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Listening to the airlines' annoucements, and trying to pretend to ourselves that the language they're using is really English. Doesn't seem like it to me. The whole thing begins when you get to the gate: "We'd like to begin the boarding process." The extra word, "process," not necessary. Boarding is enough. "We'd like to begin the boarding." Simple. Tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. "Boarding process." Sounds important. It isn't. It's just a bunch of pepole getting on an airplane.

As part of this boarding process, they say "We would like to pre-board." What does it mean, to get on before you get on?

As part of this boarding, they say: "We would like to preboard those passengers travelling with small children." Well what about those passengers travelling with large children? Suppose you have a two-year old with a pituitary disorder. A 6-foot infant with an oversized head. The kind of kid you see on the National Enquirer all the time. Actually, with a kid like that, I think you're better off checking him right in with your luggage at the curb.

About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane... I say f*&k you, I'm getting in the plane! Let Evil Kinevel get on the plane, I'll be in here with you folks in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here....

They might tell you you're on a nonstop flight. Well, I don't think I care for that. No, I insist that my flight stop. Preferably, at an airport. It's those sudden, unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day.

They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a "change of equipment" -- a broken plane.

...telling me to put my seat back forward. Well I don't bend that way. If I could put my seat back forward, I'd be in porno movies.

...especially on the "Flight Deck". Which is the latest euphamism for Cockpit. Can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like "cockpit", can you? Especially with all those Stewardesses going in and out of it all the time...

There's a word that's changed over time. First it was "Hostess", then it was "Stewardess", now it's Flight Attendant". Know what I call 'em? "The lady on the plane." ...Sometimes they actually refer to these peole as "uniformed crew members." Uniformed. As opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the "F*&k You" hat.

As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, they begin the safety lecture. This is my favorite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially where they teach us how to use the seatbelt. Here we are, a plane full of grown human beings, many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle. "Place the small metal flap into the buckle." Well I ask for clarification at that point.... Seatbelt: hi-tech sh*&t.

The next thing they do is tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit. Well I do this immediately. I locate my nearest exit and I plan my route. It's not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there's a really big, fat f*&k sitting right in front of you. Well you know you'll never get over him. I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarfs, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can't move too well -- the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you'll get out of the plane a lot godd*&ned quicker, believe me. I say "Let's see, I'll go around the fat f&*k, step on the widow's head, push those children out of the way, knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others."
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