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... and the curtain rises to begin yet another episode of "Tales from the Idiot...".

Geo, "Tales from the Idiot" is when I do my scary stories.

This program is called "As The Idiot Turns..."

Check your Idiot Guide, the new issue is on newstands this week. Great article about falling out of a tree on page 134. Tips on which branches to aim for, how to tuck and roll. I've foud it all very use full.

Well, here I am. Staring at my greatest humiliation to date.

Sure I thought that AC was taking privileges away from Status members, spouted off about lack of attention for their customers, then, had to make a public apology because it turned out that AC was actually giving benefits, not taking them away.

Yeah I told someone to get a blank key from Mandalay Bay so they could use the pool only to find out that Mandalay Bay now has a card reader that prevents that.

and yes, I've said dumb things in some 205 other posts I've made on this board since my first post (giving myself the benefit of the doubt that at least a few posts have been meaningful).

But this, this takes the cake. Here I am, 1 hour till my voting stops and a total of 5 people have cared enough to vote. 2 of them purely out of pity and the other three because they are total "Chuckle Heads".

Whoa is me.... How does that song go? No body loves me, everybody hates me, and to make it worse, I think I just ate a worm... No, I serious, I'm eating a garden salad and I found half a worm!!! Ok, I'm joking

Well, maybe there will be a late rush to the poll.... Look at me, always the optimist huh? Forget half full, are you going to drink that?

I think I missed the voting by several hours but I'll vote on "Boat load of branches."

Village Idiot and chexfan I just wanted to let you guys know I will be a huge supporter of the next campaign.

Just let me know my role and I'll will support you two every step of the way.

A little late to the IdiotPoints party but...

I vote for "Letter To the Class."

I'll vote for Letters to the Class

Ok, 5 votes plus 3 more pity late votes will not bake the cake. It's my ball, and I'm going to play by myself for a while… And speaking of bake the cake, the stories I am selecting are to do with food. Yes, in honor of or fallen leader Randy and his bout with Food Poisoning, I am going to regale you all with…."Grow Operation in the Fridge" and "A Glass of Lemonade"

Randy, I dedicate this one to you, and your speedy recovery (sorry about the food poisoning, it must have been the "Special" sauce on the hot dog you had…) and to let you know, I've been there man and I feel your pain!!!

Well, where do I start? Well, from the beginning would take to long, and quite frankly, with 8 votes, you haven't earned the story from the beginning, so, instead I'll just piece it all together so you get the picture. So, here again, another episode of "Tales From the Idiot" … with "Grow Operation in the Fridge"

Just to give you a little background, I'll start with this. The fridge in my house was one big, cold science experiment gone wrong. It was a place where you cooled food and condiments to delay the onset of bacterial growth before accidentally using it, or placing it in the toxic waste grade garbage bin… One of the first things you learned in my house was, an expiry date is your friend, learn how to use it, or die!!! Well, unfortunately, on several occasions, the primal voice of hunger spoke louder than the little voice of reason and self-preservation. This is one of those times…

It was middle of summer and I was on a hunt for food. Seconds into the hunt, I made a wall trophy sized kill!!! To put it mildly, I scored… A big bag of unopened nacho chips, still in the grocery bag, wasn't paying attention and was grazing near the eggs in the bag with the milk. I approached stealthily from down wind as to not alert it to my presence, then, once within striking distance, I swooped in for the kill and made it merciful and quick, snapping its neck and rendering it dead. It didn't suffer much. But, I soon realized, much to my chagrin, that this wasn't the fabled cheese nacho animal that was rumored to roam these parts, it was only a bag of ordinary nacho chips. This didn't seem to present a problem at first, I had spent many years mastering the mating call of the "Salsa Bird" and knew its favorite nesting places… I figured that with my highly tuned skills, that I soon would be feasting on Salsa and Chips.

Well, and long and exhaustive search failed to turn up the elusive Salsa Bird. It seems I had spooked the other fridge creatures with the initial kill, scaring the good stuff away. It was then I started to get creative… the beginning of my undoing. I rummaged through the fridge until I spotted a half-empty jar of "Ragoo, Extra Thick and Chunky" tomato sauce. I did the math…(Chex, a little help here please). My limited math skills told me that Salsa was made from, Tomatoes, onions, peppers and other like ingredients, the exact same things as tomato sauce, so, I poured it into a bowl and sat down to watch TV. I had eaten about half the chips and 2/3 of the remaining "Salsa" when my mother walked in. She looked at me and said, "Oh, where did you find the Salsa?" To which I replied, "I couldn't, I'm using that Tomato sauce instead". My mothers face went ash white… Then, she quickly covered it with her hands and shrieked, "Oh my god, you aren't using that are you?!?"

I don't know if you understand how quickly the symptoms from eating tomato sauce 2 months past its expiry date can set in but let me tell you, I had everything in the book within 2 seconds. Sweaty hands, cold shivers, hives, ingrown toenail… you name it, I thought I had it and was about to die. I'll spare you the rest of the details, but lets just say, I was the bus driver that afternoon.

After that day, I developed a habit of removing toxic substances from the kitchen on a regular basis. I was the only thing keeping my family members from a stomach pump. One day while performing my Life saving work, I found a yogurt Expiry dated August 15th, my birthday!!! It was a moment I shared with myself, and since my birthday was only 2 months away, I placed it back into the "Safe for consumption" quarantine area of the fridge I had set aside. Well, this got me thinking. All the other yogurt had an expiry date of mid July at the most, why was this yogurt so special that it could last so long? I almost told the voices in my head that were questioning the super yogurt to shut up, but thankfully I listened and reexamined the yogurt in question. Upon closer examination, I realized that the lid and cup were bulging quite badly, almost like something was pushing with great force from the inside, trying to get out. It is then that it dawned on me, I had found this particular yogurt under the crisper where it had lived for the past 11 months of its life, and I almost set it free!!!

The earliest recollection I have of a past due expiry date was during lunch in grade 3 or 4, I started to eat my desert which was a pureed apple cup that tasted like vinegar. I told my teacher that it tasted funny and after examining it she said, "oh honey, don't eat this, it expired last month." Yeah, thanks, I was thinking of suffering through the rest of it.

So, this one is for you Randy… Enjoy

Birthday yogurt is almost as cool as birthday pudding!

I think I'm gonna get sick....

Looking back over my last post, I just realized I forgot to write the story of “A Glass of Lemonade”. Since you already know the background on the lil’shop of horrors that sits in our kitchen, I’ll spare you the long-winded setup (also because I’m at work and have a hell of a lot to do today).

It was like this. One early Saturday morning (4am early) in July I woke with an incredibly bad case of Mung Mouth (dry mouth). So, I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and stumbled downstairs to the kitchen. All the other voices in my head were asleep, including the voice of Reason / Self Preservation. I was all alone, and not totally all together there myself.

As I pulled firmly on the door to the Penicillin growth chamber, whoops I mean fridge, I saw the Promised Land. Yes, there it stood, like a lighthouse to a ship lost at sea, right there in my fridge was a big, cold jug of what appeared to be Lemonade. I was saved!!! No warning sings were initially set off because, it was the right color, it was in a clear jug that we used for juices from concentrate and it was in the part of the fridge reserved for beverages. I knew it couldn’t be more than a day old because it was full and it wasn’t there yesterday, so all of the major conditions for safe consumption seemed to have been met.

I’m a guy… And no one was watching so there was no need for a glass. I just placed the sweet nectar to my lips and went to town on it. GLUP, GLUP!, GLUP?!?, GLUP?!?!?!?!?!?!? It seem that my stomach was alerted to the problem before any other part of my body woke up because it started reacting violently!!! Unfortunately, because it had reached that far, the damage was already done. Shortly after the third huge gulp, my taste buds awoke up causing me to finish the forth gulp in a state of mixed confusion and terror. I case you haven’t gotten the picture yet, let me spell it out for you… THIS WAS NOT LEMONADE!!!! Oh yes, it had all of the visual properties of lemonade… A milky yellow color, little floaty things that resembled pulp and IT WAS IN A JUICE CONTAINER!!!! But believe me folks, Gatorade won’t ever bottle this stuff.

Well, after spending the better part of 2 hours in the bathroom, I returned to bed for a very uneasy and restless sleep. All the voices in my head were wondering…what was that stuff? Did someone put that there to play a joke on us? The voice of Reason / Self-preservation was yelling at me for not waking him up and asking him if it was ok to drink that. I’ve never forgiven him for some of the hurtful things he said to me that morning. He called me “FATTY”!!! I prefer “Chunky Monkey” personally. Consequently, me and the voice of Reason / Self-preservation now have a strained relationship and I listen to him less than I used to.

The following morning I discovered the true nature of the mystery liquid. I turns out that my mother (she is my mom, so I’ll refrain from any disparaging remarks) had boiled potatoes the night before and planned to use the water to make soup stock with. I will avoid going into graphic detail over the exact taste of Cold Potato water, but let me say this…. However bad you imagine that potato water might taste, times that by 1000. Chex, use a calculator, it is easier that way. She could only laugh at me and say, “serves you right for not using a glass”. In my defense, a glass wouldn’t have saved my from this nightmare, only limited the amount I would have consumed.

Well, there it is, the reasons I no longer eat leftovers, items without “best before” dates that include the year or anything that isn’t in its original packaging. There have been too many attempts on my life for me to fall for that again!!!

Feeling better yet Randy?

Oh my... http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/biggrin.gif

Please, kind sir, may I have another?

Ehhh.

I liked the Chunky Tomato Sauce and the elusive Salsa Bird story better. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/rolleyes.gif

::::::lurking and loving every minute of it::::::

Keep going VI..you're making my day!