even though we are on opposite sides of the world, internet, sms and phone calls have been very comforting..... honestly...sometimes naughty but she started it!

Anyways...she is busy with her work and me with mine. And who gets all the miles from SVG-LHR-SFO-SYD-MEL and back.......meeeeee
But family and kids are more important than travel and miles....that`s what I`m realizing now.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 9:00 pm
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Its been the way of life in my world for the duration of our relationship. My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 5. Our current situation has her in Las Vegas and me in Macau. On the bright side I'll only be here for two or three years!!

There is no doubt it is a lot of hard work but we are proof it can be done.

Last edited by RoboBR; Sep 1, 07 at 9:06 pm
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Old Sep 1, 07, 9:04 pm
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I think my GF and I have the record. I live in Atlanta and she in Thailand. This will go on for another 2 years before she moves back. Fortunately my work is flexible enough that I can work remotely a lot, so we've agreed that I will go over there at least 4 months/year and she'll try to come back for 1-2 months. Lots of flying, but of course, lots of miles!

We get by with a combination of email, Yahoo IM, and VOIP (thank God for this!) How people survived long distance relationships before the Internet I have no idea!!

--Matt in Indy

Last edited by mrichmond; Sep 5, 07 at 10:49 am
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Old Sep 1, 07, 9:07 pm
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Originally Posted by erdehoff View Post
... And you have to remember that the distance tends to postpone the ordinary, everyday problems of being in each other's presence that would normally be tackled much earlier on in a face-to-face relationship. It may be easy to reach emotional intimacy when all you can really do is talk, but you're not learning how to live with each other...
Read this carefully, and think about how it relates to your situation. Think about the issues and problems you are not addressing now (but should be) because of the distance.
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Old Sep 1, 07, 10:19 pm
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Dated long-distance for about a year. I was in PHL while she was in DC. Luckily, neither of our jobs made us travel much so we spent every weekend together - 2x in DC, 2x in PHL. She loved exploring PHL (i had been a resident of 25 years) and I enjoyed my time in Washington. Over the summer, my department downsized and I was out of a job - quickly finding a consulting job down in Washington. So now we live 2 miles a part, but I'm on the road 3-4 days a week!!!

It's been great being closer to her, but now with all of my travel I find myself on the road when I wish I was back in Washington. Luckily, I am getting enough miles so we can spend a month traveling together! ^
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Old Sep 2, 07, 1:59 am
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I work for an airline here at SMF and my girl is in Jersey close to EWR in the summer, and when she's at school, she's in the middle of nowhere IPT! I have to take a Delta flight SMF-ATL-PHL overnight to make it PHL-IPT on US Airways to even get there at a decent time! I fly out and see her about once a month, sometimes more if I'm not too busy. She rarely comes out here because of school, but I give her some of my passes and we fly somewhere and meet up for a weekend every once in a great while. It's hard, but I think it's worth it!
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Old Sep 2, 07, 3:23 am
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Hey everyone, thanks for your stories- it's encouraging to know that we're not alone. We've been at this for a year now, and until we can be together in another, it will be the same cycle: See each other for a long weekend, then spend the next few weeks living separate lives... and when we get back together, a good portion of our time is dedicated to just 'catching up'. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

I agree, if it wasn't for mobile-2-mobile calling this may not have worked. I guess things like cell phones, emails, and even FT have made our relationships possible today which would otherwise be unimaginable a mere 20 years ago.

Wow, for those here that have significant others half a world away, I applaud your persistence and dedication. Of course, for those of us that are a mere 'domestic' flight apart it can still be really hard; through this I am often reminded of the things that are truly important in life.

<sigh>
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