welltravelled88

This may be an odd question, but thought I would post it here and see whether someone has some advice, or experiences to share.

I have been travelling intensively since I was 14. By age 30, I had completed 11 round-the-world tickets and I have been virtually everywhere. Like most of us, I love the feeling of flying long-haul (occasionally F, mostly C, sometimes Y), not to mention landing on the other side of the world... I also used to do mileage runs. Now I have lifetime status with FB. And among all my accounts, I have just over one million miles to use. I guess we can say I am a travel addict, like many of us here.

Problem is... Since about one year ago, my wife is banning me from any travel, except with the whole family, that is not work-related. I was hoping at least one week per year, but no, she won't allow even that.

About family, yes of course I'd like to travel with them. But the interests are not the same. We would all surely go to Club Med' for a week. But if I want to go to Peru for four days (so I can spend some of my miles, enjoy C class, see some friends in Peru and enjoy the local food), that's not the kind of thing they would want to do anyway -- besides that I would pay four times the flight for something they don't really want. Plus, kids are small and we would not take them anywhere with health risks. So, my dreamt trip to Montenegro (I have never been there after independence), my four days in Peru, my weekends in East Asia, seemingly all have to wait (until 20-30 years from now when I retire ?).

About work, my work only takes me to travel to one location at present, and it's not a nice location at all... so that's not really exciting travel.

Are any of you, or have you been, in this situation ?

And please tell me honestly (but without bashing please !), is it understandable that despite having two young kids and a lovely wife, I would want to travel alone and do my own thing, at least once a year for about one week ?

Can someone understand this addiction to travel ? My wife certainly can't, otherwise she would not stop me...

I love being with my family, travelling to the zoo half an hour away, travelling to the airport so that the kids can look at planes. But the feeling that I can no longer step on one of those planes and go wherever I want for a few days (at least once a year, I don't mean every week) is a depressive feeling. I feel like I am in a cage, and the airport is the exit to that cage...

seaskybound

You both need to take a deep breath and figure things out. Nothing wrong with getting professional conciliatory help too. A pro might sat that the travel issue is only a symptom.

Best of luck.

Italy98

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7pIcaf1g2g

welltravelled88

Thanks for trying, but you are missing the point. I am very happy with my wife and family.

Travel cannot be a symptom for things related to my wife, since my passion for travelling dates back to when I was a small kid. I have been travelling for 20 years prior to meeting my wife...

MiamiAirport Formerly NY George

Welltraveled88, yes I and most of the FTs can understand but most people don't. And when you tell people that you going to spend several hundred dollars to fly somewhere and come right back (a MR) they really give you a look. And to a certain extent they have a point. That money could go into savings, buy stuff for the home, etc.

I am going through a little not buying airline tixs for awhile because of a move to a bigger and nicer apartment in Manhattan (see my thread in travel buzz). So I can relate. Can the two of you compromise with respect to the amount of time and money you will spend on travel.

I am also starting to see that with fares at outlandishly low prices it is easy to get carried away. Before you know it you are spending too much time in the air neglecting family, friends, finances, job, your home, other interests etc.

wharvey

I can fully understand where you are coming from Welltraveled88.

However, you need to realize that you are not just a single person anymore... and you do need to consider your entire family in your decisions. Perhaps the wife views those weeks you want to travel by yourself as time she wants with you?

Now, I have to say it sounds like your wife should have known your travel love before you married... so she knew what she was getting into...

I do agree that there might be something else bothering your wife... perhaps she is concerned that you are not being faithful? Not wanting to be around? Leaving her to care for the kids? Enjoying yourself too much by yourself? Any number of things could be behind her resistance.

And, just because someone understands your addiction to travel, does not mean they might not still try to stop you... so not sure that works as an excuse.

tcl

My grandfather was never able to get rid of his travel bug after he retired from the Air Force. He would be home for less than a month before he started driving everyone crazy because he himself was stir-crazy and started to get irritable.

My dad is obviously an Air Force brat and has inherited that travel bug (and the irritability ). He was always jetting off somewhere for work. Now in his retirement, it's all about flying to golf destinations, usually last minute.

Your wife probably wants you to be more a part of your kids' daily life. Sharing the kid-chores - shopping last minute for some wierd hat for a school play, going to their sports games, schelpping them to birthday parties etc. My grandfather was never really a part of my dad's life and my dad was never really a part of mine growing up. The novelty of seeing them after a trip actually became tiresome over the years. They felt like strangers in their own houses. It was actually a relief for them and us when they left on another trip.

Having a spouse that's not around, esp when there are responsibilities such as kids is not for everyone. Sometimes, even when you think you're okay with it, you're not when you actually try it. There's a reason why the divorce rate is so high in the armed forces.

Definitely seek counseling and try to work out a compromise. I also have the travel bug but have reached an okay middle ground with my SO.

BTW, one a year by yourself is not too much to ask. Sometimes you just need your personal time. For some it's happy hour with the guys, a fishing trip or golf, but for us, it's a MR or a weekend in Paris.

sbm12

Everything is not "very happy" since you've come here with problems. @:-)

At one level you're faced with a decision of which is more important - travel or your family. At another level it seems that over time some healthy discussion could result in compromise between you and the wife.

If one side of a discussion is always dictating terms then I'd say it actually isn't a healthy relationship, but it is easy for me to do so from over here in the cheap seats where my wife thinks I'm crazy but also (sortof) understands my love of travel.

Menace to Sobriety

To the OP, how often are you gone for work travel?

I am away from home Mon through Fri 3 out of every 4 weeks. I would love to do some leasure travel, but it just is not fair to my wife when she has to shoulder the responsibility of the day to day running of our household. We have two kids as well that would like to see more of me. As much as I wish I could just jet off and burn some miles, I do realize that it would be a slap in the face to my family. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

thegeneral

Perhaps your wife and kids actually want you to be a husband and father instead of someone who travels to places he's already been because he finds his day to day life with his family boring.

She might have a point there. You've been everywhere already, so what's the point? Take up some hobbies that you can do with your friends and family.

BearX220

Very happy in that cage, eh? Something doesn't compute here, my friend. I don't know you, but I tend to think a marriage in which one person unilaterally "bans" the other from doing something he wants to do is one that wants working on. I don't think really happy, healthy people seek to use their power to control one another, especially by forcing unwanted behavior mods.

Something about your solo travel threatens your wife. You have to find out what that is and mitigate it. Perhaps she sees your yen to fly as a metaphor for a yen to flee... and you've tripped her security alarm. Perhaps she wonders what you're up to on the road between flights. In any event, when she's threatened, you're sunk. (A former business acquaintance of mine is married to a woman so paranoid and threatened by his business socializing, she "banned" him from making any workplace / professional contact with any woman she has not met, vetted and approved... which has not been good for either his psyche or his career... I wouldn't call that a healthy marriage, exactly, either.)

I think a reasonable, civil marriage allows for each participant to have solo activities now and then, from dance classes to season tickets to the ballet to hunting trips with the guys. If you wanted to take off and sit in s duck blind with two buddies for a week, would she "ban" that too? If so, you're in real trouble and counseling is in order, because otherwise your head is going to explode. If not, and she is threatened in particular by long-haul air travel, you still have plenty to talk about. Start by assuring her that you're buying round-trip tickets... and always come home.

mikeef

It honestly sounds like you need some professional counseling. A lot of us joke about spouses who look at us funny for our travel, but this situation seems to have progressed beyond that.

And yes, that dream trip may have to wait. I don't know if it will be 20 years or just a few until the kids go to sleepaway camp, but travel cutbacks are part of the package with little people.

Mike

welltravelled88

Excellent point ! Indeed, my wife met me in Peshawar (Pakistan) in December 2001, when I was trying to get to Afghanistan during the demise of the Taliban (my attempts to get there during the Taliban had failed). Yes, that should have given her a hint of what she was getting into...

welltravelled88

Well, my problem is the travel side, not the family side.

My wife and I have finally agreed that this weekend, we'll take a train around here, go about two hours away while the kids are with grandparents -- but she does not want go to anywhere further because it would be hard to come back in time if something happens. And as explained, I cannot just take off by myself...

So, my problem is really lack of travel (caused by wife, inter alia), and not the wife herself (except to the extent that she causes this travel ban).

welltravelled88

Thanks Mike. Well, it has not really progressed, since I have not really been anywhere. I did a two-day mileage run in 2007, and before then, I went to a friend's wedding (two nights absence). It won't get any worse, since I have no choice but accept the ban, for the time being...

I am not planning my dream trip to Pitcairn yet -- that will have to wait when I retire. But 4-7 days away, as some of the posters say, does sound reasonable.

About professional help, the problem is that most professionals will not see "travel" in the same way that most of us around here do. For a non-frequent-flyer, it would be crazy to go to Peru for a few days to see a friend. For someone who has travelled as much as many of you or I have, it is a lot more understandable.

Anyway, thanks for all the thoughts.