I'm Moving In!!!
 

Well, if this Save InnPoints campaign is ever going to really get off the ground, it needs someone here 24/7. Keeping the fires burning as they say... So, I'm going to put my bed here, my bottle cap collection over here and stories to start inflating the post count right over here...

OK. Imagine your best friend and you are both 8 years old. You race each other home to your house after school to find your dad finishing the installation of a state-of-the-art garage door opener. This thing is slick… Push a button it goes up, push the button before it gets to the top and it stops, push the button again and it goes back down. Emergency release tether (which you are to short to reach), REMOTE CONTROL!!! (Our VCR still had a cable to the remote) and best of all… This is the real amazing part… if it hits something when it is going down, it senses it, and goes back up!!! Child Proof!!!

Holly smokes this is cool!!! The questions race through your head… so, you fire questions at your dad faster than you can think of them…

Q) What if it hits you? A) It goes back up
Q) What if it hits a dog? A) It goes back up
Q) What if it hits your hand? A) It goes back up
Q) What if it hits a worm? A) It will probably squish it
Q) What if you drive into it? A) Stay away from my car…

At this point, Dad has a headache, makes sure he has his car keys and family dog and goes inside leaving you with your friend and a child proof, state-of-the-art garage door. What do you do next? Well, here’s what I did…

Push the button, it goes down…cool but boring. Push the button again and it goes back up, still, cool but boring… Lets take this baby for a little test drive… Push the button and stick your foot under it… Sure enough, goes down, pushes on it pretty hard but goes back up, very little pain. Of course your friend wants to try it too, works for him. Now the confidence level is coming up. Well, finally, I lay down under it and tell my buddy to push the button. Door goes down, pushes pretty hard on my chest, some pain, but goes back up. “My Turn”, he says.

Well, as the door went down I got an idea. The door went down and pushed on his chest, and just as it started to go back up, I pushed the button. This caused the door to stop, pinning my friend under it. I danced around a little, throwing things at him and poking him in the head. Fun stuff, things fond childhood memories are made of. He told me he would get me for this, bla bla bla. So finally I decided to let him up.

I had the best intensions to let him free, but this is where things went horribly wrong. Because the door had just started to head up when I pushed the button, the next direction of travel was back down. This was unbeknownst to me, so I pushed the button. Grrrrrrrrrrr, went the little electric motor as it struggled to complete its journey downward (See, the brilliant engineers who designed this Child Proof, state-of-the-art garage door made one mistake, it wasn’t idiot proof!!!) We figured out the hard way that the door needs to travel some distance before if can sense an object and change direction. Because it was already pushing on his chest, it couldn’t tell the difference. Well, I don’t know if you have ever seen how flexible the chest bones of an 8 year old are, but I did, and let me tell you, it is scary!!! My friend is trying to yell but has no air in his lungs, I’m in a panic because I was grounded for a week when I was late for dinner (I could only imagine what the punishment for killing a neighborhood kid would be) and his chest is doing its best impression of a pancake. I tried to jump up and grab the emergency release tether (No wonder I never played basketball) to no avail. Finally, after what seemed like and eternity, the door started going ding ding ding as the chain started skipping over the drive wheel, the whole engine started rattling and banging and the door finally sensed a well squished, yet barely alive young boy under it. It was music to my ears as the door finally changed direction and released my poor friend.

Well, he was pretty sore and had the wind knocked out of him so he was in no mood to fight (Lucky for me). But what he said when he finally was finally able to speak I will never forget… “OK, Your turn…” I might have fallen off the turnip truck, but it wasn’t yesterday. I politely declined his invitation and asked him not to tell my parents. He agreed because he was to scared of what our parents would do if they found out how stupid we were. So, he went home, probably with severe internal injuries and I thought how lucky I was that he didn’t think of it first, cuz, man, that could have been me!!!

So what is the moral of the story, Save InnPoints!!! What have they ever done to you?

There is no one in the land more aptly named than you.

I'm confused. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/confused.gif

None of the InnPoints properties I've stayed in have garage doors. And I've held InnPoints Lemon Status for three years now. If this is how they treat their Lemons, I have to be honest, I'm not sure they are worth saving...

Ok, I plan to write the next segment of my life story but I thought, why not give the people a choice, so here it is, your options.

The categories are....(drum roll)

Shut up Idiot, (Not a story, if you don't want anymore stupid stories)

Stuck in the ditch

Glove on the head

Learning to ride

Talking computer

Letter to the class

(Voting stops on Wednesday, May 2nd at 5pm.)

Two more for the list.... Late brain storms

Upsidedown in the river

Boat load of branches

(I might need to extend the Voting time.....much lighter turn out than expected)

Guess everyone is over in La Quinta!!!

[This message has been edited by Village Idiot (edited 05-02-2001).]

Glove on the Head, Glove on the Head!

I'm getting visions of Howey Mandel with a surgical glove on his head, singing "Its my Party and I'll Cry if I Want Too." I second chexfan's vote. I'm eagerly awaiting what comes next after performing defribillation on friend's chest with a garage door.

I vote for "Letter to the Class"

THATS IT?!? 3 VOTES in 12 hours!!! And all of the votes from the same Chuckle Heads I pay to laugh at my jokes!!! I am really slipping.

Time to re-think my entire entertainment plan.

Actually only 2 "Chuckle Head" votes, and wait... I haven't gotten that check you promised me last month now that you mention it.

You really are an Idiot,huh? That was SanDiego1K's first post with us at InnPoints. Way to make him/her feel welcomed! http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/rolleyes.gif S/He isn't quite up to "Chuckle Head" status... yet!

[This message has been edited by chexfan (edited 05-01-2001).]

I vote for "Glove to the Head."

There, Three Chuckle Head, happy now?

As for calling Sandy1k a Chuckle Head.... I'm sorry Twinkle Toes.

Village Idiot, your charming apology is accepted. And, thanks, chexfanfor seeing that we got it. For a moment, it looked as if the boys weren't going to let flyerwife and I play in the InnPoints sandbox - just like preschool!

flyerwife... we're waiting for your vote http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

just to give the village idiot something else to stress about, I vote for

stuck in the ditch

simply because I myself happen to have a stuck in the ditch story (2 actually, now that I think about it) which are far too painful and way too embarrassing for me to ever disclose in public.

And no, my friend VI , no prodding or coaxing by you will ever get me to reveal either story. However, I have great confidence that your stuck in the ditch story will be much more entertainig than mine, so....... maybe you will just have to tell ALL of your tales of woe.

Let's all sit back and enjoy.........

... and the curtain rises to begin yet another episode of "Tales from the Idiot...".

Geo, "Tales from the Idiot" is when I do my scary stories.

This program is called "As The Idiot Turns..."

Check your Idiot Guide, the new issue is on newstands this week. Great article about falling out of a tree on page 134. Tips on which branches to aim for, how to tuck and roll. I've foud it all very use full.

Well, here I am. Staring at my greatest humiliation to date.

Sure I thought that AC was taking privileges away from Status members, spouted off about lack of attention for their customers, then, had to make a public apology because it turned out that AC was actually giving benefits, not taking them away.

Yeah I told someone to get a blank key from Mandalay Bay so they could use the pool only to find out that Mandalay Bay now has a card reader that prevents that.

and yes, I've said dumb things in some 205 other posts I've made on this board since my first post (giving myself the benefit of the doubt that at least a few posts have been meaningful).

But this, this takes the cake. Here I am, 1 hour till my voting stops and a total of 5 people have cared enough to vote. 2 of them purely out of pity and the other three because they are total "Chuckle Heads".

Whoa is me.... How does that song go? No body loves me, everybody hates me, and to make it worse, I think I just ate a worm... No, I serious, I'm eating a garden salad and I found half a worm!!! Ok, I'm joking

Well, maybe there will be a late rush to the poll.... Look at me, always the optimist huh? Forget half full, are you going to drink that?

I think I missed the voting by several hours but I'll vote on "Boat load of branches."

Village Idiot and chexfan I just wanted to let you guys know I will be a huge supporter of the next campaign.

Just let me know my role and I'll will support you two every step of the way.

A little late to the IdiotPoints party but...

I vote for "Letter To the Class."

I'll vote for Letters to the Class

Ok, 5 votes plus 3 more pity late votes will not bake the cake. It's my ball, and I'm going to play by myself for a while… And speaking of bake the cake, the stories I am selecting are to do with food. Yes, in honor of or fallen leader Randy and his bout with Food Poisoning, I am going to regale you all with…."Grow Operation in the Fridge" and "A Glass of Lemonade"

Randy, I dedicate this one to you, and your speedy recovery (sorry about the food poisoning, it must have been the "Special" sauce on the hot dog you had…) and to let you know, I've been there man and I feel your pain!!!

Well, where do I start? Well, from the beginning would take to long, and quite frankly, with 8 votes, you haven't earned the story from the beginning, so, instead I'll just piece it all together so you get the picture. So, here again, another episode of "Tales From the Idiot" … with "Grow Operation in the Fridge"

Just to give you a little background, I'll start with this. The fridge in my house was one big, cold science experiment gone wrong. It was a place where you cooled food and condiments to delay the onset of bacterial growth before accidentally using it, or placing it in the toxic waste grade garbage bin… One of the first things you learned in my house was, an expiry date is your friend, learn how to use it, or die!!! Well, unfortunately, on several occasions, the primal voice of hunger spoke louder than the little voice of reason and self-preservation. This is one of those times…

It was middle of summer and I was on a hunt for food. Seconds into the hunt, I made a wall trophy sized kill!!! To put it mildly, I scored… A big bag of unopened nacho chips, still in the grocery bag, wasn't paying attention and was grazing near the eggs in the bag with the milk. I approached stealthily from down wind as to not alert it to my presence, then, once within striking distance, I swooped in for the kill and made it merciful and quick, snapping its neck and rendering it dead. It didn't suffer much. But, I soon realized, much to my chagrin, that this wasn't the fabled cheese nacho animal that was rumored to roam these parts, it was only a bag of ordinary nacho chips. This didn't seem to present a problem at first, I had spent many years mastering the mating call of the "Salsa Bird" and knew its favorite nesting places… I figured that with my highly tuned skills, that I soon would be feasting on Salsa and Chips.

Well, and long and exhaustive search failed to turn up the elusive Salsa Bird. It seems I had spooked the other fridge creatures with the initial kill, scaring the good stuff away. It was then I started to get creative… the beginning of my undoing. I rummaged through the fridge until I spotted a half-empty jar of "Ragoo, Extra Thick and Chunky" tomato sauce. I did the math…(Chex, a little help here please). My limited math skills told me that Salsa was made from, Tomatoes, onions, peppers and other like ingredients, the exact same things as tomato sauce, so, I poured it into a bowl and sat down to watch TV. I had eaten about half the chips and 2/3 of the remaining "Salsa" when my mother walked in. She looked at me and said, "Oh, where did you find the Salsa?" To which I replied, "I couldn't, I'm using that Tomato sauce instead". My mothers face went ash white… Then, she quickly covered it with her hands and shrieked, "Oh my god, you aren't using that are you?!?"

I don't know if you understand how quickly the symptoms from eating tomato sauce 2 months past its expiry date can set in but let me tell you, I had everything in the book within 2 seconds. Sweaty hands, cold shivers, hives, ingrown toenail… you name it, I thought I had it and was about to die. I'll spare you the rest of the details, but lets just say, I was the bus driver that afternoon.

After that day, I developed a habit of removing toxic substances from the kitchen on a regular basis. I was the only thing keeping my family members from a stomach pump. One day while performing my Life saving work, I found a yogurt Expiry dated August 15th, my birthday!!! It was a moment I shared with myself, and since my birthday was only 2 months away, I placed it back into the "Safe for consumption" quarantine area of the fridge I had set aside. Well, this got me thinking. All the other yogurt had an expiry date of mid July at the most, why was this yogurt so special that it could last so long? I almost told the voices in my head that were questioning the super yogurt to shut up, but thankfully I listened and reexamined the yogurt in question. Upon closer examination, I realized that the lid and cup were bulging quite badly, almost like something was pushing with great force from the inside, trying to get out. It is then that it dawned on me, I had found this particular yogurt under the crisper where it had lived for the past 11 months of its life, and I almost set it free!!!

The earliest recollection I have of a past due expiry date was during lunch in grade 3 or 4, I started to eat my desert which was a pureed apple cup that tasted like vinegar. I told my teacher that it tasted funny and after examining it she said, "oh honey, don't eat this, it expired last month." Yeah, thanks, I was thinking of suffering through the rest of it.

So, this one is for you Randy… Enjoy

Birthday yogurt is almost as cool as birthday pudding!

I think I'm gonna get sick....

Looking back over my last post, I just realized I forgot to write the story of “A Glass of Lemonade”. Since you already know the background on the lil’shop of horrors that sits in our kitchen, I’ll spare you the long-winded setup (also because I’m at work and have a hell of a lot to do today).

It was like this. One early Saturday morning (4am early) in July I woke with an incredibly bad case of Mung Mouth (dry mouth). So, I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and stumbled downstairs to the kitchen. All the other voices in my head were asleep, including the voice of Reason / Self Preservation. I was all alone, and not totally all together there myself.

As I pulled firmly on the door to the Penicillin growth chamber, whoops I mean fridge, I saw the Promised Land. Yes, there it stood, like a lighthouse to a ship lost at sea, right there in my fridge was a big, cold jug of what appeared to be Lemonade. I was saved!!! No warning sings were initially set off because, it was the right color, it was in a clear jug that we used for juices from concentrate and it was in the part of the fridge reserved for beverages. I knew it couldn’t be more than a day old because it was full and it wasn’t there yesterday, so all of the major conditions for safe consumption seemed to have been met.

I’m a guy… And no one was watching so there was no need for a glass. I just placed the sweet nectar to my lips and went to town on it. GLUP, GLUP!, GLUP?!?, GLUP?!?!?!?!?!?!? It seem that my stomach was alerted to the problem before any other part of my body woke up because it started reacting violently!!! Unfortunately, because it had reached that far, the damage was already done. Shortly after the third huge gulp, my taste buds awoke up causing me to finish the forth gulp in a state of mixed confusion and terror. I case you haven’t gotten the picture yet, let me spell it out for you… THIS WAS NOT LEMONADE!!!! Oh yes, it had all of the visual properties of lemonade… A milky yellow color, little floaty things that resembled pulp and IT WAS IN A JUICE CONTAINER!!!! But believe me folks, Gatorade won’t ever bottle this stuff.

Well, after spending the better part of 2 hours in the bathroom, I returned to bed for a very uneasy and restless sleep. All the voices in my head were wondering…what was that stuff? Did someone put that there to play a joke on us? The voice of Reason / Self-preservation was yelling at me for not waking him up and asking him if it was ok to drink that. I’ve never forgiven him for some of the hurtful things he said to me that morning. He called me “FATTY”!!! I prefer “Chunky Monkey” personally. Consequently, me and the voice of Reason / Self-preservation now have a strained relationship and I listen to him less than I used to.

The following morning I discovered the true nature of the mystery liquid. I turns out that my mother (she is my mom, so I’ll refrain from any disparaging remarks) had boiled potatoes the night before and planned to use the water to make soup stock with. I will avoid going into graphic detail over the exact taste of Cold Potato water, but let me say this…. However bad you imagine that potato water might taste, times that by 1000. Chex, use a calculator, it is easier that way. She could only laugh at me and say, “serves you right for not using a glass”. In my defense, a glass wouldn’t have saved my from this nightmare, only limited the amount I would have consumed.

Well, there it is, the reasons I no longer eat leftovers, items without “best before” dates that include the year or anything that isn’t in its original packaging. There have been too many attempts on my life for me to fall for that again!!!

Feeling better yet Randy?

Oh my... http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

Please, kind sir, may I have another?

Ehhh.

I liked the Chunky Tomato Sauce and the elusive Salsa Bird story better. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/rolleyes.gif

::::::lurking and loving every minute of it::::::

Keep going VI..you're making my day!

No wonder Randy got sick.
Between flame wars, SINgapore, and VI's college lit course here,....
What can I say but http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/rolleyes.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/eek.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/confused.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/cool.gif http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

Dan

*blows whistle* Woah, there, Dan. You're being cited for plagerism...I believe you stole that from doc and failed to attribute it to him! Consider yourself on probation!

Ok ok ok... I know I've been delinquent in my duties. The next story from "As The Idiot Turns..." is almost done. Bare with me a til tomorrow at the latest. I'll try to have it finished by today, but no promises.

Also, I've gotten quite a few questions and emails wondering what happened to the "Vote" and the story that won "Glove on the Head". Well, the "vote" thing didn't workout very well so I've gone to plan "B". This is now a Dictatorship... You get what I want to write and you better darn well like it!!! or else...

You can just call me "Dic" for short.

[This message has been edited by Village Idiot (edited 05-11-2001).]

(Edited by Flyerwife because I want to keep this forum clean.)

Oh, looks like a race between me and Flyerwife, sorry, between Flyerwife and I. Who will become the FT Evangelist first? FW is in the lead by one...

I would never post just to run up my post total, VI http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

These stories are hilarious, there almost as funny as your April Fools Story and your water gun incident. Keep'em coming...

For those who haven't had the pleasure in reading the April Fools Story here's the link:
http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/Forum...ML/001859.html

What? 48 hours without a posting. Village Idiot, how can you claim a true movement with such lulls?

I'm distraught.

Hey Nick, relax, being an Idiot takes time. Don't rush him. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif

I read that Village Idiot is organizing a pub crawl in Vancouver on Friday night for the FT gathering. I'm wondering if he's been out sampling wares, and that has delayed our story - altho lubrication surely helps his story telling???

Saw the Idiot on chat a night or two ago & asked when the next installment was coming. He said he was still working on it. Since so many now await his tales, he wants them to be good (why start now?). http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif

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Regards,
- Anna