Going Home. Again
 

Do you think if you were locked in an elevator with people you didn't know, the truth would come out. You know. The real truth. About your life.

For instance, lets just say you and I were locked in one. It wouldn't take very long for you to figure out that my family is just as dysfunctional as any TV family. And that's saying something.

Lets take my American family. As some of you know, I married a girl from Michigan. Like all marriages, you don't quite realize what you are getting yourself into until it is in fact, too late. Sort of like ordering a low fat, vegan meal on a long-haul flight and then wanting to change your mind onboard, when you see what everyone else is eating. And relatives are like an STD or a good set of luggage. You keep them forever. They never really go away.

But I digress.

My wife is the youngest of 5. She has one brother (who my friends in Australia assure me is a porn star, or was a porn star in another life). No matter how much porn I watch, I still haven't seen him in anything of note, but I will continue on my quest for the truth.

The rest of the siblings logically then are girls.

We, as in the family, started with 9 grandchildren. But now there are 10. The oldest sister-in-law decided that it would be a good idea to adopt a son (as she has 2 girls). Quite why is beyond me. Her oldest daughter (my niece) was already off in college (and who proudly displayed via her FaceSpace page that she was having the time of her life only dating African American track and field stars) and the youngest one cut her hair short, dressed only in black and then declared one Christmas that she was, from this moment onwards, only dating women.

I think I was the only one who cheered at the dinner table.

So one Christmas there were 9 kids. And at the next one, there were 10. But it sort of got off to a rocky start because my sister and brother-in-law decided to adopt a kid who's parents were drug dealers (allegedly). They took in a 15-year old boy, who not long after he arrived into his new family, promptly stole all their belongings and ran away.

There was much arm waving (even for Michiganders) and even my mother-in-law, who has a resting heart rate of around 12, started to get animated from the well worn crevices of her La-Z-Boy. It was all rather exciting. As my own sister says, "juice, baby, juice…"

Then to top it all off, this same sister-in-law decided to "throw the leg" with someone other than her own husband. More dramatics ensued, more arm waving and then a divorce. Kids were spread everywhere, houses were given away (or taken) and my mother-in-law blamed the whole thing on the fact that in her day, none of this happened because women stayed home while the men went off to work.

The very reason I am telling you all of this is because if we were in fact, stuck in an elevator, I would freely offer up all this personal information and more. But I would not, even if we were in there for days, admit to what I have just done in the last few months.

Seth Godin, the whimsical and slightly odd ball marketer, talks about the need to belong to a "tribe". To connect with this tribe means you need to understand them. To talk their language. To get what they do.

Nothing reeks more of a tribe than FT. I mean, seriously, could you really explain to someone this affliction we all have for status, miles and everything else that consumes our loyalty affected brains. I have tried to before. But within minutes, the other person has either run away, tells me they need to go to the bathroom or that I do in fact, have a serious mental health issue. And a drinking problem.

* * * * * * *

Let this be a lesson then for those who aren't yet married. And a sigh of understanding from those who are. My wife, as I have freely admitted before, is actually quite sane and rational. Her own mother would however disagree given her choice of husband.

Anyway, I was told about half way through this year that this would in fact, be our last year in Singapore. A place I have called home (on and off anyway) for the last 15 something years. The conversation went something like this...

"Do you remember our deal?" my wife said to me rather flippantly
"What deal?" I quipped
"The agreement we had that we were only going to do 3 years here. Do you ever listen to anything I say?"
I decided not to answer
"Well, do you?"
"Umm, sort of"
"Yes. The kids and I want to go home. As in to America…"
"Really?"
"Yes, remember our agreement?"
"What agreement?"
She held up her hand in the form a stop sign, indicating that this was in fact, the end of our discussion.
"I have already found a house" she went on to say
"Really?"
"Yes"
"And where pray tell, are we going?" I enquired
"Colorado"
"So thats settled then, we'll leave at the end of the year. Take care of the flights" she barked.

And that was pretty much it.

So what unfolds over the next few months is the Eightback family packing up all our belongings, saying good bye to friends, dealing with removalists, spending 15+ nights in 4 different hotels, renting a multitude of cars, kids trying to understand a new school system, both of the adults convincing their employers that it made sense to work from another country, plus dealing with a neurotic dog (and wait until you hear how much the damn canine cost to ship to the US). Oh, and someone kidnapping the cat. And me having to deal with the grief of losing our Filipino housekeeper.

Just as importantly, there was status to think of. I was miles behind on UA and AA and needed to get a wriggle on. Which is what I did. It's not pretty. It's not particularly funny. But it is all true.

And God help me if my wife finds out...I'll be back in a sec.

Got the popcorn ready.... :cool:

Ohhhhh, eightblack is back! Great!!! :) :D

First, happy new year... You're an Aussie right?!

My Aussie family in and around Melbourne is drunk already, I have to wait another 9 hours...

Really didn't want to be at work today- Now they really not going to get any work out of me!

Wooohoooo another Eightblack report. Please finish it soooooon.

Excelllllent. This should help get through the doldrums of the workday.

Good god this will be epic

Hope you have your winter wear out!
 

Have you noticed that the temperature here today in the land of "Mile HigH" is currently about 60 degrees F lower than that of Singapore? It seems to happen around this time each year.

Then there is that white stuff on the ground that is great for all those people who go to the mountains in an attempt to come back down in one piece with boards and other strange stuff attached to their feet. But this is snow! It gets frozen (i.e. It is cold like in the Land of Michigan). You have to shovel it (i know you know how to shovel some things. I read your TRs) You have to drive on it without becoming a topic of the morning traffic report (Driver from the tropics spins out on ice and causes a 200 car pileup closing the city!)

You will have to find a vet who makes house calls for the first time your dog decides to lick a frozen light pole and gets permanently stuck.

It's all part of adapting. Think positive: in only four or five months you will be able to put your winter wear away. Until then use ITA for flights to Latin America.

Mmmm can't wait for the next installment.

Ohhh another good one.

A SIN-DEN flight should be able to happen in 1 stop maybe 2.. I have a feeling this one will take 4 or 5 with several issues in between and a sand pit reference :D

EightBlack, when did you get to Denver and why hasn't there been a grand celebration welcoming you here? Can't wait for the next installment to your adventure.

Christmas comes late! Or is it early! He** it's Xmas!!!!

Oh God I needed this today.

Oh my. From the start of this story, it sounds like you couldn't nearly consume the amount of alcohol needed for moving, let alone driving with kids.

I wish you luck and since you have provided us, or at least me, with some excellent entertainment (glad to hear you are much closer) to allow us to provide you with a drink or two.

Glad to see you made it back! The only question is, in how many pieces!

Awesome! Can you please hold a DO on how to write a proper Trip Report?!?!

This is definitely an omen for a great 2013.

Can't wait for the next chapters in the saga...

Greg

Wouldn't a divorce, or ritual sacrifice have been easier? ;)

man, if you ever decide to publish your travel reports I'll buy your book.

but it must hurt to be kept on such a short leash though.

anyway go on with your story mate, cant wait.

2013 is going to be even better now that it has started off with an eightblack TR!

Mt partner is from Flint, and know all about Michigan, when you wrote about your wife putting up her hand, I thought she was going to show you on her michgan map where you were moving to...

BTW, your family stories are too funny and so true of people from Michigan..

Actually, moving countries is no more of a bigger deal than moving from one suburb to the next. Especially if you have done it before as we have. I think this is our fourth time. And hopefully our last. My wife keeps telling me that my next move will be to a single axle dwelling in a trailer park somewhere in Fargo. North Dakota.

That woman is seriously losing her sense of humor.

Anyway.

For those of you who don't know, Singapore is a transient city by nature. Of the 5 million people squashed onto a land mass of 400 square miles, 1 million of those people are "expats". People like you and me. There's like this revolving door at the end of each year. If you don't travel, it is quite understandable how some come down with "island fever". I could never live there 365-days a year. Would tip me right over.

The first part of our grand plan to come back to the states was to sort out the job scene. Being a typical male, I left my run until the last minute. My wife, on the other hand, simply told her boss that she had had a gutful of Singapore and was leaving. Or something like this.

She works for a big US corporation. But her boss is in Sydney. I feel for him, I really do. Although, he is greek. So he should be used to crazy women screaming at him all the time. But still.

I don't know if my wife is like yours, but when she works she is quite focussed and rarely gets distracted. Unlike me. It must be motherhood and turning 40 and being married to an adonis of a husband.

Or something like that.

The thing I like about American companies is that they tend to look after their own. Which is the way it should be. My better half has worked for this company essentially since she left college. She's survived a corporate bankruptcy. A couple of scandals. And a stint where the firm was being run by a religious madman who drove the thing into the ground. The organization has had more resurrections than Lazarus.

I think, when it all boils down to it, is that my wifes boss was spoken to in the same sort of way I was spoken to when told about our pending relocation. And because he's already probably got enough pre-menopausal women breaking his walnuts everyday, he most likely thought it was easier to send an email to his US colleagues, requesting Mrs Eightblacks transfer rather than sit on his hands and do nothing. Which wouldn't have ended well for him if he did.

If you're "lucky" enough to work for big corporate and they want you to go to another country, they pay for it. From soup to nuts. We've been fortunate to be on the receiving end of this benefit a couple of times before. But the world has changed. For us at least. This move is something we (correction, my wife) wanted. So we were funding the whole thing ourselves.

Enter the benefits of FT. In a moment.

The shipping costs. Well, we were pretty much on our own as far as this was concerned. What happens is that you call one of those reputable international movers and some well dressed person comes to your house with a clipboard and a measuring tape and they wander all around your house or apartment, muttering to themselves. At the end of the day, no matter how many quotes you obtain, the price is always the same. All your crap is either fitting into a 20 foot container. Or a 40 foot one. Or both if you wife is from upstate New York.

I was quite happy to leave all our stuff in Singapore and buy new stuff when we got to the US. All our appliances would have to be replaced anyway as apparently bad things happen to a 220 volt device if you connect it to a 110 volt outlet.

I tried to reason with my wife when the quotes came in for the shipping…

"Why don't we just sell everything and walk out with our luggage?. Lets not ship a thing" I said, using my most intelligent voice
"Don't be an idiot"
"But we could use what we are going to spend on shipping on buying the new stuff" I pleaded
"I said don't be an idiot"
"And another thing. We're taking the dog with us"
"We are?" I innocently responded
"Yes" came the defiant response.
"How much is that going to cost us?"
"Never mind" she said emphatically

I had to be careful here because I was treading on the proverbial marriage made quicksand. She who must be obeyed is a serious animal lover and she and the kids are rather fond of our hysterically neurotic Jack Russell.

After our first stint of living in the US (many years ago), we were then transferred to Sydney and instead of one dog, we had 2. Most useless canines ever. Small yappy things called Rat Terriers, with severe anger management issues. The smaller one ran into the bottom step of our garage one winter at full speed. It yelped for hours and the next day started walking with one leg constantly in the air. Our neighbor said it "had a bent frame" and we should take it back.

The other one was mildly electrocuted. Actually, in fact, they both were. You see, my wife in her wisdom decided that we should install one of those "invisible fences". For those non animal people, an invisible fence is essentially a cable or a wire, which is buried along the border of your property - including under your driveway. The dogs then wear these collars which have a small transceiver fitted to it. If the collar comes within 6 inches of the perimeter of your fence line (or boundary), the small canine is delivered a decent burst of electricity from the battery powered collar, to remind it not to cross over to the dark side. And to teach it some manners. Even the most stupid of animals quickly learn that it is bad karma to go near the fence line.

Not long after we had the invisible fence system put in, my wife had to take the dogs to the vet. So she loads the rodents into the back of her SUV, backs down the driveway, forgets something in the house, parks the car and runs inside to get whatever it is she was wanting and upon returning to the car, notices that the dogs are in fact quite cross.

In fact, they are both bouncing off the roof of the SUV like over zealous pin balls. In my wifes words, the dogs were "going psycho". Which was understandable when you realize that my intelligent spouse had parked the rear of the car on top of the perimeter line in the driveway, causing the shock collars to deploy maximum volts.

From that point on, neither dog was really quite the same. One walked with its back leg constantly cocked in the air and even though it was male, used to squat to pee. And the bigger dog took to attacking every delivery driver who ever set foot onto our humble abode, to the point of the local Fedex store banning all deliveries to us. I used to have to drive down to the depot to pick up every damn package.

Then when it came time to move to Australia, we starting making enquiries as to how much it was going to cost to move them. I about fell over.

As you would expect, I lost the argument and as we didn't yet have children, the dogs were the closest things to family we had (according to my wife).

I remember my neighbor hearing about the cost and coming over one day.

"There you go", he said as he put 2 12-gauge shot gun shells on our kitchen counter
"What are they for?" I innocently asked
I just saved you $10 grand he said...

Strewth, look at the time. We haven't even left yet...

My wife and MIL are both staring at me, wondering why I am rolling with laughter. Great update, eightblack.

I haven't moved with a SO yet, but I know that moms and their dogs are hard to separate. My mom has spent more on her overgrown mop of a dog than on both children combined, and they haven't moved across any borders. At least our dog is smart enough to avoid the electric fence, which is not true of our neighbor's dog (which will come to our yard to visit our dog, which results in getting shocked by 2 electric fences in each direction!).

I could stop laughing at this, what a mental picture you painted!

Thank you for the great laugh.

Maddeningly though, the stupid dog got amazing connections. A direct flight from Singapore to Amsterdam. And then another direct flight from AMS to DTW. And then a 80-mile drive in the back of a small van to my mother in laws place, which is where the dog would be staying until we found a permanent place to live in Colorado.

Actually for what it cost, I was thinking about enrolling it into Delta Skymiles and seeing if I could earn some miles.

Anyway enough about animals. Silly things.

I started to work on the human travel requirements and this is where things sort of fell into place. First of all, we had to vacate our apartment around the middle of December. That worked well for several reasons. One is that I was about 11 nights short of re-qualifying for Hyatt Diamond. So I booked 4 nights in Singapore and used a Suite upgrade. Job done.

Then I booked 2 nights in DXB - again at the Hyatt, burnt another Suite upgrade. Most excellent.

As far as flights went, I sort of didn't have much choice. Family had already issued instructions that they were flying EK so apparently that was it then.

And I thought since we leaving Singapore for good, that we should leave with fond memories of the place. And take our time getting to De-friggin-troit. Trust me, I was in no rush. Neither would you be...

So I decided on a day and a half in Dubai - as the wife and kids had never set foot outside the airport. And then a stop in New York for a few days right before Xmas. And then a quick flight to DTW.

The good thing with EK is that if you choose A380 flights, because the J cabin has 76-seats, its not that difficult to find award seats. Ok, one-way awards may not be the best use of miles (according to the die hards out there) but if you can snag them (especially at Xmas), then it can literally save you a small fortune.

While I think it's a little crass to talk about money, give me a hall pass for a moment, because I think this is the only way to make a point.

I had the EK miles. Plenty of them. What I didn't have was $26K sitting in my pocket, which is what 4 x one-way J tickets would have cost on EK to go SIN-DXB-JFK in the middle of December, with a stop in DXB. And chauffeur drive out of SIN, again in DXB and then from JFK to Manhattan.

What I did was pull 2 one-way J awards, and then I purchased 2 Y tickets, and upgraded them to J with miles. All in total was just under $3K for the 4 of us. Guess what the blooming dog cost to ship?

Five grand.

I kept reminding my wife that she now owed me at least 5-years worth of sex credits but sadly her redemption desk is only ever open when there is a solar eclipse. Over Uzbekistan. In March.

What compounded all of this was that I was actually quite busy at work and was traveling like an idiot. So I actually never had to deal with the move out of the apartment. One day I left the place - and when I came back, the entire family were camped out at the Hyatt in Singapore.

Its funny going to a hotel in a city you have lived in for a long time. I remember coming back from the airport and then my wife texting me the room number. I had never stayed at the Hyatt before and was looking forward to enjoying the suite, and having a few quiet drinks in the lounge.

But then reality set in. When I opened the door to the room, my heart sank. The room looked like it had been occupied by a pack of gang bangers. For a week. Stuff strewn everywhere. The family may have checked into a suite when they arrived, but it sure as eggs wasn't a suite now. Nor might be ever again.

Both kids greeted me in a semi excited fashion.

"Hi Dad" my daughter said with an infectious smile
"Do you want something to eat?"
"No thanks"
"What about a drink?"
"What are you, a waiter for the hotel?"
"Dad, all the food is free"
"No its not"
"Yes it is. See you just press this button on the phone and order what you want and they bring it to you"

Then I saw them. Room service chits scattered from one end of the place to the other. My heart sank some more. My wife then blamed me for not being there for the past few days and this was all my fault. Apparently it's exhausting watching a herd of removalists pack your stuff and giving directions all day to the 2 Filipino housekeepers. But lets not go there.

I think I might have said this before somewhere, but I rarely travel with the whole family. Most family holidays we travel in 2 teams. The boys and girls go their separate ways and we just meet up at the destination. Much easier on everyone.

But this trip - I sort of had no choice. We had 10 suitcases, some soft bags and our wheelies. We didn't fit in a single taxi. So we had to ensure maxi cabs (like 7+ seater vans). Or 2 cars in some cases.

I can't tell you how painful it was. When I travel, I only ever travel with a laptop bag and my wheelie. Never check luggage. Ever. Don't care how long the trip is.

But moving the family was excruciating. First you need to plan in advance in terms of getting all the luggage back down to the lobby. Then you have to get everyone to agree to be in the lobby at a certain time. Then at the airport you have to either pay a porter a small fortune to move all your crap. Or use a weeks wages to rent 4 luggage carts.

Worse still, is that my family know how much I dislike traveling as a group (with them) so they wind me up even more, by wandering off all the time, pretending not to hear me, or wanting to go to the bathroom when we are about to board.

Thankfully, the Singapore to Dubai leg was the easy part. Changi is my second home and I have beaten a well worn path to the EK counter. Wife and kids slept for a good portion of the leg - while I calmed my nerves at the bar, at the rear of the upper deck. I thought it rude to not accept a drink when they had gone to all that effort.

As I said, Dubai was the easy part. Even though its busier than Grand Central station - it has plenty of infrastructure and it works like a charm.

One leg down, 3 more to go. Are you still with me...?

We are still with you and waiting for more.
And to paraphrase another Aussie " where the bloody hell is it"

There goes all Productivity for the day! I'm glued to this and may be late for work! As always, a great read. the next time you find yourself in the DCA Area, I would be honored to share a few glasses of a fine single malt with you.

I laughed so hard I spilled beer on my iPad. :D My only fear is that further updates will appear while I fly NRT-LAX.

Very rude. I'm certain you were polite and had several so as not to offend.

EVERY step of the way.

How lucky am I to have stumbled on this thread?!?

Been waiting for another one of these for a while! ^^^

Ok- I wore out a keyboard at work hitting the F5 button so many times. The House CinC (Commander in Chief) thinks i've certainly gone off the deep end. My 5 year old is avoiding me. Do you think its due to the fact i have FT going on 3 devices at one time waiting for the next installment?

Traveling with "stuff"
 

A wise person once told me that when the family says they are packed, toss half the stuff and take twice the money!

In your situation I would have recommended sell all the remaing stuff to pay for the dog. Either way you have no money.

Actually laughed out loud whilst reading this. People have now moved away from me on the train and keep giving me strange looks!

Can't wait for the next installment.

Great to see you back writing another epic TR, the laughs i know will come thick and fast, boring day at work, so this will keep me going:D^

Eightblack, perfect description of the SG "expat" scene (yes I cringe using that term, as well:D). I live and work around Raffles Place, and "venturing out" for me is drinks on Boat Quay...if 3 weeks goes by and I haven't left the country I start going mad!

Huge fan of your reports, can't wait for the rest!

The first day back at the office is suddenly looking a bit brighter.

"like an STD or a good set of luggage." This is the best phrase I've heard in ages. You're a brilliant writer.

Ouch...too funny:) Can't you use EK miles for the dog's flights???:D...how much would it cost to buy the same dog again in Denver?:o Reminds me of the time I told a work colleague it would be cheaper to buy a new dog than pay for her dog's hip operation....she didn't speak to me for months!!:eek: