Meeting With Herbert
May 6, 2004 | 12:09 pm
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Meeting With Herbert
While trying to kill some time today while waiting for my flight out of Tel Aviv, I wandered through the city and was very surprised to see my old friend, Herbert, sitting at a cafe.
The last time I saw Herbert was in high school, where he had failed the written examinations for gym class.
"What are you up to these days?" I asked him.
"I'm deputy director of the TSA for Plans and Intelligence," he told me proudly.
"I didn't know the TSA had Intelligence," I said.
"We don't," Herbert replied. "We do, however, have contingency plans to get some if we ever think we need it."
"But what are you doing here in Israel?" I asked him.
"I came to help El Al improve its security," Herbert told me.
"I thought El Al was supposed to have the best security in the world," I said in surprise.
"That's a bunch of crap," Herbert told me. "People just think that's the case because no El Al plane has ever been hijacked. That doesn't prove that they have good security. It only shows that Israel has no problem with terrorism.
"But I found some major flaws in their operations," he continued. "For example, when I went to Ben Gurion Airport I noticed that they were allowing foreigners on their planes without giving them extra screening."
"How do you know they were foreigners?" I asked him.
"It was obvious," Herbert replied smugly. "Most of them couldn't even speak English. I'm not sure what language they were talking, but it sounded a lot like those prayers people say in synagogues."
"I'm sure El Al was grateful for you help," I assured him, "but can you tell me anything about your plans for American airports?"
"We noticed a big problem at many terminals," Herbert conceded. "Loads of people are gathered around our checkposts while we make them take off their shoes and search them for pointy objects. This is very dangerous. Imagine what would happen if a terrorist exploded a bomb there!"
"What are you going to do about it?" I asked him.
"We've decided to set up screening areas that people will have to go through in order to be allowed into our screening areas," he said.
"But won't that just move the problem someplace else?" I wondered.
"Maybe," Herbert said, "but it's only a stopgap measure. "Eventually we will have a TSA man at every travel agent. Nobody will be allowed to enter unless he can show that he is a ticketed passenger."
"But how are people going be able to get tickets if they can't go to their travel agents without one?" I wondered.
"They won't be," Herbert replied. "That's the beauty of it. If nobody gets tickets, nobody will be able to get on airplanes. What better security can there be than that?"
"Are you really sure this is necessary?" I asked doubtfully.
"Of course!" Herbert exploded. "Don't you understand that international terrorists are trying to destroy our aviation industry? We can't let them succeed -- so the TSA will just have to beat them to it!"
The last time I saw Herbert was in high school, where he had failed the written examinations for gym class.
"What are you up to these days?" I asked him.
"I'm deputy director of the TSA for Plans and Intelligence," he told me proudly.
"I didn't know the TSA had Intelligence," I said.
"We don't," Herbert replied. "We do, however, have contingency plans to get some if we ever think we need it."
"But what are you doing here in Israel?" I asked him.
"I came to help El Al improve its security," Herbert told me.
"I thought El Al was supposed to have the best security in the world," I said in surprise.
"That's a bunch of crap," Herbert told me. "People just think that's the case because no El Al plane has ever been hijacked. That doesn't prove that they have good security. It only shows that Israel has no problem with terrorism.
"But I found some major flaws in their operations," he continued. "For example, when I went to Ben Gurion Airport I noticed that they were allowing foreigners on their planes without giving them extra screening."
"How do you know they were foreigners?" I asked him.
"It was obvious," Herbert replied smugly. "Most of them couldn't even speak English. I'm not sure what language they were talking, but it sounded a lot like those prayers people say in synagogues."
"I'm sure El Al was grateful for you help," I assured him, "but can you tell me anything about your plans for American airports?"
"We noticed a big problem at many terminals," Herbert conceded. "Loads of people are gathered around our checkposts while we make them take off their shoes and search them for pointy objects. This is very dangerous. Imagine what would happen if a terrorist exploded a bomb there!"
"What are you going to do about it?" I asked him.
"We've decided to set up screening areas that people will have to go through in order to be allowed into our screening areas," he said.
"But won't that just move the problem someplace else?" I wondered.
"Maybe," Herbert said, "but it's only a stopgap measure. "Eventually we will have a TSA man at every travel agent. Nobody will be allowed to enter unless he can show that he is a ticketed passenger."
"But how are people going be able to get tickets if they can't go to their travel agents without one?" I wondered.
"They won't be," Herbert replied. "That's the beauty of it. If nobody gets tickets, nobody will be able to get on airplanes. What better security can there be than that?"
"Are you really sure this is necessary?" I asked doubtfully.
"Of course!" Herbert exploded. "Don't you understand that international terrorists are trying to destroy our aviation industry? We can't let them succeed -- so the TSA will just have to beat them to it!"
Last edited by Dovster; May 6, 2004 at 6:48 pm
