Loony Avoidance Tips
Dec 21, 1999, 8:04 am
#1
Suspended
Original Poster
Join Date: May 1998
Location: Seattle
Programs: Ephesians 4:31-32
Posts: 10,690
Loony Avoidance Tips
I found this amusing. Hopy you like it too.
6 ways to avoid conversation with the
loony seated next to you on a flight
It has happened to us all. You take your seat, fasten the seat belt in
preparation for takeoff, and then a loony sits in the seat next to you. Of
course you don't immediately know he's a loony, although you notice
something strange about the way he looks at you. "Hello", he says
politely. You say "Hello" back to him, and then it starts. For the entire
journey you get his life story (it is the most boring story you have ever
heard), his views on politics (he is to the right of Attila the Hun, and
still believes that "Sir Johannes Bjelke-Peterson is the only man
capable of leading this great nation of ours to glory"), his views on
religion (he makes the Spanish Inquisition look like a Sunday school
picnic), and a host of conspiracy theories each of which adds further
weight to a theory you are developing concerning your new friends
sanity. So, what do you do to avoid this awkward situation ?
Travel Tips:
1.It begins when you are checking in. Don't, (repeat) don't make
eye contact with anyone. If you do, it could be with a loony
who will inevitably end up sitting next to you. He will recognise
you immediately and think this gives him the right to talk to
you : "Didn't I see you in the check-in queue? I did! Gee, I
really like you suitcase. Isn't black a good color for
suitcases?….."
2.Once on board, bury your head in the newspaper you
purchased before boarding. Make sure you buy one of the
longer newspapers, such as The Age, which is about two and a
half metres long. Although long papers are difficult to read,
particularly in the confined space of an aircraft seat, you will
not have purchased it as reading material, but as a shield
behind which you can hide from the loon. If he asks whether he
can help you with the crossword, don't say a word, just snarl
viciously at him and return to your hiding place.
3.Play him at his own game. With a little rehearsal, you can be
just as loony as the next guy.
4.If you can tell he's a loony just by looking at him, pretend you
are a deaf mute. When he says "Hello", make a few signs with
your fingers, and pray that he is not fluent at sign language.
5.If you are already engrossed in conversation before realising
he is a loon, explain that you are suffering from food poisoning
and go to the toilet. This opens up two possibilities:- firstly
you will have the opportunity to avoid his ravings by making
frequent trips to the toilet; secondly, if he becomes totally
unbearable you may choose to spend the rest of the flight
there. If you choose the second alternative, be sure to take a
good book.
6.Pretend you are asleep - this has a extra benefit in that you can
also avoid the annoying interruptions of flight attendants who
will offer you drinks when you are not thirsty and mediocre
food when you are not hungry.
Although, I actually usually very much enjoy talking to my seatmates. Hmmmm maybe I am the loony.
[This message has been edited by Punki (edited 12-21-1999).]
6 ways to avoid conversation with the
loony seated next to you on a flight
It has happened to us all. You take your seat, fasten the seat belt in
preparation for takeoff, and then a loony sits in the seat next to you. Of
course you don't immediately know he's a loony, although you notice
something strange about the way he looks at you. "Hello", he says
politely. You say "Hello" back to him, and then it starts. For the entire
journey you get his life story (it is the most boring story you have ever
heard), his views on politics (he is to the right of Attila the Hun, and
still believes that "Sir Johannes Bjelke-Peterson is the only man
capable of leading this great nation of ours to glory"), his views on
religion (he makes the Spanish Inquisition look like a Sunday school
picnic), and a host of conspiracy theories each of which adds further
weight to a theory you are developing concerning your new friends
sanity. So, what do you do to avoid this awkward situation ?
Travel Tips:
1.It begins when you are checking in. Don't, (repeat) don't make
eye contact with anyone. If you do, it could be with a loony
who will inevitably end up sitting next to you. He will recognise
you immediately and think this gives him the right to talk to
you : "Didn't I see you in the check-in queue? I did! Gee, I
really like you suitcase. Isn't black a good color for
suitcases?….."
2.Once on board, bury your head in the newspaper you
purchased before boarding. Make sure you buy one of the
longer newspapers, such as The Age, which is about two and a
half metres long. Although long papers are difficult to read,
particularly in the confined space of an aircraft seat, you will
not have purchased it as reading material, but as a shield
behind which you can hide from the loon. If he asks whether he
can help you with the crossword, don't say a word, just snarl
viciously at him and return to your hiding place.
3.Play him at his own game. With a little rehearsal, you can be
just as loony as the next guy.
4.If you can tell he's a loony just by looking at him, pretend you
are a deaf mute. When he says "Hello", make a few signs with
your fingers, and pray that he is not fluent at sign language.
5.If you are already engrossed in conversation before realising
he is a loon, explain that you are suffering from food poisoning
and go to the toilet. This opens up two possibilities:- firstly
you will have the opportunity to avoid his ravings by making
frequent trips to the toilet; secondly, if he becomes totally
unbearable you may choose to spend the rest of the flight
there. If you choose the second alternative, be sure to take a
good book.
6.Pretend you are asleep - this has a extra benefit in that you can
also avoid the annoying interruptions of flight attendants who
will offer you drinks when you are not thirsty and mediocre
food when you are not hungry.
Although, I actually usually very much enjoy talking to my seatmates. Hmmmm maybe I am the loony.
[This message has been edited by Punki (edited 12-21-1999).]
Dec 21, 1999, 3:32 pm
#3
Join Date: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,709
My best "loonier-than-thou" line I've used. "You know, your voice sounds JUST like the ones in my head! Listen" and leaned my head towards her.
She was switching seats in seconds.
Of course, had she said, "You know, you're right!" I would have been in BIG trouble!
------------------
"I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own."
She was switching seats in seconds.
Of course, had she said, "You know, you're right!" I would have been in BIG trouble!
------------------
"I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own."
Dec 21, 1999, 6:34 pm
#4
Senior Moderator; Moderator, Eco-Conscious Travel, United and Flyertalk Cares
Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Fulltime travel/mostly Europe
Programs: UA 1.7 MM;; Accor & Marriott Pt; Hyatt Globalist
Posts: 17,831
Uh oh, my husband was reading this pretty intently and the only person he ever sits next to on a plane is ... ME!
Dec 21, 1999, 11:42 pm
#6
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: Paradise Lost
Posts: 286
You've all got good ideas. I've tried this one: I tell them I work for the IRS as a tax collector. Then I subtly ask "what do you do - where do you work"? This seems to end all conversation. My only fear is that I will one day meet the person that says -
"Oh great, I work for the IRS too !!! "
------------------
misstree
"Oh great, I work for the IRS too !!! "
------------------
misstree
Dec 22, 1999, 9:00 am
#7
Senior Moderator; Moderator, Eco-Conscious Travel, United and Flyertalk Cares
Join Date: Jun 1999
Location: Fulltime travel/mostly Europe
Programs: UA 1.7 MM;; Accor & Marriott Pt; Hyatt Globalist
Posts: 17,831
Punki: True, and knowing that, we should hope it is me - and not the pilots - he considers loony.
Dec 22, 1999, 10:27 am
#9
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Central New Jersey
Programs: UA-Platimum 2 MM, HH-Gold, MR-Lifetime Gold, Hyatt-Discoverist
Posts: 6,238
I always pull out a book and begin to read on most flights. If someone starts a conversation and I want to talk I put the book down. If I get a "looney" or just find that my book is far more interesting, I just basically ignore them. I'd rather seem rude, than have my time interrupted with boring chatter.
Dec 22, 1999, 1:45 pm
#10
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: UK
Programs: reformed ex basic Member
Posts: 3,148
I love loonies. I should wear a badge to that effect, and solict their attention. Even better than your basic talker are those that...(and these are all true)
order drinks for you too after the normal service is over - sadly they think everyone drinks liquers like drambuie.
offer you a nice plastic watch (conference gift)
read you your horoscope and then want to get into what it really meant for me
give you unsolicited Spanish lessons
know the pilot's brother, so you both get a cockpit visit
but the best was Greg, a guy from NZ who I met when travelling out to start a secondment, he had a spare room, and by the time we arrived, I had somewhere to live
all i'd say is rather a talker than a snorer..
order drinks for you too after the normal service is over - sadly they think everyone drinks liquers like drambuie.
offer you a nice plastic watch (conference gift)
read you your horoscope and then want to get into what it really meant for me
give you unsolicited Spanish lessons
know the pilot's brother, so you both get a cockpit visit
but the best was Greg, a guy from NZ who I met when travelling out to start a secondment, he had a spare room, and by the time we arrived, I had somewhere to live
all i'd say is rather a talker than a snorer..
Dec 22, 1999, 5:43 pm
#11
Commander Catcop
Join Date: May 1998
Posts: 10,259
I fight looneys with looniness.
If I sense someone is going to act crazy, I start singing the "MEOW MIX" song over and over again. But I don't sing the lyrics, I sing MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW repeatedly.
That generally scares them into thinking I am crazy ordering a lot of alcohol and passing out.
It also gets much of the cabin to do the same.
(I also ahve scared away chatty co-workers who want to hang around where I work gossip. I work for a news station, not the National Enquirer!)
I have not figured out what I should do if I get an attractive Single FEMALE looney.
If I sense someone is going to act crazy, I start singing the "MEOW MIX" song over and over again. But I don't sing the lyrics, I sing MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW repeatedly.
That generally scares them into thinking I am crazy ordering a lot of alcohol and passing out.
It also gets much of the cabin to do the same.
(I also ahve scared away chatty co-workers who want to hang around where I work gossip. I work for a news station, not the National Enquirer!)
I have not figured out what I should do if I get an attractive Single FEMALE looney.
Dec 23, 1999, 9:35 pm
#12
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Original Poster
Join Date: May 1998
Location: Seattle
Programs: Ephesians 4:31-32
Posts: 10,690
Catman, treat her the same way you would an attractive cat (for the first hour or so at least). By that time she will be so enamored of you that you can just sit and purrrrrrr......
Dec 24, 1999, 7:52 pm
#13
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: source of weird and eccentric ideas
Posts: 38,686
How soon do you realize you're dealing with a loonie?
Many seatmates have surprised me. They looked loonie but were far from it.
But there is that creeping suspicion that becomes a firm conviction after, what, 2 seconds? 3 minutes? And you *know* that you'd better do something.
The real loonies want to *help* you in some way. You just have to be impolite and uncivil and they fade away ...
Many seatmates have surprised me. They looked loonie but were far from it.
But there is that creeping suspicion that becomes a firm conviction after, what, 2 seconds? 3 minutes? And you *know* that you'd better do something.
The real loonies want to *help* you in some way. You just have to be impolite and uncivil and they fade away ...
Dec 25, 1999, 6:30 pm
#14
Join Date: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,709
I have a pretty reliable "gut feeling" on people. I think a lot of it comes from working retail in the Combat Zone in Boston where you have 15 seconds to decide whether someone is (1) browsing, (2) buying, or (3) casing the joint.
(Funny story: When I worked retail, you'd get $25 for catching a stolen credit card that appeared in the bulletin, but you'd get $100 if you initiated the discovery (ie: if you reported it stolen before the cardholder had). In two years, I caught 127 stolen cards. When I got promoted to a higher volume store in a safer neighborhood, I lost about $6K in stolen credit card rewards per year).
While it sounds horribly judgmental, after listening to someone construct one or two paragraphs, I've usually got them pegged.
------------------
"I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own."
(Funny story: When I worked retail, you'd get $25 for catching a stolen credit card that appeared in the bulletin, but you'd get $100 if you initiated the discovery (ie: if you reported it stolen before the cardholder had). In two years, I caught 127 stolen cards. When I got promoted to a higher volume store in a safer neighborhood, I lost about $6K in stolen credit card rewards per year).
While it sounds horribly judgmental, after listening to someone construct one or two paragraphs, I've usually got them pegged.
------------------
"I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own."
Dec 28, 1999, 12:26 am
#15
Original Member
Join Date: May 1998
Location: Chicago, IL (2 miles from ORD)
Posts: 660
Better not meet me! I tend to mimic people!! So if you meet me and think that I am a loony, better take a good look in the mirror
I tend to get along with a vary wide range of people, personalities, and cultures because I can easily relate to a person's personality and conversation. I don't try too, it just comes naturally.
I tend to get along with a vary wide range of people, personalities, and cultures because I can easily relate to a person's personality and conversation. I don't try too, it just comes naturally.