You know the Capt. is a Jokester when he says
 

Post the fnniest thing you've heard a pilot say.

"If the Jetblue Plane was able to make it, theres no doubt in my mind that we will make it"

That line along with another just as funny was said by a captain on a Delta SFO > JFK flight back in Febuary when there was a blizzard going on and we were landing in it.

He also said 10 minutes before the above and after being in a holding pattern for over 45 minutes. "The Jetblue flight ahead of us is going to test the runway for us, thankfully its them and not us". (might of not been exact wording).

"Folks, we are going to be a few minutes late in our departure. The machine that breaks the wheels on your suitcase is broken, and we have to do it by hand....Actually, we are waiting for a couple of connecting passengers." :)

Pilot: "I've got good news and bad news, the bad news is that due to a weather system we have to divert our route and we are going to arrive 30 minutes delayed, the good news is that you can save 15% on auto insurance by switching to Geico"

NWA
 

On a NWA 744 on the upper deck, the Pilot comes out before the flight, introduces himself and asks if there are any first time fliers. There were none, so he says "looks like I'm the only one today......"

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing to fly with Mandarin Airlines. As we taxi out, please make yourselves comfortable. For those of you sitting on the right side of the plane, please ignore our other... um ... airliner. Please enjoy your flight..."

Flying out of ABQ, I can honestly say that being on the 744 upper deck is never my first flight. ;)

Slightly Off Topic
 

While taxing to the terminal on a WN flight the FA announces over the public address system the following:

"Today on board we have two twin brothers celebrating their 80th birthday with their first flight ever." After the applause dies down, he continues, " On your way out feel free to stick your head into the cockpit and wish them a happy birthday."

LOL ... :D

A variation on this theme:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we'll be landing in New York about 20 minutes early. The bad news is that we'll be landing at JFK instead of LGA."

After touchdown at LAS...

"Folks, from the flight deck, we hope you enjoy your stay here in Las Vegas, also known as Disneyland for adults. Remember, what happens in Vegas..."

(brief pause, just long enough for pax to say to each other "stays in Vegas"... announcement resumes)

"...will be on YouTube tomorrow!"

On BA departing DXB. Lots of kids on board.

Capitan: Please remember, this is a Boeing 777 airliner. Not a playground. Please refrain from running in the aisles or disturbing other, sleeping, passengers.

A few years back as we were landing in Madrid the Captain thanked the passengers for flying on his airline: "I'd like to thank you for flying with Delta today. I know you have many bankrupt airlines to choose from and I'm grateful you chose ours".

NWA flight leaving Detroit a few years back, Captain comes on the PA and thanks us for flying NW and asks all passengers to move to the window seat if possible. I am thinking holey moley, I thought they only did that on small planes, he says--when we taxi by the Southwest "jet" they will think we are a full flight.

WN flight the captain was making standard "we're climbing to cruise altitude, enjoy the flight" announcement when we hit a pretty good roller-coaster bump. This led to his expression of: "Wheeee!" as one would say when going on a roller coaster....

The nervous flyer next to me was not amused.

NWA Capt
 

In a mid 90s had a captain on NWA who let loose with these:

"We will now dim the lights in order to make our flight staff appear more attractive..."

Before landing:

"Please remember to take all of your belongs out of the overhead compartment.. anything left will be divided up by the crew"

And the after we landed and the bell dinged an "All rise..."

His delivery was quite good, something tells me he did this on a regular basis

... when the take-off briefing goes something along these lines:

CPT: I fly, you watch. If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Questions?
FO (That was me, in case you're wondering): ehh ...... roger?