The Penalty Box
Apr 1, 2011, 7:19 pm
#91
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: So Fla & NYC
Programs: DL DM/2MM, UA MM, BV LT Titanium, HH Diamond
Posts: 23,766
Apr 1, 2011, 7:20 pm
#92
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: SAT / MAA / BOM
Programs: CO Plat; UA 1K; EK Gold
Posts: 5,110
Apr 1, 2011, 7:22 pm
#95
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CLT
Programs: UA 1K, SPG Platinum, Penalty Box 2K, PWP Posting Unit 9
Posts: 13,514
In reference to #5 which really should have had the honor of #2, I present the work poop:
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Don’t stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra thirty feet or so to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they see you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: The fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didn’t hear it. No one likes an escapee. It’s uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually the side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, don’t panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare them the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damned proud of it. The Out of the Closet Pooper can often be found entering the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always check to make sure the Out of the Closet Pooper is in the office before doing a Fly By.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This reduces the odds of someone entering the bathroom while pooping.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain seated in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you can avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a Watermelon or to scare off potential Turd Burglars.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is being used. If you hear an Astaire on a Fly By, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Update: Do not use an Astaire at MSP airport unless you want company.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This can be very embarrassing. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee or, even worse, a Jailbreak.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, the following is the survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Don’t stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra thirty feet or so to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be careful not to become a Frequent Flyer. People may become suspicious if they see you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: The fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you didn’t hear it. No one likes an escapee. It’s uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually the side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, don’t panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare them the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the Walk of Shame.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damned proud of it. The Out of the Closet Pooper can often be found entering the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always check to make sure the Out of the Closet Pooper is in the office before doing a Fly By.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This reduces the odds of someone entering the bathroom while pooping.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain seated in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you can avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a Watermelon or to scare off potential Turd Burglars.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is being used. If you hear an Astaire on a Fly By, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Update: Do not use an Astaire at MSP airport unless you want company.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This can be very embarrassing. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See Camo Cough.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee or, even worse, a Jailbreak.
A sound plan.
Apr 1, 2011, 7:22 pm
#96
FlyerTalk Evangelist
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: So Fla & NYC
Programs: DL DM/2MM, UA MM, BV LT Titanium, HH Diamond
Posts: 23,766