FD Programme benefits for 2004 and beyond
Dec 13, 2003 | 1:36 am
#2
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Taiwan(Taichung) and UK
Programs: ANA PLAT,CI GOLD,LH SEN,Hyatt Gold.
Posts: 3,163
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by Steve Fenton:
As we have spent a considerable amount of time developing the FD programme into what is widely seen as the best way to reward all our non-paying passengers, we would now like to introduce even more benefits at the expense of our most loyal clients.
1) For all passengers who looked at the KLM website in 2003 but never flew with us, we will give you a lifetime Platinum status and 2 million free miles on your account.
2) As a PE freeloader you will enjoy the following benefits: -
a) You will always be seated in the best seating areas even if we have to downgrade or bump off our regular customers
b) We will make sure you are given priority at check in, in order to frustrate our regular customers as much as possible.
c) Make sure you bring your friends along as well, even if they too are flying another airline so we can fill our lounges to create an impression that we really are a busy airline.
d) Why not introduce a friend or even the whole of your local community to a free lifetime of benefits with KLM and we will send you to a 5 star hotel in Switzerland to retire and lead a life of luxury.
e) When travelling on one of the many free tickets we will give you, dont forget to use some of those miles we gave you, to convert them into shopping vouchers, hopefully you will have enough to do your Christmas shopping at Schipol, paid for by our truly loyal customers who dont know any better.
f) Dont worry if never have to buy a ticket with us again, as we will continue to pour free miles and extra benefits into your account in order to make sure we really piss our fare paying passengers off to the MAX.
3) Should you be daft enough to actually want to fly with us, make sure you use the secret reference code normally reserved for friends of KLM staff to get your ticket at the lowest possible price and then we can upgrade you to our wonderful world of business class travel. This exciting form of travel means you actually get to mix with idiots who have paid an enormous amount of money to travel in the knowledge they will enjoy true peace and quiet. You will be given the opportunity to tell them how little you paid to be sat next to him and even how your friends upstairs were upgraded as well.
4) When you are passing by our lounges in Schipol, dont forget that if you need to freshen up, just pop into our lounge and use one of the four showers that are usually un-available to our real customers, as we make sure they stay below the Platinum level. Make sure you shake your wet hair at them when you come out. They are easy to identify, they are wandering around looking lost, trying to find a seat and often smell due to the fact they have been packed into peasant class as we fill our business class sections with spongers like you.
5) We will continue to do our best to erode our quality of service to concentrate on how to make your life as a freeloader even better and you can rest assured once we merge with Air France everything will be a bed of roses.
6) There will be a new class introduced called Diamond class. This will be those special Elites out there who manage never to set foot on a KLM plane and can prove to us that you have made full use of all our facilities that we once reserved for our paying clients. You will need to show you have also managed to use the free miles we give for anyhting but flying and if you can complain at least once a year to help keep our customer services department rushed off their feet we will renew all the used miles you spent on non flight awards.
Have a great 2004 and please remember to tell that sucker next to you in the lounge who you.
FD needs you.
JOIN TODAY-YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE
</font>
As we have spent a considerable amount of time developing the FD programme into what is widely seen as the best way to reward all our non-paying passengers, we would now like to introduce even more benefits at the expense of our most loyal clients.
1) For all passengers who looked at the KLM website in 2003 but never flew with us, we will give you a lifetime Platinum status and 2 million free miles on your account.
2) As a PE freeloader you will enjoy the following benefits: -
a) You will always be seated in the best seating areas even if we have to downgrade or bump off our regular customers
b) We will make sure you are given priority at check in, in order to frustrate our regular customers as much as possible.
c) Make sure you bring your friends along as well, even if they too are flying another airline so we can fill our lounges to create an impression that we really are a busy airline.
d) Why not introduce a friend or even the whole of your local community to a free lifetime of benefits with KLM and we will send you to a 5 star hotel in Switzerland to retire and lead a life of luxury.
e) When travelling on one of the many free tickets we will give you, dont forget to use some of those miles we gave you, to convert them into shopping vouchers, hopefully you will have enough to do your Christmas shopping at Schipol, paid for by our truly loyal customers who dont know any better.
f) Dont worry if never have to buy a ticket with us again, as we will continue to pour free miles and extra benefits into your account in order to make sure we really piss our fare paying passengers off to the MAX.
3) Should you be daft enough to actually want to fly with us, make sure you use the secret reference code normally reserved for friends of KLM staff to get your ticket at the lowest possible price and then we can upgrade you to our wonderful world of business class travel. This exciting form of travel means you actually get to mix with idiots who have paid an enormous amount of money to travel in the knowledge they will enjoy true peace and quiet. You will be given the opportunity to tell them how little you paid to be sat next to him and even how your friends upstairs were upgraded as well.
4) When you are passing by our lounges in Schipol, dont forget that if you need to freshen up, just pop into our lounge and use one of the four showers that are usually un-available to our real customers, as we make sure they stay below the Platinum level. Make sure you shake your wet hair at them when you come out. They are easy to identify, they are wandering around looking lost, trying to find a seat and often smell due to the fact they have been packed into peasant class as we fill our business class sections with spongers like you.
5) We will continue to do our best to erode our quality of service to concentrate on how to make your life as a freeloader even better and you can rest assured once we merge with Air France everything will be a bed of roses.
6) There will be a new class introduced called Diamond class. This will be those special Elites out there who manage never to set foot on a KLM plane and can prove to us that you have made full use of all our facilities that we once reserved for our paying clients. You will need to show you have also managed to use the free miles we give for anyhting but flying and if you can complain at least once a year to help keep our customer services department rushed off their feet we will renew all the used miles you spent on non flight awards.
Have a great 2004 and please remember to tell that sucker next to you in the lounge who you.
FD needs you.
JOIN TODAY-YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE
</font>
[This message has been edited by Steve Fenton (edited Dec 15, 2003).]
Dec 13, 2003 | 4:14 am
#4
Moderator, SkyTeam and Germany
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: FRA/STR/NUE
Programs: BA, LH, KL, EY, IHG, Marriott, Hyatt, Hilton, Radisson, H Rewards
Posts: 5,965
I see quite some changes to the better for all customers, IF KLM will work on providing the right general conditions in a way that is consistent among the whole operation.
E.g. not only anouncing new lounge access priviledges but also providing enough lounge space for all.
E.g. not only anouncing new lounge access priviledges but also providing enough lounge space for all.
Dec 15, 2003 | 3:24 pm
#6
Original Poster
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Taiwan(Taichung) and UK
Programs: ANA PLAT,CI GOLD,LH SEN,Hyatt Gold.
Posts: 3,163
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by Steve Fenton:
Horse / Cart
Cart / Horse
That is the question</font>
Horse / Cart
Cart / Horse
That is the question</font>
Bet they will be singing this one at the KLM FD Xmas party