EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: NEW CHANGES!!
Sep 2, 2002 | 5:43 am
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida, United States
Programs: DL CO UA
Posts: 163
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY: NEW CHANGES!!
I saw this on the United board, thougt some of y'all might get a laugh. 
In an effort to cut back on excessive spending, United Airlines has decided to make the following concessions. Please ask your immediate supervisor for more information if you have questions.
TICKETING/CHECKIN
-Plastic tip containers, like those found at many Starbucks locations, will be placed on check-in counters. All funds will be placed in your end-of-shift deposit bag. Using the donations for personal use will result in termination.
-Writing on passengers tickets/ticket envelopes to indicate boarding times and gate locations wastes valuable ink. Any employee found circling a flight number, gate number, departure time, etc. will be written up. Please save on the use of writing instruments.
-Laid-off workers will be called back to sell Air Wise, a publication for unemployed airline workers, in the terminal building. A team effort should be made to encourage passengers to purchase this informative news bulletin.
GATE/BOARDING
-Our passengers want to get to their destination, right? Instead of paying large wages to ground crew to service the aircraft, passengers will be randomly selected to refuel the plane, empty waste tanks, load beverage/meal carts and luggage, and assist in collecting boarding passes. Since all passengers are anxious to arrive at their destination, they will work expeditiously to ensure an ontime departure.
-Passengers who think they merit the preboarding service, when they're really not in need, will be fined US$200. No exceptions. Gate agents are the ultimate authority in these situations.
-Jetways use a tremendous amount of energy to accommodate different aircraft. Hereafter, jetways will be left at a specific point, and pilots are to situate the aircraft as close as possible to the jetway. This may require jumping, leaping, and complex acrobatic routines on the passengers parts. Passengers not willing to board in this manner will be those selected to perform the aforementioned maintenance functions, and they will be boarded via mobile staircase.
INFLIGHT
-Flushing toilets burns additional fuel. Signs stating the following will be posted in the lavatories: If its yellow, let it mellow. If its brown, flush it down.
-Many customers only finish half the bag of snack mix. Therefore, one bag will be distributed for every two passengers to share.
-We have noticed that some passengers can produce some powerful gas with their own excretory systems. Air collection devices will be installed in all seats throughout the cabin which will direct potentially-burnable gas to the engines. A monitor will ensure the best fuel economy.
-Beverages boarded in cans will no longer be poured into glasses/plastic cups.
-Motion sickness bags will no longer be replenished. If one has to vomit that bad, they most likely will not have time to remove the bag from the seat pocket. Too bad for the neighboring passenger.
-Emergency informational cards will no longer be printed. In most cases when this equipment is needed, the plane crashes anyway, and all passengers die.
LANDING
-A pressurized chamber into which rubbish will be placed will be emptied prior to landing to decrease weight and save wear and tear on the aircrafts brakes. Ensure that items with the United logo not be released. (And you thought people living around airports complained about the noise?)
-Fasten seat belt signs will be turned off immediately after landing so passengers can get a head start on gathering their belongings. This improves turn around, and the aircrafts power unit will not have to run as long. If we have to stop quick...oh well.
-Luggage will not be separated on individual flight carousels. This wastes time and manpower. Instead, customers will rummage through a pile of baggage in search of their own. As usual, "priority bags" will be placed at the bottom middle of the pile as they habitaully are the last bags to be found. Its not our problem if passengers dont have clean underwear.
With these steps, we hope to make United Airlines a more profitable and enjoyable airline.
In an effort to cut back on excessive spending, United Airlines has decided to make the following concessions. Please ask your immediate supervisor for more information if you have questions.
TICKETING/CHECKIN
-Plastic tip containers, like those found at many Starbucks locations, will be placed on check-in counters. All funds will be placed in your end-of-shift deposit bag. Using the donations for personal use will result in termination.
-Writing on passengers tickets/ticket envelopes to indicate boarding times and gate locations wastes valuable ink. Any employee found circling a flight number, gate number, departure time, etc. will be written up. Please save on the use of writing instruments.
-Laid-off workers will be called back to sell Air Wise, a publication for unemployed airline workers, in the terminal building. A team effort should be made to encourage passengers to purchase this informative news bulletin.
GATE/BOARDING
-Our passengers want to get to their destination, right? Instead of paying large wages to ground crew to service the aircraft, passengers will be randomly selected to refuel the plane, empty waste tanks, load beverage/meal carts and luggage, and assist in collecting boarding passes. Since all passengers are anxious to arrive at their destination, they will work expeditiously to ensure an ontime departure.
-Passengers who think they merit the preboarding service, when they're really not in need, will be fined US$200. No exceptions. Gate agents are the ultimate authority in these situations.
-Jetways use a tremendous amount of energy to accommodate different aircraft. Hereafter, jetways will be left at a specific point, and pilots are to situate the aircraft as close as possible to the jetway. This may require jumping, leaping, and complex acrobatic routines on the passengers parts. Passengers not willing to board in this manner will be those selected to perform the aforementioned maintenance functions, and they will be boarded via mobile staircase.
INFLIGHT
-Flushing toilets burns additional fuel. Signs stating the following will be posted in the lavatories: If its yellow, let it mellow. If its brown, flush it down.
-Many customers only finish half the bag of snack mix. Therefore, one bag will be distributed for every two passengers to share.
-We have noticed that some passengers can produce some powerful gas with their own excretory systems. Air collection devices will be installed in all seats throughout the cabin which will direct potentially-burnable gas to the engines. A monitor will ensure the best fuel economy.
-Beverages boarded in cans will no longer be poured into glasses/plastic cups.
-Motion sickness bags will no longer be replenished. If one has to vomit that bad, they most likely will not have time to remove the bag from the seat pocket. Too bad for the neighboring passenger.
-Emergency informational cards will no longer be printed. In most cases when this equipment is needed, the plane crashes anyway, and all passengers die.
LANDING
-A pressurized chamber into which rubbish will be placed will be emptied prior to landing to decrease weight and save wear and tear on the aircrafts brakes. Ensure that items with the United logo not be released. (And you thought people living around airports complained about the noise?)
-Fasten seat belt signs will be turned off immediately after landing so passengers can get a head start on gathering their belongings. This improves turn around, and the aircrafts power unit will not have to run as long. If we have to stop quick...oh well.
-Luggage will not be separated on individual flight carousels. This wastes time and manpower. Instead, customers will rummage through a pile of baggage in search of their own. As usual, "priority bags" will be placed at the bottom middle of the pile as they habitaully are the last bags to be found. Its not our problem if passengers dont have clean underwear.
With these steps, we hope to make United Airlines a more profitable and enjoyable airline.
