MapleLeaf

Feel free to come for a visit

maple

robb

great post, CDF.

I agree totally. Others seem to suggest that there are 2 choices: monogamous and relationship-oriented or "open relationship".

First of all, the phrase "open relationship" makes me think of gold chains and shirts open down to the navel on hairy chests. Secondly, like CDF, we have a few well-defined rules that are fairly rarely invoked. We would consider ourselves only one notch below 100% monogamous if Kinsey had a monogamous scale (maybe they do!), and after 8 years together, we're pretty clearly relationship-oriented.

IndyDavid

Don't talk about me like I'm not here!


David

chazas

Thanks for the great post, CDF.

I agree, it's all about talking openly and honestly and coming to an agreement you can both honor.

It never ceases to amaze me that even other gay men often can't understand that even though my partner and I are not 100% sexually monogamous, we are emotionally monogamous and there are agreed-upon rules as to any extra-curricular sexual play. We may not be Ozzie and Harriet, but we're not total s*l*u*t*s either.

I don't expect others to intuit the details of our relationship boundaries, but I do expect them to respect those boundaries when told about them. Suprisingly few do.

[Edited to get around the stupid censorship program]


[This message has been edited by chazas (edited 08-13-2002).]

jeffo

Thanks for all the responses to my original post. It was good to read what everyone had to say and how they look upon things in a different or even same light. I appreciate it!

LAX Gambit

hubba hubba

Doppy

I'm going to be "negotiating" one of these "deals" when my bf goes off to grad school next month.

I was wondering if some of you who have a more open relationship might want to share some of the rules of the game? Also, do you tell new people that you meet about your situation, or just let the new encounter play out on its own?

Thanks

d

ILuvParis

I don't think it matters what rules you have, Doppy, so much as matters whether you have sat down, talked and agreed on what they are. Propose what you would like and see what the reaction is. If he demands a monogamous relationship and you can't live with that, I think you need to examine whether you want to continue in the relationship. Otherwise, you are both in for a world of hurt. If you "cheat," you'll feel guilty and resent him for having to sneak around. If he finds out, he'll be devastated.

From my own perspective, I think it is much easier if all parties remember where most men's brains are a good deal of the time and take that into account. Again, IMHO, sex and love are not synonymous.

robb

You both have to think out what worries you about the arrangement and make rules to protect yourselves against those sorts of things.

You might have rules that protect against emotional bonds forming outside the relationship (never the same person twice, no one you know, no phone numbers), rules that limit which activities can be performed (safer sex only, no x, y, or z), and/or rules that serve to protect the integrity of your relationship (only when 1 is out of town, never in your shared bed). A big one is often "always tell" or "never tell", and that's one you'll have to figure out.

The rules are just there to protect your shared values. That's why you have to talk about them. You both love each other and the rules are a way to force both of you to talk about your feelings (not exactly guy stuff!). Once you clearly know each others feelings, it isn't the rules that are important but the fact that you know what your partner needs and you'll naturally honor them.