The directions that get me are the ones that go like this (and you are scribbling them down of course)

"On the left, just after the big tree, you'll see a road with a sycamore at the corner, if you go down there you'll get to Mr. Jonas' farm, you can tell it's his because you'll see the pigs wallowing in the mud right in front of the red brick farmhouse.

You don't want to take that road...."

Here are mine
 

1- Ketchup, Mustard and Relish go on a Hot Dog, in that specific order. If out of order, do not serve it to me.

2- If insistent on serving mayonnaise with a hamburger/cheeseburger, please serve it on the side.

3- Do not give me a red wine pairing with my appetizer and tell me that a full bodied chardonnay will be ok for my main course pairing.

4- Cereal in milk needs to be consumed w/in 10-15 minutes.

5- Just like a steak should never be cooked well done, a hamburger should also never be cooked well done.

6- If it’s against food code laws to cook a hamburger less than well done, I should be well informed prior to ordering.

7- In the morning, food then coffee, in that order.

8- If 7 is done correctly, the stomach will thank you dearly.

9- Mixed nuts are okay but macadamia nuts should never been in that mix.

10- For salads, ranch is not a dressing.

11- If I ask for an Italian dressing, it had better not be a vinaigrette dressing.

12- Skim Milk is glorified water.

13- 2% Milk is the minimum cut.

14- Outside of condiments, french fries should be just that, lightly salted (ABSOULTELY NO garlic)

15- Drinkable yogurt is NOT yogurt. It’s called a smoothie.

16- No whole grain breads with PB and J.

17- Stuffing out of the box is NOT stuffing, it must be home made.

18- Apple Pie is served w/vanilla ice cream, always.

19- If you are a vegan, please save your lecture until after I finish eating.

20- Too much salt is a bad thing, too much pepper? No such thing.

Drinks alone:

A fridge can cool 24 beers at once, anything above that is not acceptable.

Serving a Blue Moon or witbier without an orange slice is a SEVERE party foul.

Serving a Corona without a lime slice is UNFORGIVABLE.

Do not serve me red wine chilled or serve me white wine at room temperature.

Was given directions today by the hotel valet.. and the highways did not intersect..

Good thing by memory.. I remembered another route to get back on track..

My wife says next time get a map from concierge..:rolleyes:

And here's what I would call rule 19.1: If you're a vegan and lecture me about how awful it is to eat meat, I will eat more meat to make up for the meat that you don't eat.

Don't eat at a restaurant in a gas station.

I hold the same premise to this day as well.. The Husky greasy spoons, and restaurants connecting to gas stations I just don't get..

I've eaten at a few of them over the years.. but certainly don't make it point to dine, unless there is no alternative during a road trip..

Rule 19.1.1: If you're a vegan, lecture me about how awful it is to eat meat, and I'm eating more of it to compensate for your not eating meat, I will order a rare steak, and while cutting into it, make pitiful mooing noises. :D

Rule 19.1.2: what kipper said, and I will have my PETA* card in plain view.

* People Eating Tasty Animals

Rule 19.1.3 Eat anything I feel like including the card that looks like a Pita..:D

Tasty, healthy, and good for tummy.. mmm

I can't eat food prepared or served by anyone who has touched their face, hair, etc., or sneezed on their hand(s) and then handles food without washing their hands.

That is, if you see them do it, right?

My take is that they all do those things (and worse) at some point out of my sight at every restaurant in the world, and I take my chances.

Rule 19.1.3a Especially if it provides roughage.

Might need that on long trips with unfamiliar food.

Agree..

how do you really know if someone contaminated your food?

Easy enough. You put on your tinfoil helmet then take out your mini ultraviolet/black lamp and demand the server and all kitchen and delivery
staff submit to testing. Fail, go on to next venue and repeat. Fail enough, die of starvation.

Topic-check! :)

cblaisd
Moderator, Dining Buzz