Getting read to travel with my 3 1/2 year old, who is typically a great flyer. Right now she is going through a phase (please let it be a phase) where I hear a lot of NO and I don't have to. We are working on this but often the end result is tears and yelling (so far just her). I am wondering what travelers with young kids do when confined to an aircraft and behavior issues come up. I try to be consistent but am inclined to give in to her demands, within reason, in order to keep the peace. Any one else ever faced with this dilemma? How do you usually react. I don't really anticipate any problems with her as she mostly acts up when she is tired and that shouldn't be a problem this time, but was mostly curious about other flying parents.

When my two children were small, we found the secret to traveling was 1) pack some activities (crayons, books), and 2) snacks- lots of snacks. I found they loved the novelty of airline travel. The biggest battles came over sitting in the seat with the seatbelt fastened. They REALLY hated to be tied down. We let them get up when they could and tried to reason with them when the seatbelt sign was on. It was during this period I discovered that an airsickness bag makes a great hand puppet.

This may sound overly simplistic, but with my own 4-year old I have found that, starting a week or so before the trip, frequent reminders to her that many people have to share the space on the plane and as such it is not the place for yelling, screaming, kicking (insert your offensive behavior of choice) goes a long way in setting her up for success. In our case this seems to have the effect of diffusing the parent-child dynamic and instead making it more about how her behavior may upset the other pax - it becomes less of a power play between parent and child.

This is advice in addition to the typical - lots of food, toys, books, etc.

Our four children are older now - 15, 14, 11 and 8 - but when they were younger, we tried to work on behavior and social skills at home. In an airplane, (and all public places), I agree with what you said about keeping the peace, and I wouldn't feel guilty about being inconsistent. Traveling is usually an exiting time for everyone, and I just tried to make it fun (stuffing backpacks full of stuff that's already been suggested) - knowing that there would be plenty of opportunities to sort through the attitudes in private.

I used to go to the dollar store and load up on "activity" toys. Twisty clay straws, activity books, leggo type blocks, snacks (including candy). I had a special bag (also a dollar store find) that I kept these in. From age 2 on my children knew the rule "they had to sit nicely until the seat belt sign went off" when it did they got their bag. When the seat belt sign went back on the items had to be put away until the return flight. These were airplane only toys and there were always new things added each trip. The kids flew 50,000 miles a year with us and I honestly never had problems with behavior on a plane. The problem now is that after so many years they still look forward to the "seat belt bags". They are 21 and 18 and I hate to admit that I still make them up. Unfortunately, I can no longer go to the dollar store. I now have to get new hand held games, DVD's, magazines, etc. Funny as it may be, they don't open them until the seat belt sign goes off.

and iPods, and digital cameras...

That's great! I'm doing that from now on.

Thanks for all your input. I have found that I tend to overpack the entertainment and that usually as long as I am paying attention to her (reading, talking, whatever) she is good. I am also fortunate that she is somewhat obsessive about buckles being buckled whether it is carseat or shopping cart. I like the idea of the seat belt bag. What a great idea.

I'm mostly worried about kicking and the tray table going up and down. Last year a simple no would stop the behavior. This year I think it may take some distractions like toys or food to get her to redirect her energies.

You are correct about needing to be engaged in the activities. It's not enough to just buy a bag of toys. I have very fond memories of my husband making clay "food" with our youngest on a trip to Tokyo. It will seem very tedious during the flight, but you will never regret having fun with your child on a plane. It is something your kids will remember.

The 21 year old now gets a couple of drink coupons and some beer nuts.

With kids, sometimes offering choices will diffuse a situation. Would you like to do ___ or ___ seems to work better than just DO THIS. I definitely would agree with lots of engaging toys like Play Doh and simple games. I remember a particularly long trip when my son was three and he was obsessed with the Disney version of Robin Hood on tape. By the time we got there, the expression for excitement for everyone was "Oooh da LAH lee!"

I definitely understand that you might be tempted to give in just to make things easier. I've done that myself when my kids acted up in a place that wasn't conducive to normal discipline (Church, an important dinner or occasion, etc.).

Forewarned is forearmed. Your best bet will be to be prepared so that if you see that she is getting antsy, you can whip out something new to distract her. My daughter loved "Look and Find" books when she was a preschooler. They are very similar to the "Where's Waldo" books but can be found in kid friendly themes like Disney and Sesame Street characters. They require a good bit of concentration by the child so they can really be a lifesaver to make the time go by fast. You can work together and it's a very quiet activity. One book could keep a child occupied for well over a half hour.

My daughter also liked the magnetized dress up dolls. They come in a tin and I usually could only find them in airport gift shops. They were self-contained and easy to carry and kept her busy and quiet.

I'm always surprised to see Play-Doh and clay suggested. I know what a mess they make at home and I can only imagine what the seat areas would look like after a kid finishes playing with them on an aircraft. But maybe my kids were messier than most?

Books on tape are a great idea and we always used them on long car rides with great success as well.

Some of the Fruit Roll Ups snacks (Betty Crocker) come in shapes, games and patterns that might keep a child busy for a little while. Then she can eat them....(more of a distraction).

Whatever you bring, don't introduce it before the flight. New things hold attention much better.

And her phase is just your daughter asserting her independence. It's really a good thing. She's trying to be a 'big girl' and it can seem annoying to the parent, but it's the only way her little brain knows to get what she wants or to show you that she feels old enough to make a decision. It will end soon, and then start up again when she hits 13.

3.5yo is a good age to start understanding about rules and acceptable behaviours. Start early brainwashing, er, teaching about why she needs to keep the seatbelt on ("It's like in a car. So that you don't bump or get hurt), why she shouldn't bump the seat ahead ("It's very very uncomfortable, and the lady ahead of you may hurt her back"--a bit of exaggeration won't hurt. Show her how it feels if someone behind HER kicks HER seat.)

We aim for the "lose a battle and win the war" strategy. I don't really consider this as bribing, but let my kids have a small say (choice of snacks, toys, lights on/off, shoes on/off) but remain firm on the big issue.

In case of our kids, boredom, tiredness, hunger tend to trigger hard-to-control situation, so we try to pre-empt them. It definitely helps to have an individual screen (though my kids find it frustrating to keep the headphone on sometimes), give her an idea how long the flight is, take her around for "an adventure walk" to the back of the plane (another reason to request an aisle seat for the accompanying adult, in addition to the loo visits).

Try to keep YOUR travel-related stress low. Kids have amazing way of picking up on parents tension and magnifying it. Also, just as a social grace, we offer apologies (sometimes in advance.... or in anticipation?) to other passengers around, but 80% of fellow passengers tend to be quite understanding/amused by the kids.

On an airplane is not the time for Mommy & Daddy to "take a stand". Its just not fair to the other passengers. We took dd on a 36 hour flight to (and back from) Vietnam when she was 2 1/2. She certainly acted up some, but it was mostly crying out of being tired (i.e., she would cry/wimper/whine a little bit when she woke up unexpectedly in an unexpected place) - not a lot that can be done about that except to comfort her and hope it ends quickly.

I wouldn't have considered being confrontational with her over her behavior while on the flight. Basically, I'd do whatever was necessary in the immediate short-term to improve the behavior rather than exasperate it. There's plenty of time for that when I'm not on the plane.

Also at 3 1/2 she's clearly old enough to be "prepared" ahead of time with regard to the behavior expectations and how they might be different from other situations she's more accustomed to. Also try to consider the things that might be confusing and frustrating to her and prepare her for those situations. For example, we have to turn the DVD player off when the pilot says we have to. There is no choice and no option. Don't pitch a fit when we turn it off. We can watch the end of the movie when we get to the hotel... things like that.

She might be old enough to get the speech about "this is very special that we're letting you go on an airplane. We probably should wait until you're older, but we're going to give you a chance now so we can go and do this fun thing with our family (although if its in MKE, that "fun" promise might be an exaggeration ). But, if you show us that you can't behave, then the next time we go on a trip it will just be Mommy & Me, you'll have to stay with Aunt Mary and won't get to have fun."

On the contrary, an aircraft is exactly the time to "take a stand" - out of fairness to other passengers. "Do not kick that seat!" is one stand that every parent should take, along with "Use a quiet voice" and "Now is the time to stay in our seats with our seatbelts on." Of course, having the authority to enforce such rules needs to begin months before the flight, especially with a 3.5 yr old. My son knew "the Mom voice" meant time to obey right now long before the age of 3.

I don't consider disciplining my child to be "being confrontational" in any circumstances. I consider it to be my job to teach him a standard of behavior in all circumstances that makes him a pleasant person to be around.

Last night we got home at 11 p.m. from a less than pleasant trip (PHL to SJC on DL - bleeh) and when we reached SJC, several pax who had been on both our flights came up and complimented me on my son - telling me he was polite, interesting and resourceful (at 8 yrs old he retrieved all 3 suitcases from the carousel and was brought them to me, as I waited in the wheelchair for my husband, who was late). He knows how to behave correctly now because he's always been expected to behave that way.

Good preparation (snacks, books, toys) go a long way toward having a cooperative child on the flight, but so does consistent enforcement of family standards.