I may be misrepresenting the level of naughtiness. Forgive me this clickbait title.


Good morning from sunny Netherlands! It's going to be a scorcher today and already muggy at quarter to eight.


Some industrial action on Dutch Railways today, luckily it doesn't affect my journey.

The plan this week is to fly with my brother from Newcastle to Madeira. First we have to get to Newcastle and British Airways have already emailed me to expect disruption due to storms over England.


Off to departures 3 in Schiphol.

Check-in was quick. Security was a nightmare. Only two staff working the secondary checks, trays were backed up by at least a dozen. One guy had a thermos with coffee, then another who had a full can of coke in his bag. Then a family with items of interest spread over several bags. Finally it was my turn. I carry a medical device so almost always get stopped, but this time the young lady look one look at the scan and waved me on without having to open any bags.


Non-Schengen area.


Not this lounge...


Looks interesting for a future visit if I fly without status.





After a brief walk I am at lounge 40, for Oneworld passengers. I am absolutely boiling and would love a shower but I don't believe that's on offer here.


Pancakes, omelettes and bacon.


Continental breakfast.





All the important food groups.

Now can relax and watch the Skyteam planes until boarding in half an hour.

Silly me, there is a shower. Only noticed as I was leaving.

Boarding started as I arrived at the gate. A brief boarding not boarding, then we were on.


View from 1A.

Expert flyer was showing only one other in row 1. But that was 24 hours ago, and seems that BA is blocking EF from its data at T-24. Let's see...

Indeed just one other gentleman in 1D. There are seven rows of club today with some free seats dotted around. Very cheery and helpful cabin crew today, the two young men who have welcomed all those with status, brought water, and found a little pillow for my lower back. I've ordered the kosher lunch and was asked if they should remove the plastic wrap or leave it on.

Fully boarded at 10:35. One chap came up to the front to say someone else was sitting in his seat 13E but that he didn't mind sitting elsewhere!

Due to ATC restrictions at Heathrow we cannot leave early, so we are waiting for a slot to join the queue for Polderbaan.

Definitely not! Where�s the fizz?

It seemed that we pushed back 20 minutes late, and the drive to Polderbaan is another 15 minutes. But on this flight the time can easily be made up.


Little queue of planes.


Up up and away!


Farewell Holland!


Kosher meal.

Aah I didn't really enjoy the meal I'm afraid to say. A little bland. Even the dessert went back half eaten.

Service was excellent however. They were very attentive and speedy with getting the meals out. The IFL turned out to be a bit of a polyglot: his BA badge showed English, Spanish and Dutch but he greeted Mr 1D in Indonesian and turns out he could also speak Surinamese.

Before long the first officer introduced himself to let us know there would be 10 mins to landing.


Twickenham, where handball is not against the rules.


Heathrow terminal 5.


Hmm galleries south looks empty...


Not empty.

I'm sorry I haven't updated but I've been chatting with a lovely couple from SF who now live in S�o Martinho do Porto. They have been on holiday in Scotland but also seen Bruce Springsteen twice recently, once at Anfield and again at the Ajax Arena. These are my home stadiums. And I've been to SF seven weeks ago. And have been to S�o Martinho three times when I was younger since a friend's Mum retired there. So loads to talk about.

Then my brother arrived at Heathrow. I told him I was in GS and had a seat for him by the loos. "Just turn left when you get in." After 10 minutes I get a phone call, yes old fashioned telephone call, because he can't find me, because I was ignoring whatsapps, because it wasn't turn left, but turn right! Meh what's the difference, really?

Now we're on BA1334 ready to depart for Newcastle upon Tyne.

It's quite tricky doing a live TR when you are with someone you have stuff to catch up with. And now I'm writing this I feel guilty we are sitting in silence. The show must go on!


Goodbye T5!


The menu for this afternoon.


The drinks. I had a gin ginger and my brother had the sauvignon.


The Great British Afternoon Tea. It's a kind of amuse bouche followed by arguments about whether it's cream or jam first.


The vegetarian option.

No sooner had we taken off, we were landing again. We were just getting comfortable and it was all "tray tables up". I'd like to say the cabin crew were attentive but I hardly noticed.


Japes' house in the distance there.


You know you're in Newcastle when Greggs is front and centre of the airport. Chance missed because I've had several meals too many today.


Japes' champagne bar.

We hung around for a bit, picked up paper boarding passes and then went up to departures.

Newcastle security in the evening is interesting. There are like a dozen massive shiny scanners for the bags. But only enough staff for two rows of people scanning. We weren't in a hurry so it was all good.

In the Aspire and there is a young gentleman sitting at the back table with laptop and earbuds. This could only be KARFA . His TR of Funchal some years ago was a good reference when I was booking this back in November. And while we were talking he mentioned he's been back again recently. Nice to meet you!

Next flight is delayed so we are making the best of it with some Bulmers. Should be drinking Brown Ale but didn't fancy it.

In the end the delay to our last flight of the day allowed us quite a long chat with Karfa about ba97, patent law and the town of Enkhuizen in North Holland. When our flight was called we followed Karfa down to the gate area. Newcastle has a holding area after scanning your boarding pass. There are some chairs to sit while you wait for the tensa barrier to be lifted. When the chairs are filled, the remaining club/status passengers line up at the tensa. So my expectation of seeing Karfa invited to be boarded first was unfortunately unrealistic.

There was some further waiting on the jetbridge and then we were finally allowed on. We chatted until doors closed and then the captain announced another short delay due to "change of runway"... Which meant taking off westwards and I suppose the waiting was for an incoming flight needing the same taxi way.

Cabin crew were very attentive with a speedy service and extra drinks offered. There were some comedy misunderstandings about who wanted gins and who wanted wines and how many we needed. We ended up with quite a selection!


Farewell sunny Newcastle!






We had a lovely Tyne!


Goats cheese salad, with very generous quantities of the main ingredient.


Rainy London.

I had wanted to take the coach to Gatwick but my brother insisted on paying for an Uber. It was a fairly uneventful journey around the M25.

No pictures of the Hilton at Gatwick south because it was raining. We went straight to the room and fell asleep.

Next stop, Funchal!

Galleries South, I have some memories. Flying strait to destination is boring why not take some detours.

Not much to discuss about the hotel. The room was clean, quiet and served its purpose. We checked out at 6am ready for our 08:25 flight and were able to walk directly to the terminal.

Naturally at this point we received email and sms to let us know the flight would be delayed!


Breakfasts in Gatwick lounge.


Fairly busy here this morning.


Gate 34.


G-EUUX


Lots of people in group 1 today.

Luckily we checked some of our luggage because the overheads above our row were already full. I grumbled out loud but it was fine to put our hand luggage under the seats.

Boarding is almost complete. Scored a pillow for my lower back. Fourth flight in 24 hours is taking its toll. Not just my back but head is fuzzy from the abuse my liver is taking

Ducks in a row. A couple of easyjets, a vuelling, a wizz and a pair of BAs. Fairly busy at this time of the morning.


Eventually it was our turn.



The issue with an eight thirty flight that turns into a ten o'clock flight is that nobody wants the original full breakfast any more. The charcuterie plates were taken by the golds and poor Mr 2C next to me was forced to eat powdered scrambled egg for the second time today. Ah, I'm just projecting, sure he enjoyed it.

​​​​​​My brother and I had preordered of course so no such troubles for us.


Vegetarian. He didn't like it. Nasty skin on fake sausage. Asparagus doesn't lend itself well to reheating.


Kosher meal. This was very tasty, but I asked for all the packaging to be removed so not quite sure what was in it. Mushrooms, salmon, potato thing. Mmm.

Cabin crew are lovely, really good, proactive. My brother says 8/10 but that's maybe because they brought him a red wine when he asked for the sauvignon.

The champagne did run out quite early but ten minutes ago they suddenly discovered another bottle

The runway on stilts.

We landed around half past one. As we made the final 180 degree turn the turbulence was quite choppy and I wondered out loud if the pilot would have to go again, but in the final drop the wind calmed and the landing was smooth.


A brief stroll into the terminal building.


What is this animal?




My EU passport allows me to relax by the pool 30 minutes earlier than the other passengers. Oh wait

Bags arrived quickly and we made our way outside to the Aerobus. It's �6.40 and stops in town and then drives down around all the hotels. Does take 45 minutes however.


Above Funchal.


Porto Mare.


Twins and doubles are the same, the porter shoved one bed to the side and shrugged.


Little paddling pool for my little brother.


We had a swim and now needed refreshments. Have spotted signs that there is happy hour in the Ocean bar, so we're off to investigate.

Each day has a different selection of cocktails.

Daiquiri and Collins but the vermouth surely makes it a martini?

During the afternoon we tried all the different pools. The best one is the underground one, that has an indoor to outdoor part. It seems to be the only one that is heated.

Soon enough it was time for dinner. We chose Restaurant Horta that is associated with the PortoBay group but is just on the outside of the complex, facing away to the sea. It has a Michelin mention but it is accessible and reasonably priced.

We asked the waiter for his recommendations and our faith was repayed.


A Portuguese green wine, a brief hit of acidity, then smooth and pleasant.


Starters to share, falafel with cashew tzatsiki on the left; little gem salad with cranberry and roasted chickpea on the right.


Turbot with amazing yazu cream sauce. It was delicious.


Green lentil curry with coconut and courgette.


Digestif.

Early night, I'm shattered!

Note to self, avoid the little sausages tomorrow.


My brother is going continental.


Fizz, for those who are so inclined.

We took the bus 02 from outside the hotel to the marina.


Marina, Pra�a do Povo.

This morning we are going to see some dolphins!