FlyerTalk Forums - Going Home. Again

While my wife was dealing with removalists, corresponding with the kids new schools in Colorado, and working out how she was going to hide the cost of shipping the dog from me, I had more important things to worry about.

I'd taken the AA EXP challenge earlier in the year and hadn't done anything about it. We need to talk quietly here (even whisper) as there are some very cranky folks over on the AA board who are not at all happy about these wannabe 1K'ers coming over and playing in their sandpit. I've visited the AA board a few times and it is abundantly clear to me that there are many members who most definitely, still have many unresolved issues with their parents.

Anyway.

I needed 55K EQP's (same thing as EQM's apparently). I was fortunate enough to have had some work travel earlier which meant a couple of F sectors on BA and a domestic AA flight or 2. I was sitting at a paltry 17,000 points.

This is where the power of FT comes into its own. Another member (who incidentally is my US based travel agent) told me about some cheap CX fares to Australia ex CMB (as in Colombo, Sri Lanka). Since I had a work project going on down under and needed to be there at least twice, I jumped on these J fares. Bought 2 of them. About 10-days apart.

Then, as you would expect, things went pear shaped. Royally.

See - it's like this. You have to position to CMB from Singapore. No big deal. It's a 3 hr flight. Theres a CX flight which runs from SIN to CMB. It then turns right around, comes back, goes on to HKG, then you catch an overnight flight to Australia and then you're done. What is normally a 7-hour trip, turns into 30-hours of travel.

Now, it's not all that bad. Actually, yes it is.

I will explain.

The positioning flight out of SIN leaves around 10pm. You get into CMB late at night. I forget what time. You wait a couple of hours in something called the Lotus Lounge (trust me, there's nothing Lotus about it). But it has staggeringly fast wifi with absolutely no security. The lounge is a decent size and every time I have been there, I have only ever seen a couple of people at most. The food is inedible.

It has a shower (the smallest you have ever seen) which I did use on one trip but was put off using it again. I was half way through giving myself a good wash when the door burst open and there was a very animated Sri Lankan man, standing there, waving both arms telling me it was "his turn" and for me to hurry up and get out.

I'm no prude, but this took me by surprise. Just my luck to get some wrinkly old man seeing me naked...

Tip of the day then. Lock the bathroom door. Onwards.

You then "start" your new journey and leave CMB around 1.30am. Head right back from whence you came. Back to friggin SIN. Then wait an hour. Then a 3-hr flight to HKG. Then wait 7-hours. Or more. Then an overnight flight to MEL. Or Syd. Take your pick. You can even, I'm told, fly to Adelaide. Quite why you would want to is anyones guess. Adelaide is Australia's version of. Actually never mind.

By the end of it, you feel absolutely hammered. Probably because you are. Because it is the only way to cope.

The first time I did this, I was sort of excited to be able to use the CX F lounges. The Wing was being refurbished (their swanky new lounge) but something called The Pier was open and it was (or still is) very good. Since I had a full working day to burn (ie landed at 11am and my next flight wasn't until 7pm ish), I set up camp close to the bar (which in hindsight, may not have been such a good idea). I ate. And then drank. A little more to eat. And then a little more to drink. A very polite Cantonese waiter (that is an oxymoron if ever there is one) kept refilling my champagne glass.

By the time my plane was about to board, I tried to stand up but nothing happened. It was like that scene out of Lethal Weapon, where Danny Glover is stuck on the toilet because there is a bomb strapped to the bottom of it. He wants to get up, but he simply cant. His legs are frozen with fear and exhaustion.

Mine on the other hand were simply not working because both femoral arteries were now, completely full of french sparkling wine.

It would be safe to say that I was well and truly trollied. Not bad enough where I was going to be denied boarding or where I was making a scene, but bad enough to know that I was going to feel decidedly average when I woke up in the morning.

The only saving grace about all of this is that the hard product on CX gets better as you get more tired. CX runs 777 equipment regionally between SIN, CMB and HKG. But they opted for the cheapest fitout possible and their regional J product makes domestic F on United Express look good. Useless IFE. Seats have limited recline. And J is a 2-3-2 layout.

However on the flights to Australia, CX run A330's with their new J seat.

But unlike UA, the soft product with CX is very, very good. Couldn't fault them at all.

Once you land in Australia, you brush off the flights and keep telling yourself that that wasn't so bad. Until you have to go back home. The same way.

So MEL to HKG. Very nice. Start off in the Qantas F lounge. Have breakfast and something to calm the nerves. As I said, you jump onboard a newly fitted out A330 with the new CX J seats. All good so far.

Then you hit HKG in rush hour. The first trip our plane was running late and my connection to CMB was anorexic. There was a very agitated Cantonese woman waiting for me with a sign. Never a good thing.

She yells at me to run - along side her. At the same time she is barking hideous obscenities down the 2-way radio to someone. I have no idea who. Probably her poor, hapless husband.

There is no "excuse me" or "pardon me" at the transfer security check point. She just crashes through the crowd like a crazed Secret Service agent, without the large gun.

Amazingly, I made the flight. My escort, proud of yet another "made connection" bid me farewell and went off to find the next victim.

Fly all the way back to SIN, then wait an hour, then all the way to CMB, wait some more, then turn right around and go back to SIN. You get into SIN around 7am in the morning. A full 24 hours after you left.

I know what you're all thinking. Why didn't I just get off at SIN the first time. And not bother about going back to CMB and then coming all the way back to Changi again.

Well, its like this. This fare was super cheap. If I decided to run the gauntlet and abort the mission early, CX could have re-fared my ticket and charged me an eye wateringly amount of money. I didn't want to risk it. More importantly, imagine if that did happen and CX decided not to honor or credit all the flights back to AA. That would be catastrophic.

Airlines have revenue assurance departments. People who wear cardigans and sit in the bowels of airline offices, scouring their databases for people who do the wrong thing. Like this.

But it's so tempting. Or was. Especially the second time around.

http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/8929/95921670.gif

I was kind of hoping that the kids and wife would sleep in during our short layover in Dubai. But no such luck. Even though we landed at o'dark hundred - it was 2am local time by the time we managed to drag our mountain of luggage to EK's chauffeur drive desk and plead with the nice lady behind the desk to send us the biggest vehicle they had.

They obviously receive this request often because the nice lady did not blink and within minutes a Mercedes van thing pulled up with a portly Emerati behind the wheel.

I threatened the kids with death if they touched the room service menu, but sadly I was over ruled and within minutes they were both moaning that they were hungry and that it was perfectly logical to want a pizza at 3am in the morning, cooked by a person who was hell and gone from Italy. I told the kids that the pizza would probably come with hummus as a side, but they would not be deterred.

Like all kids, when they hear one parent say no, they simply turn to the other one and begin pitching their case all over again.

Kids and wife won as usual, and 30-minutes later, there is a knock on the door and something resembling pizza arrives. I decided to stick to something room service could not screw up. A nice cold "green tea", produced by Heineken. Even comes in a green bottle.

What was even more frustrating was the fact that the kids and wife all woke up at a reasonable hour, so we then had to decide what to do for a day, as our flight to JFK wasn't until 8am the following morning.

Son then reads about some water adventure park. I rolled my eyes, as I was still recovering from the last visit to a water park when we went to Hong Kong earlier in the year.

But it was settled. We were going.

Actually, I think my wife dropped my son on his head when he was a baby when I wasn't looking. Not very hard. But probably enough to do some damage. The child has no fear. And he will go on any ride - despite any type of imminent danger.

We went to a place called Aquaventure at Atlantis. There was a ride called "The Leap of Faith". According to their website, "the ride is 27.5 meters tall and 61 meters long, and catapults the rider into a transparent tunnel and through a shark filled lagoon, where guitar sharks, bow mouth sharks, white tip, black tip and grey reef sharks all reside".

What it should say is: The Leap of Faith - Adult males beware. Riding this water slide will result in both testicles disappearing for days. Weeks perhaps. You'll need military grade sonar to find them again. And a tire lever to wedge them loose from your inner ear canal when you do.

Or something like this.

I swear to god it was terrifying. Son had been up and down it several times before he conned me into going on it. I thought we were going on another ride as several of the amusements use the same stairway. Then before I knew it, I was lying on my back, and it then felt like the ground disappeared from beneath you. It was like falling off a building. All I know was that I was swearing profusely and quietly determined to Homer choke the life out of number one son if I survived the ordeal.

If you don't believe me, here's a picture of the thing courtesy of some other website.

http://img545.imageshack.us/img545/7...poffaithat.jpg

What was also weird about the water park was that it was, if I'm honest, a little chilly. Just because Dubai is in the middle of the desert, doesn't mean it doesn't get cold. It can. And it does. December is probably the most perfect time of the year to visit.

We survive the water park and manage to convince the kids that it might be a good time to eat. Atlantis is a major hotel type resort and there is a supposedly upscale restaurant there with what is nothing more than a fancy all you can eat buffet. Which is what we did.

I don't know if your kids are the same as mine, but in our sons case, because he was born in Nebraska, he believes any type of vegetable is the work of the devil. He will basically pile his plate as high as he can with as much meat as possible. Our daughter on the other hand believes you should start every meal with dessert, have dessert as a starter, as an appetizer, as a main and then as - well, a dessert.

Letting them loose on the buffet - which would have even impressed a Vegas Casino operator, was probably not the most sensible of things to do.

We staggered out of Atlantis feeling like the Klump family. I had eaten so much I had to unbutton my trousers, much to the horror of my wife and daughter.

I told the family that we needed to get to bed early as we had a sunrise start. As usual, they simply ignored me and told me that they were going shopping.

See what my life is like. I'm just putting the coffee on. Be back soon...