Memo to: Gordon Bethune
May 21, 2003 | 2:45 pm
#1
Original Poster
Suspended
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 11
Memo to: Gordon Bethune
Memo to: Gordon Bethune
From: AvekOO
Subj: Raising Revenue
Date: May 21, 2003
Gordo, it was a pleasure playing golf with you at Congressional yesterday. Whenever you're back in the D.C. area, I'll be happy to hack around the course with you again. I hope you enjoyed cruising down Wisconsin Avenue in my Geo Metro convertible, it's a cool car, yes? What a chick magnet! I promise not to tell anybody about you buying me those beers at the 19th hole, but you know I really appreciated it.
Now, about that nagging little problem of the $221 million loss in the last quarter, let me first say that, as a well-known airline executive of the year, philanthropist, and all-around nice guy, you're not in the slightest way responsible. In fact, I think most of the red ink is the responsibility of the accountants. You see, the accountants have obviously been bribed by those jealous people at American, Delta, and United who have neither the public respect nor the number of executive-of-the-year awards that you do.
However, even if we consider that there may be some utility to raising additional revenue from our passengers, I have assembled my crack team of industry insiders to come up with ideas. As you know, I am in daily contact with people in the highest reaches of the industry, except, of course, for those nincompoops at Delta, United, and American.
Based upon their small input and my own unparalleled judgment, skill, and experience in airline economics, I would like make the following recommendations:
1) Make the passengers push back CO planes from the gate. Who needs those pesky tractors driven by over-paid drivers? Yearly revenue: $15 million in savings.
2) Charge each passenger a supplemental cabin oxygen charge per ticket of $1. Oxygen is not specified in our tariff. We should charge passengers for it. Yearly revenue: $24 million, set off by wrongful death lawsuit expenses of $4 million, bringing the yearly revenue enhancement to a net $20 million.
3) Luggage charge of $10 per bag. In a conference with my good friend Norman Mineta, he mentioned that the Department of Transportation does not regulate charges for baggage delivery. Since we are so successful of late, we have been attracting customers from other airlines such as National and Vanguard. Many of these passengers are of a low stripe, and they are actually checking baggage with us, expecting us to deliver it to them at the gate without charge. We should charge $10 per bag for the service of delivering the bags from the plane to the baggage claim aire. Annual revenue: $80 million.
4) Most promisingly, I learned from Mr. Jones, my third period teacher who teaches my chemistry class, that it is possible to reprocess human waste into clean-burning jet fuel. All we need to is install reprocessing equipment aboard each of our airliners, and we can fly without refueling, based solely upon the waste products generated by our passengers. Of course, to do this we may need to start giving complimentary water to the passengers to generate waste flow, but this is a decision that needs to be made above my pay grade. Better yet, my good friend Congressman Schefnagel from New York has volunteered to write into the next federal appropriations bill a subsidy of $450 million to allow us to retrofit our airliners with the latest in reprocessing technology. Savings: $450 million in government subsidy revenue, Revenue: a whopping $1 billion per year in savings for jet fuel that we will no longer have to buy!
Total yearly savings/revenue for 2004: $1,565,000,000!
As you can see, my implementation of my ideas, we can come to so dominate the aviation industry, that we would be able to put all those miserable other airlines out of business. That is, all of them except for JetBlue and Southwest.
I continue to value our friendship.
Warmly,
AvekOO
P.S. Will you please have your daughter let me know if she wants to go with me to the Spring Sock Hop? I've called her seven or eight times, but she doesn't answer or doesn't return my messages. Thanx, dewd!
------------------
Thank you for flying Continental Airlines, a proud member of the SkyTeam Alliance.
From: AvekOO
Subj: Raising Revenue
Date: May 21, 2003
Gordo, it was a pleasure playing golf with you at Congressional yesterday. Whenever you're back in the D.C. area, I'll be happy to hack around the course with you again. I hope you enjoyed cruising down Wisconsin Avenue in my Geo Metro convertible, it's a cool car, yes? What a chick magnet! I promise not to tell anybody about you buying me those beers at the 19th hole, but you know I really appreciated it.
Now, about that nagging little problem of the $221 million loss in the last quarter, let me first say that, as a well-known airline executive of the year, philanthropist, and all-around nice guy, you're not in the slightest way responsible. In fact, I think most of the red ink is the responsibility of the accountants. You see, the accountants have obviously been bribed by those jealous people at American, Delta, and United who have neither the public respect nor the number of executive-of-the-year awards that you do.
However, even if we consider that there may be some utility to raising additional revenue from our passengers, I have assembled my crack team of industry insiders to come up with ideas. As you know, I am in daily contact with people in the highest reaches of the industry, except, of course, for those nincompoops at Delta, United, and American.
Based upon their small input and my own unparalleled judgment, skill, and experience in airline economics, I would like make the following recommendations:
1) Make the passengers push back CO planes from the gate. Who needs those pesky tractors driven by over-paid drivers? Yearly revenue: $15 million in savings.
2) Charge each passenger a supplemental cabin oxygen charge per ticket of $1. Oxygen is not specified in our tariff. We should charge passengers for it. Yearly revenue: $24 million, set off by wrongful death lawsuit expenses of $4 million, bringing the yearly revenue enhancement to a net $20 million.
3) Luggage charge of $10 per bag. In a conference with my good friend Norman Mineta, he mentioned that the Department of Transportation does not regulate charges for baggage delivery. Since we are so successful of late, we have been attracting customers from other airlines such as National and Vanguard. Many of these passengers are of a low stripe, and they are actually checking baggage with us, expecting us to deliver it to them at the gate without charge. We should charge $10 per bag for the service of delivering the bags from the plane to the baggage claim aire. Annual revenue: $80 million.
4) Most promisingly, I learned from Mr. Jones, my third period teacher who teaches my chemistry class, that it is possible to reprocess human waste into clean-burning jet fuel. All we need to is install reprocessing equipment aboard each of our airliners, and we can fly without refueling, based solely upon the waste products generated by our passengers. Of course, to do this we may need to start giving complimentary water to the passengers to generate waste flow, but this is a decision that needs to be made above my pay grade. Better yet, my good friend Congressman Schefnagel from New York has volunteered to write into the next federal appropriations bill a subsidy of $450 million to allow us to retrofit our airliners with the latest in reprocessing technology. Savings: $450 million in government subsidy revenue, Revenue: a whopping $1 billion per year in savings for jet fuel that we will no longer have to buy!
Total yearly savings/revenue for 2004: $1,565,000,000!
As you can see, my implementation of my ideas, we can come to so dominate the aviation industry, that we would be able to put all those miserable other airlines out of business. That is, all of them except for JetBlue and Southwest.
I continue to value our friendship.
Warmly,
AvekOO
P.S. Will you please have your daughter let me know if she wants to go with me to the Spring Sock Hop? I've called her seven or eight times, but she doesn't answer or doesn't return my messages. Thanx, dewd!
------------------
Thank you for flying Continental Airlines, a proud member of the SkyTeam Alliance.
May 21, 2003 | 3:17 pm
#2
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Southwest Desert, under a rock, watch out! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<" You can get there, but it's gonna cost you!
Programs: Previously NonePass, now UA 1K (*Enhanced*)
Posts: 4,248
Avek 
May 21, 2003 | 3:35 pm
#3
Moderator: Midwest, Las Vegas & Dining Buzz
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 18,093
I just wet my pants laughing so hard.
Thanks.
Thanks.
May 21, 2003 | 3:48 pm
#4
Join Date: Aug 2002
Posts: 2,245
I am sure there are many people in the United forum that would love the sarcasm posted here......
May 21, 2003 | 4:42 pm
#5
Moderator: Midwest, Las Vegas & Dining Buzz
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 18,093
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by cab747:
I am sure there are many people in the United forum that would love the sarcasm posted here......</font>
I am sure there are many people in the United forum that would love the sarcasm posted here......</font>
May 21, 2003 | 5:03 pm
#6
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: NY
Posts: 7,582
Hate to call the kettle black, or somethin', but iluv2fly, you've only posted Avek00 related stuff on the CO board - according to the search, in four threads.
I assume you do this to "retaliate" for how you perceive Avek "trolls" on the board you participate on. It is as unappreciated here as it is on your preferred board.
I assume you do this to "retaliate" for how you perceive Avek "trolls" on the board you participate on. It is as unappreciated here as it is on your preferred board.
May 21, 2003 | 5:31 pm
#7
Moderator: Midwest, Las Vegas & Dining Buzz
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Chicago, Illinois
Posts: 18,093
My better judgement tells me that I should ignore your post, but I decided not to listen to that.
Retaliate? I don't stoop to that level.
Only on CO? Hardly.
Stalk someone else, please.
Retaliate? I don't stoop to that level.
Only on CO? Hardly.
Stalk someone else, please.
May 22, 2003 | 7:24 am
#8
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: SEA - DL DM/3MM, *A Gold, SPG Lifetime Plat, some other car and hotel stuff
Posts: 5,648
nevermind.
[This message has been edited by andymo99 (edited 05-22-2003).]
[This message has been edited by andymo99 (edited 05-22-2003).]
May 22, 2003 | 8:15 am
#9
Suspended
Join Date: Apr 1999
Location: Promoted to Chairman of the Most Wonderful Continental Airlines Highly Valuable OnePass Program Security and Ideological Purity Bureau
Posts: 4,129
Randy, would you mind shutting down this thread and at least exposing the imposter, even if no disciplinary action is taken against him/her?
------------------
Thank you for choosing Continental Airlines, a proud member of the SkyTeam Alliance.
------------------
Thank you for choosing Continental Airlines, a proud member of the SkyTeam Alliance.
May 22, 2003 | 10:50 am
#10
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 1,253
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by avek00:
Randy, would you mind shutting down this thread and at least exposing the imposter, even if no disciplinary action is taken against him/her?
</font>
Randy, would you mind shutting down this thread and at least exposing the imposter, even if no disciplinary action is taken against him/her?
</font>
In terms of disciplinary action I propose we publicly cane AvekOO (Or maybe avek00? I can no longer tell them apart, so let's punish both!
) on the Flyertalk community square 
May 22, 2003 | 1:47 pm
#11
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Long Beach, CA
Programs: United GS, HHonors Diamond
Posts: 787
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by AvekOO:
Memo to: Gordon Bethune
From: AvekOO
Subj: Raising Revenue
Date: May 21, 2003
Gordo, it was a pleasure playing golf with you at Congressional yesterday. Whenever you're back in the D.C. area, I'll be happy to hack around the course with you again. I hope you enjoyed cruising down Wisconsin Avenue in my Geo Metro convertible, it's a cool car, yes? What a chick magnet! I promise not to tell anybody about you buying me those beers at the 19th hole, but you know I really appreciated it.
Now, about that nagging little problem of the $221 million loss in the last quarter, let me first say that, as a well-known airline executive of the year, philanthropist, and all-around nice guy, you're not in the slightest way responsible. In fact, I think most of the red ink is the responsibility of the accountants. You see, the accountants have obviously been bribed by those jealous people at American, Delta, and United who have neither the public respect nor the number of executive-of-the-year awards that you do.
However, even if we consider that there may be some utility to raising additional revenue from our passengers, I have assembled my crack team of industry insiders to come up with ideas. As you know, I am in daily contact with people in the highest reaches of the industry, except, of course, for those nincompoops at Delta, United, and American.
Based upon their small input and my own unparalleled judgment, skill, and experience in airline economics, I would like make the following recommendations:
1) Make the passengers push back CO planes from the gate. Who needs those pesky tractors driven by over-paid drivers? Yearly revenue: $15 million in savings.
2) Charge each passenger a supplemental cabin oxygen charge per ticket of $1. Oxygen is not specified in our tariff. We should charge passengers for it. Yearly revenue: $24 million, set off by wrongful death lawsuit expenses of $4 million, bringing the yearly revenue enhancement to a net $20 million.
3) Luggage charge of $10 per bag. In a conference with my good friend Norman Mineta, he mentioned that the Department of Transportation does not regulate charges for baggage delivery. Since we are so successful of late, we have been attracting customers from other airlines such as National and Vanguard. Many of these passengers are of a low stripe, and they are actually checking baggage with us, expecting us to deliver it to them at the gate without charge. We should charge $10 per bag for the service of delivering the bags from the plane to the baggage claim aire. Annual revenue: $80 million.
4) Most promisingly, I learned from Mr. Jones, my third period teacher who teaches my chemistry class, that it is possible to reprocess human waste into clean-burning jet fuel. All we need to is install reprocessing equipment aboard each of our airliners, and we can fly without refueling, based solely upon the waste products generated by our passengers. Of course, to do this we may need to start giving complimentary water to the passengers to generate waste flow, but this is a decision that needs to be made above my pay grade. Better yet, my good friend Congressman Schefnagel from New York has volunteered to write into the next federal appropriations bill a subsidy of $450 million to allow us to retrofit our airliners with the latest in reprocessing technology. Savings: $450 million in government subsidy revenue, Revenue: a whopping $1 billion per year in savings for jet fuel that we will no longer have to buy!
Total yearly savings/revenue for 2004: $1,565,000,000!
As you can see, my implementation of my ideas, we can come to so dominate the aviation industry, that we would be able to put all those miserable other airlines out of business. That is, all of them except for JetBlue and Southwest.
I continue to value our friendship.
Warmly,
AvekOO
P.S. Will you please have your daughter let me know if she wants to go with me to the Spring Sock Hop? I've called her seven or eight times, but she doesn't answer or doesn't return my messages. Thanx, dewd!
</font>
Memo to: Gordon Bethune
From: AvekOO
Subj: Raising Revenue
Date: May 21, 2003
Gordo, it was a pleasure playing golf with you at Congressional yesterday. Whenever you're back in the D.C. area, I'll be happy to hack around the course with you again. I hope you enjoyed cruising down Wisconsin Avenue in my Geo Metro convertible, it's a cool car, yes? What a chick magnet! I promise not to tell anybody about you buying me those beers at the 19th hole, but you know I really appreciated it.
Now, about that nagging little problem of the $221 million loss in the last quarter, let me first say that, as a well-known airline executive of the year, philanthropist, and all-around nice guy, you're not in the slightest way responsible. In fact, I think most of the red ink is the responsibility of the accountants. You see, the accountants have obviously been bribed by those jealous people at American, Delta, and United who have neither the public respect nor the number of executive-of-the-year awards that you do.
However, even if we consider that there may be some utility to raising additional revenue from our passengers, I have assembled my crack team of industry insiders to come up with ideas. As you know, I am in daily contact with people in the highest reaches of the industry, except, of course, for those nincompoops at Delta, United, and American.
Based upon their small input and my own unparalleled judgment, skill, and experience in airline economics, I would like make the following recommendations:
1) Make the passengers push back CO planes from the gate. Who needs those pesky tractors driven by over-paid drivers? Yearly revenue: $15 million in savings.
2) Charge each passenger a supplemental cabin oxygen charge per ticket of $1. Oxygen is not specified in our tariff. We should charge passengers for it. Yearly revenue: $24 million, set off by wrongful death lawsuit expenses of $4 million, bringing the yearly revenue enhancement to a net $20 million.
3) Luggage charge of $10 per bag. In a conference with my good friend Norman Mineta, he mentioned that the Department of Transportation does not regulate charges for baggage delivery. Since we are so successful of late, we have been attracting customers from other airlines such as National and Vanguard. Many of these passengers are of a low stripe, and they are actually checking baggage with us, expecting us to deliver it to them at the gate without charge. We should charge $10 per bag for the service of delivering the bags from the plane to the baggage claim aire. Annual revenue: $80 million.
4) Most promisingly, I learned from Mr. Jones, my third period teacher who teaches my chemistry class, that it is possible to reprocess human waste into clean-burning jet fuel. All we need to is install reprocessing equipment aboard each of our airliners, and we can fly without refueling, based solely upon the waste products generated by our passengers. Of course, to do this we may need to start giving complimentary water to the passengers to generate waste flow, but this is a decision that needs to be made above my pay grade. Better yet, my good friend Congressman Schefnagel from New York has volunteered to write into the next federal appropriations bill a subsidy of $450 million to allow us to retrofit our airliners with the latest in reprocessing technology. Savings: $450 million in government subsidy revenue, Revenue: a whopping $1 billion per year in savings for jet fuel that we will no longer have to buy!
Total yearly savings/revenue for 2004: $1,565,000,000!
As you can see, my implementation of my ideas, we can come to so dominate the aviation industry, that we would be able to put all those miserable other airlines out of business. That is, all of them except for JetBlue and Southwest.
I continue to value our friendship.
Warmly,
AvekOO
P.S. Will you please have your daughter let me know if she wants to go with me to the Spring Sock Hop? I've called her seven or eight times, but she doesn't answer or doesn't return my messages. Thanx, dewd!
</font>
May 22, 2003 | 2:00 pm
#12
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: TPA & MCO
Programs: DL Diamond, AA EXP & UA Gold
Posts: 3,051
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by tann1001:
Somebody has waaaayyyyy too much time on their hands.
</font>
Somebody has waaaayyyyy too much time on their hands.
</font>
[This message has been edited by Babu (edited 05-22-2003).]