2012 Program Information out...for KMs (humor)
Oct 25, 2011, 7:21 pm
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: TPA
Programs: United - PG, Marriott Silver
Posts: 1,625
2012 Program Information out...for KMs (humor)
Dear Mr. HouseRulz77:
Congratulations on earning Kryptonium Medallion (KM) status for 2012. As a card-carrying KM you are now officially a “bad as*” among the “best in class.” In addition to the award winning benefits we offer our lesser Medallions, your status entitles you to seven amazing and exclusive KM benefits. Our calculations indicate that the retail value of these benefits is over 2 Million SkyMiles (or $23.75 US). So make sure you are sitting down, preferably in one of our faux-luxurious Sky Clubs, because we are about to blow you away.
Gift Diamond Medallion (DM) – You knew we would start with the mundane, and you were right. Pick any SkyMiles member you like, and gift them DM status. While DMs don’t even sniff the perks you have come to expect, your “friend” will enjoy 365 days worth of misguided feelings of entitlement. S/he will be treated to periodic upgrades, complimentary admission to our most over-crowded Sky Clubs, and a dedicated customer service line to handle all of the (shhh don’t tell) intentional mishaps we throw at our most invaluable valueless customers!
Double the Low-Level Award Availability – Have you ever talked to your colleagues who are nearly as loyal, yet less respected SkyMiles members? If you have, we are sure they have lamented the near impossibility of redeeming those hard earned SkyPesos for low-level award seats. Well don’t fret KMs, we have made available to you twice the amount of low-level redemptions. If you think this is too good to be true, we have the numbers to prove it. For our non-KM members, there are currently 0 low-level awards from anywhere to anywhere at any time in the future. But for our awesome KM members, there are twice as many awards available. Do the math folks, it’s a Super deal!!!
SWU Booster – While we are discussing non-KM members complaining about our elite benefits, we would be remiss if we did not discuss SWUs. Sure these certificates are sometimes difficult to redeem, especially if you have a complicated routing which requires you to have both a departure point and an arrival point. In recognition of this, we offer our KMs four (4) SWU Booster Certificates. These certificates allow you to boost the fare class of your paid Delta ticket to meet the minimum criteria for using an SWU. This way, you don’t have to drastically overpay for an Economy fare, just so you can have a chance to use one of your SWUs. For example, you can boost your Q fare domestic ticket to an H class ticket, or you can boost your B fare international ticket to a Y fare international ticket. Please note you must have purchased at least a K fare domestic (M fare international) to use these super SWU Booster Certificates. There must also be Z class availability, which is often not available in advance of departure.
Sky Club Premium Drink Pass – As a valued KM, you will continue to enjoy free admission to our wonderful Sky Clubs, as well as the ability to partake in the free, hangover-inducing libations provided at every location. Additionally, you will receive two (2) Premium Drink passes which entitle you to one of our Vern Shroyer certified top shelf cocktails. Each of these uber-exclusive cocktails will be mixed by one of our award winning mixologists, and will include a souvenir cocktail napkin which details the recipe for an excellent drink (sold separately) inspired by celebrity booze guru Rande Gerber. Drink up KMs, you earned it!
Super-Duper-Duper Priority Boarding – As our best customers, you deserve to get to your seat first and maximize the time you spend sitting in our spacious first class seats. In recognition for your loyalty, we offer KMs Super-Duper-Duper Priority Boarding. Whenever you show up to your scheduled departure gate (subject to change, especially in Atlanta, especially on weekdays, and especially during daylight hours), simply show your boarding pass to the gate agent (subject to availability) and you can wisk down the jetway (subject to aircraft type) and board (subject to aircraft being available) at your leisure. If you arrive a little too early, our awesome rampers (Silver Medallions may be substituted without notice) will help you to pass the time by lining up on the tarmac while you use the jetway controls to play your own private game of Pac-Man. Around the holidays we will even supply you with a stack of pink gate-check tags so that you can design and hang your own yule tide collage on the walls of the jetway. No matter the activity, you can be assured that once your plane shows up, you will be the first to get on (excludes non-status members with broad shoulders and sense of entitlement)!
Sheena Pass: Bump a DM – As a valued KM you are all but guaranteed (excludes Barbie Jets) a complimentary upgrade to first class. However, we understand that sometimes you will want to take advantage of our award-winning Same Day Confirmed program. In these cases the first class cabin might already be full, but don’t worry super-traveler, there is always room for you. If you find yourself with an economy seat assignment before boarding, simply notify one of our friendly gate agents. S/he will immediately line up all of the DMs (lesser Medallions substituted when required) like cattle at a meat packing plant. You will then get to choose which of these poor schleps you would like to bump from the upgrade they didn’t truly deserve. As an added bonus, we will conceal the identity of your selection until the boarding process is complete. Then you will be permitted to walk on board and send that wanna-be elite traveler on the walk of shame back to economy. We will even play a song of your choosing (Hit the Road Jack is our favorite!) as they make their way to the middle seat we have reserved for them. Of course by this point the overhead bins will be full, but don’t fret. You can stow your belongings in the space vacated when we gate check your selected DM’s roll-aboard.
Award Re-deposit Announcements – As a KM, you will continue to be encouraged to redeposit the miles spent on award tickets any time you like. You can even board, then get off the plane and let the gate agent know you changed your mind. But the truth is, this privilege is simply no big deal. So to make this option more exciting, we are allowing each KM to set up an announcement for their award re-deposits. Once your mode of communication is set up, each time you re-deposit miles, we will send an automatic text message which says “I’m a KM and I just redeposit my miles so late that no one has a chance to use the now vacant seat. How does that taste suckers!!” You will have the option to have these messages scroll across the Delta website, or send them via Facebook or Twitter (Please note we cannot post messages on FlyerTalk as this is not a primary source of communication).
Well we hope you are as excited to use all these great benefits as we are to give them to you. We hope you have a great 2012, and remind you to keep climbing…..all the way to Krypton!!!!
Sincerely,
BogusRogus
Kryptonium Medallion Director
Congratulations on earning Kryptonium Medallion (KM) status for 2012. As a card-carrying KM you are now officially a “bad as*” among the “best in class.” In addition to the award winning benefits we offer our lesser Medallions, your status entitles you to seven amazing and exclusive KM benefits. Our calculations indicate that the retail value of these benefits is over 2 Million SkyMiles (or $23.75 US). So make sure you are sitting down, preferably in one of our faux-luxurious Sky Clubs, because we are about to blow you away.
Gift Diamond Medallion (DM) – You knew we would start with the mundane, and you were right. Pick any SkyMiles member you like, and gift them DM status. While DMs don’t even sniff the perks you have come to expect, your “friend” will enjoy 365 days worth of misguided feelings of entitlement. S/he will be treated to periodic upgrades, complimentary admission to our most over-crowded Sky Clubs, and a dedicated customer service line to handle all of the (shhh don’t tell) intentional mishaps we throw at our most invaluable valueless customers!
Double the Low-Level Award Availability – Have you ever talked to your colleagues who are nearly as loyal, yet less respected SkyMiles members? If you have, we are sure they have lamented the near impossibility of redeeming those hard earned SkyPesos for low-level award seats. Well don’t fret KMs, we have made available to you twice the amount of low-level redemptions. If you think this is too good to be true, we have the numbers to prove it. For our non-KM members, there are currently 0 low-level awards from anywhere to anywhere at any time in the future. But for our awesome KM members, there are twice as many awards available. Do the math folks, it’s a Super deal!!!
SWU Booster – While we are discussing non-KM members complaining about our elite benefits, we would be remiss if we did not discuss SWUs. Sure these certificates are sometimes difficult to redeem, especially if you have a complicated routing which requires you to have both a departure point and an arrival point. In recognition of this, we offer our KMs four (4) SWU Booster Certificates. These certificates allow you to boost the fare class of your paid Delta ticket to meet the minimum criteria for using an SWU. This way, you don’t have to drastically overpay for an Economy fare, just so you can have a chance to use one of your SWUs. For example, you can boost your Q fare domestic ticket to an H class ticket, or you can boost your B fare international ticket to a Y fare international ticket. Please note you must have purchased at least a K fare domestic (M fare international) to use these super SWU Booster Certificates. There must also be Z class availability, which is often not available in advance of departure.
Sky Club Premium Drink Pass – As a valued KM, you will continue to enjoy free admission to our wonderful Sky Clubs, as well as the ability to partake in the free, hangover-inducing libations provided at every location. Additionally, you will receive two (2) Premium Drink passes which entitle you to one of our Vern Shroyer certified top shelf cocktails. Each of these uber-exclusive cocktails will be mixed by one of our award winning mixologists, and will include a souvenir cocktail napkin which details the recipe for an excellent drink (sold separately) inspired by celebrity booze guru Rande Gerber. Drink up KMs, you earned it!
Super-Duper-Duper Priority Boarding – As our best customers, you deserve to get to your seat first and maximize the time you spend sitting in our spacious first class seats. In recognition for your loyalty, we offer KMs Super-Duper-Duper Priority Boarding. Whenever you show up to your scheduled departure gate (subject to change, especially in Atlanta, especially on weekdays, and especially during daylight hours), simply show your boarding pass to the gate agent (subject to availability) and you can wisk down the jetway (subject to aircraft type) and board (subject to aircraft being available) at your leisure. If you arrive a little too early, our awesome rampers (Silver Medallions may be substituted without notice) will help you to pass the time by lining up on the tarmac while you use the jetway controls to play your own private game of Pac-Man. Around the holidays we will even supply you with a stack of pink gate-check tags so that you can design and hang your own yule tide collage on the walls of the jetway. No matter the activity, you can be assured that once your plane shows up, you will be the first to get on (excludes non-status members with broad shoulders and sense of entitlement)!
Sheena Pass: Bump a DM – As a valued KM you are all but guaranteed (excludes Barbie Jets) a complimentary upgrade to first class. However, we understand that sometimes you will want to take advantage of our award-winning Same Day Confirmed program. In these cases the first class cabin might already be full, but don’t worry super-traveler, there is always room for you. If you find yourself with an economy seat assignment before boarding, simply notify one of our friendly gate agents. S/he will immediately line up all of the DMs (lesser Medallions substituted when required) like cattle at a meat packing plant. You will then get to choose which of these poor schleps you would like to bump from the upgrade they didn’t truly deserve. As an added bonus, we will conceal the identity of your selection until the boarding process is complete. Then you will be permitted to walk on board and send that wanna-be elite traveler on the walk of shame back to economy. We will even play a song of your choosing (Hit the Road Jack is our favorite!) as they make their way to the middle seat we have reserved for them. Of course by this point the overhead bins will be full, but don’t fret. You can stow your belongings in the space vacated when we gate check your selected DM’s roll-aboard.
Award Re-deposit Announcements – As a KM, you will continue to be encouraged to redeposit the miles spent on award tickets any time you like. You can even board, then get off the plane and let the gate agent know you changed your mind. But the truth is, this privilege is simply no big deal. So to make this option more exciting, we are allowing each KM to set up an announcement for their award re-deposits. Once your mode of communication is set up, each time you re-deposit miles, we will send an automatic text message which says “I’m a KM and I just redeposit my miles so late that no one has a chance to use the now vacant seat. How does that taste suckers!!” You will have the option to have these messages scroll across the Delta website, or send them via Facebook or Twitter (Please note we cannot post messages on FlyerTalk as this is not a primary source of communication).
Well we hope you are as excited to use all these great benefits as we are to give them to you. We hope you have a great 2012, and remind you to keep climbing…..all the way to Krypton!!!!
Sincerely,
BogusRogus
Kryptonium Medallion Director
Oct 25, 2011, 8:27 pm
#5
Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: ATL - DL DM/3MM - HH Lifetime Diamond - Marriott Lifetime Plat
Posts: 3,117
I don't know about you but I regularly have hours alone sitting in a hotel somewhere - why not type up something so creative?
Oct 25, 2011, 8:42 pm
#7
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Planet Earth
Programs: | *G | STE | HGP ♦ | SPG Au | MR Au
Posts: 3,772
why do you only 4 SWU fare boosters when you have 10 (or however many) SWU?
That is like saying I can only give you 1 piece of Sun Chip or half a Biscoff instead of the whole pack!
Outrageous!
That is like saying I can only give you 1 piece of Sun Chip or half a Biscoff instead of the whole pack!
Outrageous!
Oct 25, 2011, 8:50 pm
#8
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: LAX - san fernando valley, CA
Programs: DL PM, Alaska Gold MVP, Expedia Elite Plus, Amex Reserve.
Posts: 1,156
If you are a KM we already know how you bags travel. Your bags are loaded into the plane by the highest FO in the upgrade list and he guards them in the rear galley. When you are a KM your bags never travel in the cargo area.
Oct 25, 2011, 9:21 pm
#10
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: "Baron of Bayside," Long Island, NY
Programs: DL-KRYPTONIUM, DL-PM, HHonors Gold, Priority Club Plat, Club Carlson Silver, Hyatt Plat.
Posts: 564
Oct 25, 2011, 9:49 pm
#11
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NYC
Programs: SPG Plat, Emerald Exec., PC Plat, AA, CO, DL, UBS Charter Card, Palladium Card, Amex Plat
Posts: 1,694
Oct 25, 2011, 10:01 pm
#13
Suspended
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE US
Programs: Duke of Bombay, Delta Ham Sandwich tm, Delta's Glitch
Posts: 4,201
With the cost of hookers these days, sometimes, it is just better to look at the www for a few hours in your hotel bed... plus, you can only expense out so many $400 trips to Waffle House before someone starts asking questions...
Oct 25, 2011, 10:35 pm
#14
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: "Baron of Bayside," Long Island, NY
Programs: DL-KRYPTONIUM, DL-PM, HHonors Gold, Priority Club Plat, Club Carlson Silver, Hyatt Plat.
Posts: 564