After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Very VERY VERY VERY old, this one, and has been used around the world (as well as several times on this QF forum).

IFF stands for Interrogation Friend or Foe, and is used by missile targetting systems to determine whether the target is a friend or an enemy.

The last time I looked, QF aircraft did not have missile deployment systems.

Dave

Dave

It is old. but I haven't seen it in a long time and it made me smile.

Hope it brings smiles to others.

Mike

Although it would make flights a lot more interesting if they did

Yes, but if you wanted a smile, a search would have found it from one of the other times someone has posted it

Dave

You've been on that AA 767 again!

This is true, but QF aircraft still need to respond to IFF interrogations. Air traffic control assigns a mode 3/A code to all aircraft under their control for identification purposes, and civilian aircraft also support mode C (altitude) reporting. The remaining modes are only for military use.

Air Crash Investigation has featured a couple of cases that included confusion over IFF responses (Iran Air 655 being the most significant).

Steve