I flew DCA-BNA over the last couple of days. It was a voluntary trip, because one of my former troops was retiring and he asked me to help officiate at his ceremony -- truly honored to do that!

Now, on to the report --

At DCA, I proceed through the checkpoint. Following some good advice, I brought a couple of Safeway bags for my feet, since the FSD at DCA is too cheap to invest in those booties.

I brought a light rain jacket, which I obediently removed and placed in a bin. I get through unscathed and I notice a female screener start handling my coat with her bare hands. Conversation follows:

Me: "Excuse me, I require you to wear fresh gloves when you handle my stuff."

Her: "It's OK, I'm just handling the outside of your jacket.

Me (This time firmly but professionally): "Excuse me, did I not communicate clearly? Is there something I said you don't understand?"

Her: "Come with me." We proceed to the ETD table and I watch her take a new pair of gloves from a box. After fondling my coat, she removed the offending item: a terrorist thumb drive.

Her: "OK, that's it -- one of those computer things. You're OK."

Me (as she is walking away): "Thank you. I feel much safer now."

Her: "What did you say?"

I repeat my line about feeling safer.

Her: "Why thank you, sir!"

She thought I was serious!!! I immediately went in search of a wall I could beat my head against.

OK -- boarding time (an ERJ -- 20 people max). A posse of three gate rapers show up. One of the women is dangling a couple of pairs of gloves from her ample waistband. I'm thinking we're REALLY going to have some fun with gloves this time if I'm singled out. I decided to try this approach: I'm just getting over a bad near-pneumonia infection and am in the stage of coughing like a chain smoker. As I approached the posse at the gate, I started coughing on demand. Nobody touched me.

Boy -- I feel safer!