AN*G-BNE

Yes, the title is right. It's not a typo, I really do mean trips report.

To explain, as I've mentioned in other postings, I've recently commenced a new job that sees me on planes at least 4 days a week, every week. Cities range from regional Queensland cities a short hop away from Queensland, and down to Sydney, Canberra and Melbourne. Travel has been split between Qantas and Virgin Blue, depending on who has better times, particularly for the regional Queensland cities, but it has reached the stage where the QF and DJ lounge staff at Brisbane pretty much know me by name and sight now.

So, lots of routine flights, with the occasional interesting event or two. And that's what this report is about. I thought I'd periodically write about the out-of-the-ordinary happenings, the events that cause temporary amusement, or sighs, or cringes.

What Do You Mean - I Can't Take My Bag On

Let's start with the ideal revenge for a gate agent faced with a self-important DYKWIA well past her prime lady, all made up and dressed impeccably, about to board a twin-prop Dash 8 with two roll-on bags, both to all appearances sake bigger than what any sane person (passengers on American airlines excepted), would try to take on board as cabin baggage. Not content with holding up the boarding line (I was right behind her) with her argument that she regularly took both bags on board, and she was a "highly respected doctor" and a "valuable One World Ruby" frequent flyer, complete with brandishing boarding pass and pointing out her lowly OW Ruby status and her title on the boarding pass, in a huff, she finally acquised to having one bag gate checked. Now, this is a Dash-8. A small plane. With not much in-cabin storage space. Walking across the tarmac and onto the plane, she headed for 4D (2-2 arrangement as AB--CD), as I settled in to 5A. First, the overhead locker. It would have been immediately apparent to just about everyone who has flown on a Dash-8 or other regional plane before, that her one remaining bag would not fit in the overhead locker. However, this passenger was of the view that her highly esteemed status and position in society would cause the overhead locker to yield and expand to sufficient size to cope with her bag. After a minute or so of huffing and puffing, with a glare of defeat, she gave up and started to attack the under seat space. Finally, it appeared that she managed to make it fit, although she would have been left with an inch or two of leg room.

As boarding reached the end, it was apparent that the flight was just a bit over half full. Every pair of seats in each row had a solitary occupant, with the exception of two or three pairs, where it appeared that the seatmates were family or colleagues. Boarding was complete about 10 minutes before scheduled pushback time. Dear Dr Ruby then decided that she could move to 4C to have more legroom. Then, glancing out of the window across the tarmac, I noticed this man of largish size (ok, somewhat beyond large), running as best he could, to get to the plane, followed closely behind by the gate agent bearing the passenger manifest. Clearly a late, last minute boarder, and the last passenger to board. As he boarded the plane, the gate agent handed over the paperwork, and the door was pulled up to be closed. Dripping with sweat, and puffing with exertion, our tardy passenger looked at his boarding pass and headed to ... 4C. Clearly the ultimate revenge for the gate agent!


And What Is The Time Again?

Boarding for the 8.30am flight had already been delayed due to an "engineering issue" (I found out, talking to a gate agent I was now familiar with, that one of the toilets was not flushing). Eventually, we boarded 25 minutes late, and pushed back 20 minutes after our scheduled departure time. Unfortunately, we had a long taxi and an even longer stop short and hold whilst 2 other planes took off and 4 planes landed. Though, I was treated to the rather surprising and unusual sight of a small private plane (possibly a single engine, 4 passenger Cessna, from my quick glimpse), landing on the main BNE runway 01/19 instead of the usual 14/32 used for the small planes.

By the time we took off and reached cruising altitude, we were, by my estimates, going to be about 30 minutes late. And this, for a 50 minute flight was a significant delay. About 10 minutes later, around 9.15am the Captain came on over the PA, "Good evening, ladies and ... oh sorry, Good afternoon, ladies and ... ummm, it's actually morning I mean...". Followed by, "... and we'll have you disembarking on schedule at 20 past 9 today". Five minutes to cover the remaining 250 miles, and descend and land? Fortunately, his navigational skills were better than his chronological skills, and we did make it to the right airport, albeit 30 minutes late.


A Scenic Tour

Small regional airports are not normally congested. In fact, most of the day, there are usually no planes on the ground. So, what then, with perfectly clear weather and not a cloud in the sky, would cause a pilot to circle around the airport three times before landing?

Could it be superstition? A photo opportunity from the ground? Too much fuel having being loaded and needing to be burned off to make safe landing weight?

It certainly wasn't to keep to schedule - a landing first attempt would have meant we were right on time.

Could the solitary air traffic controller in the tower have gone off for a toilet break and got stuck there? Kangaroos on the runway needing to be chased away?

To this day, I have no idea why. But then, speculating is much more fun.


A Much Appreciated On-board Upgrade

Friday afternoon flights leaving regional towns for BNE are always packed, and this one was no exception, in Y. DJ flies 2 or 3 rows of Y+ in a 2-2 configuration, with Y seats in a 3-3 configuration filling up the rest of the cabin. Being one of the last to board, given I had an aisle seat this flight, I noticed two empty seats in Y+ and a full Y cabin.

When I reached my row, my aisle seat was occupied. Not by a confused passenger in the wrong seat, but instead, by the passenger in the middle seat, who despite being already squeezed up as close to possible to the window seat occupant, was also occupying around half my aisle seat. There was no physical way the arm-rests were going to lower. In fact, I had serious doubts about an extension seat belt even being enough. The only way I could see a seat belt working, would be to use the extender seat belt to link the tongue side of the middle seat, and the clasp side of the aisle seat together. There was no possible way I would fit into what was left of my seat.

Calling the cabin supervisor over, I said to her, "I think you can see the problem". The cabin supervisor asked me to wait a minute, and went to check on the flight manifest, then came back to ask me to follow her up, telling our overweight friend to move to the aisle seat. As she directed me to one of the empty Y+ seats, I said to her, not feeling in a very politically correct mood after a long week, "thanks for moving me away from that fellow air traveller possessing immense girth". A quizzical look appeared on her face, so I said, "have a think about it", with a cheeky grin. A minute later, from the front galley, came a loud burst of uncontrolled laughter. "Yep", I thought. She's got it now. Suffice to say, the safety briefing which started a few seconds after that (on DJ, the cabin supervisor reads out the safety announcements live in person), did not go smoothly.

I know, I shouldn't make fun. And I'm not insensitive to people with afflictions. But it was too good an opportunity to pass.



With many more flights to come in the weeks ahead, I'm sure there'll be more tales to tell...

ppgstf

I've spent too many hours on aircraft next to a lard arse with personal hygene problems. Sod sensitivity, why should you have to suffer because someone can't put on deodorant or put down a cream cake!