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Loony Avoidance Tips

Loony Avoidance Tips

Old Dec 21, 99, 8:04 am
  #1  
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Loony Avoidance Tips

I found this amusing. Hopy you like it too.

6 ways to avoid conversation with the
loony seated next to you on a flight

It has happened to us all. You take your seat, fasten the seat belt in
preparation for takeoff, and then a loony sits in the seat next to you. Of
course you don't immediately know he's a loony, although you notice
something strange about the way he looks at you. "Hello", he says
politely. You say "Hello" back to him, and then it starts. For the entire
journey you get his life story (it is the most boring story you have ever
heard), his views on politics (he is to the right of Attila the Hun, and
still believes that "Sir Johannes Bjelke-Peterson is the only man
capable of leading this great nation of ours to glory"), his views on
religion (he makes the Spanish Inquisition look like a Sunday school
picnic), and a host of conspiracy theories each of which adds further
weight to a theory you are developing concerning your new friends
sanity. So, what do you do to avoid this awkward situation ?

Travel Tips:

1.It begins when you are checking in. Don't, (repeat) don't make
eye contact with anyone. If you do, it could be with a loony
who will inevitably end up sitting next to you. He will recognise
you immediately and think this gives him the right to talk to
you : "Didn't I see you in the check-in queue? I did! Gee, I
really like you suitcase. Isn't black a good color for
suitcases?.."

2.Once on board, bury your head in the newspaper you
purchased before boarding. Make sure you buy one of the
longer newspapers, such as The Age, which is about two and a
half metres long. Although long papers are difficult to read,
particularly in the confined space of an aircraft seat, you will
not have purchased it as reading material, but as a shield
behind which you can hide from the loon. If he asks whether he
can help you with the crossword, don't say a word, just snarl
viciously at him and return to your hiding place.

3.Play him at his own game. With a little rehearsal, you can be
just as loony as the next guy.

4.If you can tell he's a loony just by looking at him, pretend you
are a deaf mute. When he says "Hello", make a few signs with
your fingers, and pray that he is not fluent at sign language.

5.If you are already engrossed in conversation before realising
he is a loon, explain that you are suffering from food poisoning
and go to the toilet. This opens up two possibilities:- firstly
you will have the opportunity to avoid his ravings by making
frequent trips to the toilet; secondly, if he becomes totally
unbearable you may choose to spend the rest of the flight
there. If you choose the second alternative, be sure to take a
good book.

6.Pretend you are asleep - this has a extra benefit in that you can
also avoid the annoying interruptions of flight attendants who
will offer you drinks when you are not thirsty and mediocre
food when you are not hungry.

Although, I actually usually very much enjoy talking to my seatmates. Hmmmm maybe I am the loony.

[This message has been edited by Punki (edited 12-21-1999).]
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Old Dec 21, 99, 8:33 am
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Hey Punki your not looney, your normal like the the rest of use unusual individuals.

Cheers Scott
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Old Dec 21, 99, 3:32 pm
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My best "loonier-than-thou" line I've used. "You know, your voice sounds JUST like the ones in my head! Listen" and leaned my head towards her.

She was switching seats in seconds.

Of course, had she said, "You know, you're right!" I would have been in BIG trouble!


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Old Dec 21, 99, 6:34 pm
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Uh oh, my husband was reading this pretty intently and the only person he ever sits next to on a plane is ... ME!
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Old Dec 21, 99, 10:04 pm
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Oh Jon, I was laughing so hard I almost cried. I suppose I will actually try that someday soon. Will report results.

letiole, well you and the pilot.
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Old Dec 21, 99, 11:42 pm
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You've all got good ideas. I've tried this one: I tell them I work for the IRS as a tax collector. Then I subtly ask "what do you do - where do you work"? This seems to end all conversation. My only fear is that I will one day meet the person that says -
"Oh great, I work for the IRS too !!! "

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Old Dec 22, 99, 9:00 am
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Punki: True, and knowing that, we should hope it is me - and not the pilots - he considers loony.
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Old Dec 22, 99, 9:07 am
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Best avoidance mechanism for loonies and/or talkies: Put on the headphones whether you're listening to music or not.
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Old Dec 22, 99, 10:27 am
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I always pull out a book and begin to read on most flights. If someone starts a conversation and I want to talk I put the book down. If I get a "looney" or just find that my book is far more interesting, I just basically ignore them. I'd rather seem rude, than have my time interrupted with boring chatter.
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Old Dec 22, 99, 1:45 pm
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I love loonies. I should wear a badge to that effect, and solict their attention. Even better than your basic talker are those that...(and these are all true)

order drinks for you too after the normal service is over - sadly they think everyone drinks liquers like drambuie.

offer you a nice plastic watch (conference gift)

read you your horoscope and then want to get into what it really meant for me

give you unsolicited Spanish lessons

know the pilot's brother, so you both get a cockpit visit

but the best was Greg, a guy from NZ who I met when travelling out to start a secondment, he had a spare room, and by the time we arrived, I had somewhere to live

all i'd say is rather a talker than a snorer..

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Old Dec 22, 99, 5:43 pm
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I fight looneys with looniness.

If I sense someone is going to act crazy, I start singing the "MEOW MIX" song over and over again. But I don't sing the lyrics, I sing MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW repeatedly.

That generally scares them into thinking I am crazy ordering a lot of alcohol and passing out.

It also gets much of the cabin to do the same.

(I also ahve scared away chatty co-workers who want to hang around where I work gossip. I work for a news station, not the National Enquirer!)

I have not figured out what I should do if I get an attractive Single FEMALE looney.
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Old Dec 23, 99, 9:35 pm
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Catman, treat her the same way you would an attractive cat (for the first hour or so at least). By that time she will be so enamored of you that you can just sit and purrrrrrr......
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Old Dec 24, 99, 7:52 pm
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How soon do you realize you're dealing with a loonie?

Many seatmates have surprised me. They looked loonie but were far from it.

But there is that creeping suspicion that becomes a firm conviction after, what, 2 seconds? 3 minutes? And you *know* that you'd better do something.

The real loonies want to *help* you in some way. You just have to be impolite and uncivil and they fade away ...
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Old Dec 25, 99, 6:30 pm
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I have a pretty reliable "gut feeling" on people. I think a lot of it comes from working retail in the Combat Zone in Boston where you have 15 seconds to decide whether someone is (1) browsing, (2) buying, or (3) casing the joint.

(Funny story: When I worked retail, you'd get $25 for catching a stolen credit card that appeared in the bulletin, but you'd get $100 if you initiated the discovery (ie: if you reported it stolen before the cardholder had). In two years, I caught 127 stolen cards. When I got promoted to a higher volume store in a safer neighborhood, I lost about $6K in stolen credit card rewards per year).

While it sounds horribly judgmental, after listening to someone construct one or two paragraphs, I've usually got them pegged.


------------------
"I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own."

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Old Dec 28, 99, 12:26 am
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Better not meet me! I tend to mimic people!! So if you meet me and think that I am a loony, better take a good look in the mirror

I tend to get along with a vary wide range of people, personalities, and cultures because I can easily relate to a person's personality and conversation. I don't try too, it just comes naturally.

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