after a 6 hour delay due to weather, our jetblue flight was leaving at 11pm. The pilot came out as people were taking their seats and in his thick irish accent said, "I apologize for the delay. it is weather related in NYC. If you could all grab your seats as quickly as possible, i promise that I'll fly this plane like i stole it. We'll get to NYC quickly."

Not overly hilarious, but when you heard his accent and how honest he said it, it was pretty funny.

The plane applauding it also helped the funny factor.

Sunday on BA945:
"Welcome to Heathrow Terminal 5C". [Pauses] "The problem with Terminal 5 C is, that it has never been built... So there are buses waiting to take you to immigration(...)"

Made me smile despite the annoyance of bus gates...

Here is one
 

Folks Welcome on Board. I wanted to let you know that in order to save money Microsoft is flying your plane from their offices in Seattle. I'm just here in case their systems go down and to navigate the Air Traffic Control. Bill Gates has informed me that the flying time between San Francisco to London gate to gate will be 9 hours 50 minutes at an altitude of 35,000 feet. Our flight crew and flight attendants will ensure you a safe trip so just sit back and relax and enjoy the flight(:

"Otto and I are counting on you to not eat the fish for dinner"

"Our flight time today will be two hours and ninety-eight minutes en route to Detroit." :D

Midway
 

Chicago honoring its "windy city" name, we had a particularly rough landing with strong cross winds at Midway on Southwest. Many passengers holding on to their seats with white knuckles. After we tumble onto the runway, the pilot come's on only says: "We're here". Much needed relief!

I was on on a Delta flight out of ASE. After a rough departure the captain came on and said "well ladies and gentlemen after your free massage we will continue with the regularly scheduled flight".

On a USAirways Express Beechcraft many years ago, after the copilot gave the safety brief, (no F/As on this A/C) he said todays meal is whatever you have with you.

The twice daily UA SkyWest SFO service was the only commercial activity for PMD, a quiet military airfield (a flight test center, not an AFB).

As we started taxiing from the LAWA-owned passenger terminal, the captain said, among other announcements, "We are number one for take off."

I almost wanted to say to anyone around me: "This guy must be from San Francisco."

On Halloween this year, after landing, purser announces "We hope you liked Mr. XXXXX's Halloween costume. He almost looked like a real flight attendant."

a variation on a theme, but after a 5 hour delay we got "We're all very frustrated at the long delay and i promise Captain Dan will fly it like he stole it, and land it like he loves it..."

pretty interesting collection here.

On UA:

"Due to the unexpected arrival of our departure time, we are now experiencing an on-time delay."

:D That had to cause a few head scratches.

CDG two years ago.

Straight after a very rough landing, the one where the plane smashes the ground with a big bang, the purser announces:

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you might have noticed, we've have landed at Paris CDG airport".

Spoken in such a way that the word "might" was emphasized. I very much enjoyed that humor.