A pretentious travel snob's nightmare: Disaster in LH F
Nov 6, 2015, 7:00 pm
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: SFO/SJC
Programs: UA 1K & 2MM, Bonvoy Titanium & LTP, HH Gold, Accor Silver, Hertz PC, Avis PC
Posts: 2,350
A pretentious travel snob's nightmare: Disaster in LH F
This is a true story... of a dream I had last night. Or more accurately a nightmare.
It's pretty embarrassing to admit to, and Mrs Cricketer was not remotely impressed when I explained it to her this morning. However, misery loves company, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that there's company to be found out here on FlyerTalk. Waking up with a headache and general feeling of being disturbed as a result of a dream about a troubling travel experience speaks to a whole host of issues, and perhaps one of you can provide a clear interpretation or diagnosis. So, on with the story, after which I anticipate at least one comment pointing out what an entitled arrogant jerk I am!
To the airport
I was heading to SFO, as best I could tell by some advanced means of teleportation which involved a really slow-moving tornado (thankfully not shark-infested). My destination, because of course the journey is the destination, was a ride on a Lufthansa 747-8 in First Class. I actually have no idea where this mythical flight was headed, or why, if I could teleport, I only went as far as SFO, but that's the power of dreamland for you!
The Lounge
The first inkling that things were not going to go well came when I found myself in the First Class Lounge. Said lounge consisted of 4 cushioned armchairs with curved backs, very similar to those you would see in an older Silver Kris lounge. These 4 chairs were symmetrically arranged around a small white coffee table, and the overall impression was that someone had quickly put walls around a table at the coffee shop. There were just three people in the lounge. One of them bore a striking resemblance to the manager in the Office Space movie, complete with braces (suspenders). The other turned out to be Brother-of-Cricketer (a bit like Son-of-Sam, that one). Needless to say, I was quite surprised to see Brother-of-Cricketer there, but it transpired that he had bought a business class ticket and upgraded into first, so he had a right to be there I suppose.
Unfortunately, before I could explore the food and drink offerings in the lounge, we were at the boarding gate. There's no lounge at which I don't at least explore the food and drink offerings, so this was actually rather concerning as well. A reflection of the flight yet to come? Read on.
Boarding
At the gate, I was walking towards the boarding lines. There was essentially one really long line snaking out from the door adjacent to the desk. I peered down this line, and noticed what looked like a green placard and a blue placard visible. Obviously this was the line for economy and business, and sure enough, I noticed a small red flag to the side at the front which presumably represented first class.
Mr Office Space was just behind me, and was repeatedly asking people in the long line "Do you know where I'm supposed to go for first class?" Naturally this made me cringe. It was obviously his first time in First, and like all good pretentious snobs, I was acutely aware that one should always endeavour to ensure that everybody else thinks you're an old hand at this game. To show uncertainty or, worse, ineptitude, is to show weakness. And once you're found out to be an imposter, there's no way you can truly be respected in your first class seat. I put him out of his misery by letting him know to just follow me - thereby cementing myself in his eyes as a seasoned pro who was truly worthy of traveling in the exalted atmosphere that exists in the front of the plane (which it of course does in the case of Lufthansa with their first class humidifiers!)
I boarded the flight, and things continued to get worse. Acting, of course, as if I knew where I was going, I walked past the flight attendant trying to show me to seat 2A and crossed to the other side, before realizing my mistake and retracing my steps while looking down at my shoes and praying that nobody noticed. Fancy not knowing exactly where your first class seat is, after all!
The not so first class experience
As I put down my bags, I realized something very strange was going on. Because everything up to this point had been perfectly routine! The seats looked different. I did a double take, and realized I was looking at an old Singapore Airlines SpaceBed, only it was dark grey rather than purple, and it had no shell whatsoever for privacy. And it only got worse when I glanced around. Row 1 and 2 appeared to be in a 1-1 layout, but looking back at row 3 and 4 of first class, I saw a 2-2-2 layout! Now we know from these boards what Flyertalkers think of such a layout in business class, imagine being confronted with that in First on Lufthansa!
Only this wasn't a nightmare for nothing. It got worse. I sat down in my solo row 2 seat, only to glance towards the window to my left and notice that a seat had mysteriously materialized between me and a window. I looked across the aisle, no doubt paler than death at this point, and saw that row 2 was indeed in a 2-2 configuration. Small mercies - at least there was no middle section this far up in the nose of the plane.
Despite being completely discombobulated at this point, I took some solace in the fact that at least there wasn't anyone sitting in this newly appeared seat 2A (again, this is a nightmare, seat numbers can change at any time!). The doors were closed at this point, and since 1A, still a solo seat, was empty, I decided to move into that. That's when I noticed that seat 1A didn't have a window, just a plain wall. And then it struck me - there were no windows anywhere in First Class. Say what?
A flight attendant was walking towards the front when I, or my dreamself avatar (who is a remarkably dashing looking fellow, I must say), twigged. Of course there were no windows, and of course the seats were different - we had been subbed into the solitary 1994 manufactured 747-400 freighter in Lufthansa's fleet (in dreamland, remember). The reason this made sense to me was that just two days previously, I had seen a comment from someone on the LH forum on Flyertalk, saying that he'd had a bizarre experience on his flight from SFO-FRA because his scheduled 747-8 had been subbed out for a cargo plane.
And sure enough, the flight attendant who was headed my way was coming over to tell me (and presumably all the passengers individually) that 3 days ago, the captain had requested that the aircraft for this flight be changed to a freighter. Because that's how Lufthansa works, I suppose.
Not much choice at this point, though I was internally seething at the waste of my miles and wondering if I could demand a refund. And then (yes, there's a lot of these moments in most nightmares) I noticed what appeared to be the entertainment system. I was in the nose bulkhead seat, remember, and it was mounted on the wall in front of me. I looked carefully, and it appeared to be a blinged out classic iPod from a dozen years ago. Decorated as if it had been designed for an Emirates first class suite, but here it was on the Lufthansa freighter. I didn't know quite what to make of this, but then Mr Office Space leaned over and tapped me on the shoulder (from his window seat in row 3, so perhaps we should call him Inspector Gadget). He laughed and said "At least it has more choices than the regular Lufthansa system!" and broke into a hearty guffaw. Maybe he wasn't as infrequent a flyer as I first thought.
I pressed the button on the front of my entertainment system, and sure enough, it did nothing. Fantastic, I thought. A shell-free spacebed, no entertainment, and no windows to look out of. At least I had the caviar and goose to look forward to (this is why it's good to always fly Lufthansa in November and December). Or so I hoped - at this point any expectations I might have had before the trip were firmly quashed.
I looked around to see what everybody else was doing, and the horrors had continued. Not only had the cabin suddenly filled up with passengers, but a business class section had appeared, fitted out with old Pan Am first class seats from around 1980. And of course, it gets worse yet. This business class section had merged into the end of First Class, a little bit like a Thai Airways 747, only with much less spatial separation, and on both sides of the aircraft (i.e. no side galley). In fact, as I write this, I realize there was no galley anywhere, which would likely have been just a touch concerning had my dreamself noticed this at the time. Could anything else go wrong?
If you said yes, you guessed right. There was now an elderly gentleman in the magical seat 2A, and it turned out the only way out of that seat was by standing up at the foot of the seat, which would put him between my head and where there should have been a window but wasn't, and then climbing around my seat. I suppose in a proper nightmare, he'd have been climbing over my head, but I don't write the scripts, I just dream them.
That felt like more than enough bad news, but as I turned to look forward again, the door right at my feet, on which my blinged out dud iPod was mounted, opened, to reveal the toilet. A toilet, facing straight into my not quite first class seat. In a mixed cabin. On a windowless freighter. With a busted iPod for company.
Thankfully, this is when I woke up. Took me a while to get back to sleep after that.
THE END
So if there's a dream analyst amongst you, have at it. Don't feel any need to spare me!
In case anyone's interested, here are my prior trip reports. They're all real:
It's pretty embarrassing to admit to, and Mrs Cricketer was not remotely impressed when I explained it to her this morning. However, misery loves company, and if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that there's company to be found out here on FlyerTalk. Waking up with a headache and general feeling of being disturbed as a result of a dream about a troubling travel experience speaks to a whole host of issues, and perhaps one of you can provide a clear interpretation or diagnosis. So, on with the story, after which I anticipate at least one comment pointing out what an entitled arrogant jerk I am!
To the airport
I was heading to SFO, as best I could tell by some advanced means of teleportation which involved a really slow-moving tornado (thankfully not shark-infested). My destination, because of course the journey is the destination, was a ride on a Lufthansa 747-8 in First Class. I actually have no idea where this mythical flight was headed, or why, if I could teleport, I only went as far as SFO, but that's the power of dreamland for you!
The Lounge
The first inkling that things were not going to go well came when I found myself in the First Class Lounge. Said lounge consisted of 4 cushioned armchairs with curved backs, very similar to those you would see in an older Silver Kris lounge. These 4 chairs were symmetrically arranged around a small white coffee table, and the overall impression was that someone had quickly put walls around a table at the coffee shop. There were just three people in the lounge. One of them bore a striking resemblance to the manager in the Office Space movie, complete with braces (suspenders). The other turned out to be Brother-of-Cricketer (a bit like Son-of-Sam, that one). Needless to say, I was quite surprised to see Brother-of-Cricketer there, but it transpired that he had bought a business class ticket and upgraded into first, so he had a right to be there I suppose.
Unfortunately, before I could explore the food and drink offerings in the lounge, we were at the boarding gate. There's no lounge at which I don't at least explore the food and drink offerings, so this was actually rather concerning as well. A reflection of the flight yet to come? Read on.
Boarding
At the gate, I was walking towards the boarding lines. There was essentially one really long line snaking out from the door adjacent to the desk. I peered down this line, and noticed what looked like a green placard and a blue placard visible. Obviously this was the line for economy and business, and sure enough, I noticed a small red flag to the side at the front which presumably represented first class.
Mr Office Space was just behind me, and was repeatedly asking people in the long line "Do you know where I'm supposed to go for first class?" Naturally this made me cringe. It was obviously his first time in First, and like all good pretentious snobs, I was acutely aware that one should always endeavour to ensure that everybody else thinks you're an old hand at this game. To show uncertainty or, worse, ineptitude, is to show weakness. And once you're found out to be an imposter, there's no way you can truly be respected in your first class seat. I put him out of his misery by letting him know to just follow me - thereby cementing myself in his eyes as a seasoned pro who was truly worthy of traveling in the exalted atmosphere that exists in the front of the plane (which it of course does in the case of Lufthansa with their first class humidifiers!)
I boarded the flight, and things continued to get worse. Acting, of course, as if I knew where I was going, I walked past the flight attendant trying to show me to seat 2A and crossed to the other side, before realizing my mistake and retracing my steps while looking down at my shoes and praying that nobody noticed. Fancy not knowing exactly where your first class seat is, after all!
The not so first class experience
As I put down my bags, I realized something very strange was going on. Because everything up to this point had been perfectly routine! The seats looked different. I did a double take, and realized I was looking at an old Singapore Airlines SpaceBed, only it was dark grey rather than purple, and it had no shell whatsoever for privacy. And it only got worse when I glanced around. Row 1 and 2 appeared to be in a 1-1 layout, but looking back at row 3 and 4 of first class, I saw a 2-2-2 layout! Now we know from these boards what Flyertalkers think of such a layout in business class, imagine being confronted with that in First on Lufthansa!
Only this wasn't a nightmare for nothing. It got worse. I sat down in my solo row 2 seat, only to glance towards the window to my left and notice that a seat had mysteriously materialized between me and a window. I looked across the aisle, no doubt paler than death at this point, and saw that row 2 was indeed in a 2-2 configuration. Small mercies - at least there was no middle section this far up in the nose of the plane.
Despite being completely discombobulated at this point, I took some solace in the fact that at least there wasn't anyone sitting in this newly appeared seat 2A (again, this is a nightmare, seat numbers can change at any time!). The doors were closed at this point, and since 1A, still a solo seat, was empty, I decided to move into that. That's when I noticed that seat 1A didn't have a window, just a plain wall. And then it struck me - there were no windows anywhere in First Class. Say what?
A flight attendant was walking towards the front when I, or my dreamself avatar (who is a remarkably dashing looking fellow, I must say), twigged. Of course there were no windows, and of course the seats were different - we had been subbed into the solitary 1994 manufactured 747-400 freighter in Lufthansa's fleet (in dreamland, remember). The reason this made sense to me was that just two days previously, I had seen a comment from someone on the LH forum on Flyertalk, saying that he'd had a bizarre experience on his flight from SFO-FRA because his scheduled 747-8 had been subbed out for a cargo plane.
And sure enough, the flight attendant who was headed my way was coming over to tell me (and presumably all the passengers individually) that 3 days ago, the captain had requested that the aircraft for this flight be changed to a freighter. Because that's how Lufthansa works, I suppose.
Not much choice at this point, though I was internally seething at the waste of my miles and wondering if I could demand a refund. And then (yes, there's a lot of these moments in most nightmares) I noticed what appeared to be the entertainment system. I was in the nose bulkhead seat, remember, and it was mounted on the wall in front of me. I looked carefully, and it appeared to be a blinged out classic iPod from a dozen years ago. Decorated as if it had been designed for an Emirates first class suite, but here it was on the Lufthansa freighter. I didn't know quite what to make of this, but then Mr Office Space leaned over and tapped me on the shoulder (from his window seat in row 3, so perhaps we should call him Inspector Gadget). He laughed and said "At least it has more choices than the regular Lufthansa system!" and broke into a hearty guffaw. Maybe he wasn't as infrequent a flyer as I first thought.
I pressed the button on the front of my entertainment system, and sure enough, it did nothing. Fantastic, I thought. A shell-free spacebed, no entertainment, and no windows to look out of. At least I had the caviar and goose to look forward to (this is why it's good to always fly Lufthansa in November and December). Or so I hoped - at this point any expectations I might have had before the trip were firmly quashed.
I looked around to see what everybody else was doing, and the horrors had continued. Not only had the cabin suddenly filled up with passengers, but a business class section had appeared, fitted out with old Pan Am first class seats from around 1980. And of course, it gets worse yet. This business class section had merged into the end of First Class, a little bit like a Thai Airways 747, only with much less spatial separation, and on both sides of the aircraft (i.e. no side galley). In fact, as I write this, I realize there was no galley anywhere, which would likely have been just a touch concerning had my dreamself noticed this at the time. Could anything else go wrong?
If you said yes, you guessed right. There was now an elderly gentleman in the magical seat 2A, and it turned out the only way out of that seat was by standing up at the foot of the seat, which would put him between my head and where there should have been a window but wasn't, and then climbing around my seat. I suppose in a proper nightmare, he'd have been climbing over my head, but I don't write the scripts, I just dream them.
That felt like more than enough bad news, but as I turned to look forward again, the door right at my feet, on which my blinged out dud iPod was mounted, opened, to reveal the toilet. A toilet, facing straight into my not quite first class seat. In a mixed cabin. On a windowless freighter. With a busted iPod for company.
Thankfully, this is when I woke up. Took me a while to get back to sleep after that.
THE END
So if there's a dream analyst amongst you, have at it. Don't feel any need to spare me!
In case anyone's interested, here are my prior trip reports. They're all real:
- Nov 2007 - Thanksgiving wedding in Sri Lanka: SFO-SEA-NRT-SIN-CMB-SIN-ICN-SFO on UA and SQ in F
- Jan 2009 - My Lucky Day: SFO-HKG-SIN-PER on UA C/F
- Feb 2011 - The unplanned non-emergency: SFO-NRT-SIN-BKK-MAA and back on UA/TG in C
- Jun 2011 - Dinner at Tetsuya's and Quay: SFO-HKG-SIN-SYD and back on UA/SQ in C (A380)
- Dec 2012 - The oft-forgotten small pleasures of short-haul flying
- Nov 2012 - The long route to Perth: SFO-ORD-FRA-NRT-BKK-SIN-PER-BKK-CDG-MUC-SFO on LH 744 and A380 F, TG 744 and 77W F, SQ 772 C and TG A380 C
- Mar 2013 - Food and Cricket in Delhi: UA C, LH new C, LX C
- Dec 2014 - Speculation pays off: SFO-JFK-ICN//GMP-HND//NRT-YVR-SFO on OZ F, NH C, AC C
Nov 7, 2015, 12:04 am
#3
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Seat 1A
Programs: Non-status paid F/J (best value for $$$)
Posts: 4,124
Sometimes I have nightmares about flying too.
However, these nightmares seem to have to do with the plane either not being able to take off or the pilot had to taxi the plane on to a freeway (with cars) and take off from there instead as the runway was out of service.
However, these nightmares seem to have to do with the plane either not being able to take off or the pilot had to taxi the plane on to a freeway (with cars) and take off from there instead as the runway was out of service.
Nov 8, 2015, 1:43 pm
#5
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,498
This is hilarious ^ and I can totally relate, both to the topic of the nightmare and the reaction of the Mrs when recounted in the morning. The usual reaction I get is a shake of the head, a look of mild bafflement combined with "how do you remember all this when you wake up?" Apparently I have ridiculously detailed dreams and an aptitude for remembering them.
Nov 8, 2015, 2:41 pm
#6
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Kuwait
Posts: 366
This freaked me out because I have the same ones sometimes.
Nov 8, 2015, 5:18 pm
#7
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Tel Aviv
Programs: United Premier, Air France Silver, AAdvantage, Matmid Gold
Posts: 469
This sounds horrific!
Glad it was only a dream.
I had a similarly terrifying dream.
I was boarding an AF 777, sitting in Premiere, going from LAX to CDG. I got comfortable in my seat, and after a few glasses of Billancart Salmon, the flight attendant asked for my boarding pass to examine.
After a few moments, she came back, and said "Monsieur, there's a mistake. You're not supposed to be in Premiere today. You must come with us to economy class."
And I was in a middle seat.
Glad it was only a dream.
I had a similarly terrifying dream.
I was boarding an AF 777, sitting in Premiere, going from LAX to CDG. I got comfortable in my seat, and after a few glasses of Billancart Salmon, the flight attendant asked for my boarding pass to examine.
After a few moments, she came back, and said "Monsieur, there's a mistake. You're not supposed to be in Premiere today. You must come with us to economy class."
And I was in a middle seat.
Nov 8, 2015, 5:49 pm
#8
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SFO
Posts: 224
Interesting as I had two dreams based at SFO last night - one was a non-fatal accident that seemed humdrum, and another where I was flying cross country and had forgotten to reserve a seat. When I found out I was in a middle seat I asked about a paid upgrade and decided to pay $497 to United even though that was crazy and I was responsible to kicking out the elite who had the seat. 
Nov 9, 2015, 11:02 am
#9
Original Poster
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: SFO/SJC
Programs: UA 1K & 2MM, Bonvoy Titanium & LTP, HH Gold, Accor Silver, Hertz PC, Avis PC
Posts: 2,350
Haha. Might have been less of a nightmare if they had been :-)
This is hilarious ^ and I can totally relate, both to the topic of the nightmare and the reaction of the Mrs when recounted in the morning. The usual reaction I get is a shake of the head, a look of mild bafflement combined with "how do you remember all this when you wake up?" Apparently I have ridiculously detailed dreams and an aptitude for remembering them.
This sounds horrific!
Glad it was only a dream.
I had a similarly terrifying dream.
I was boarding an AF 777, sitting in Premiere, going from LAX to CDG. I got comfortable in my seat, and after a few glasses of Billancart Salmon, the flight attendant asked for my boarding pass to examine.
After a few moments, she came back, and said "Monsieur, there's a mistake. You're not supposed to be in Premiere today. You must come with us to economy class."
And I was in a middle seat.
Glad it was only a dream.
I had a similarly terrifying dream.
I was boarding an AF 777, sitting in Premiere, going from LAX to CDG. I got comfortable in my seat, and after a few glasses of Billancart Salmon, the flight attendant asked for my boarding pass to examine.
After a few moments, she came back, and said "Monsieur, there's a mistake. You're not supposed to be in Premiere today. You must come with us to economy class."
And I was in a middle seat.
Interesting as I had two dreams based at SFO last night - one was a non-fatal accident that seemed humdrum, and another where I was flying cross country and had forgotten to reserve a seat. When I found out I was in a middle seat I asked about a paid upgrade and decided to pay $497 to United even though that was crazy and I was responsible to kicking out the elite who had the seat.
Nov 10, 2015, 7:16 pm
#13
Original Poster
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: SFO/SJC
Programs: UA 1K & 2MM, Bonvoy Titanium & LTP, HH Gold, Accor Silver, Hertz PC, Avis PC
Posts: 2,350
Always wished I'd been blessed with a photographic memory. Alas...
That's a dream in itself!
