Relax.











This trip report is finished.

As in from start to end.
As in soup to nuts.
As in by the time you’ll be reading this, I will be back on Terra Firma. Inna US.

So, you could pour yourselves the beverage of your choosing, sit back, take a load off and pretend your children like you.

This might take a while.

As there are 10 posts in total.

And I will post 2 per day. Unless the Senior Mods moderate this into oblivion. Or make me sit on the naughty step for a week. Which is quite possible.

So let’s go then…

Actually, I don’t even think I’ve ever made a bucket list. Have you?

I mean, I have a list which includes Margot Robbie, Jessica Biel, a Jacuzzi full of green jello, 3 straws and a slightly inebriated Mariachi Band but that’s probably not a bucket list. That belongs somewhere else. Like a therapists office…

Anyway.

In my delusion of flying all things UA for the past 28 years, I completely forgot about all the other airlines I have sampled.

And besides, the food in Polaris is starting to affect my health.

The hair in my nose and in my ears has accelerated rapidly in terms of growth rate while the hair on my head is receding rapidly. I blame it on the meat flavoring UA put in one of their entrees which they have affectionately referred to as “beef brisket”

Let’s just make one thing clear.

It’s not beef. And it most certainly isn’t brisket.

But I digress…

I still have a soft spot for QF.

Even though a vertically challenged lunatic nearly drove one of Australias most well known brands into the ground.

Over the past couple of years, I’ve managed to squeeze in 4 or 5 Alaska awards for QF Business from LAX and DFW to MEL. For a paltry 55K miles. And a few pennies in taxes.

There’s something about the Flying Kangaroo that most Aussies can relate to. I can’t explain it really. Just something about having fresh eggs and Vegemite toast 2hrs out of Melbourne. You know, real food.

Aussies also consider it a national pastime to beat up on Qantas. It’s part of our psyche.

And let's be honest, they deserve it.

I still have a soft spot for EK.

Even though I haven’t set foot on one of their birds in at least 10-years. And the people who run EK aren’t vertically challenged. They’re just. Well. Lunatics. Rich ones.

And I will always have a soft spot for SQ. As a brand, it just reeks quality.

Any airline that serves satay at 30,000 feet is alright by me.

Did I forget to mention that both EK and SQ have some seriously good wine lists. Qantas wine list is “meh” but only because of that annoying leprechaun who used to run the joint deciding that all of QF’s premium wines should be served from a box.

Right then.

I will explain how we got here, even if you don’t want to listen.

Pay attention children as I am only going to say this once.

Late February (as in a few weeks ago), I had to go to Paris for work.

I then needed to be in Oz. As in down under.

In my quest to get out and to stop smelling UA’s tulip, I flew from DEN to ORD on UA, then jumped on an AF airbus to Paris.

I don’t want to admit this out loud, but I seriously have a thing for Air France.

It gives me a warm sensation down the left leg. And at my age, I’m grateful for any type of affection.

Their Business Class is wonderful. We were on a brand new A350-900 and the new seats with the closing doors. Par excellence!

And I am definitely going to make sure I have one body part left to sell in order to try La Premiere. At least once.

Just. Looks. Fantastic.

So the trip from Paris to Melbourne went like this.

CDG-EWR-LAX-MEL

All on Air Kirby. As in beam me up Scotty.

I’d burned miles from ORD-CDG using Flying Blue.

Just as an aside, has anyone ever wondered why one day the Flying Blue website will show you a very reasonable 55,000 mile award from the US to Europe, and then the next day, it’s like 700,000. As in seriously. I’m not kidding. Go check for yourself. I’ll wait right here.

See, I told you.

It’s like the Air France and KLM teams all got together (lets be honest, they didn’t invite the hapless DL people because they actually wanted to have a good time) and got completely drunk on a barrel of Bordeaux and ate way too much Gouda and decided that instead of having a consistent award chart, they would use the same terminology as Tesla and call their dynamic awarding pricing “La Ludicrous”.

Or belachelijk in Dutch.

The pricing is up and down like a brides nightie.

Anyway.

So Paris was easy. I’ll tell you what I did there later.

Going from Paris to Melbourne on 3 separate UA flights, well, apart from a couple of near organ failures, it was also easy. Sort of.

Actually the flight from Charles De Gaulle to Noo-werk was dead empty. As in a quarter full.

The pilot came on shortly after we pushed back…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, because of the extremely light load today we need to ask you to all stay in your seats due to the weight and balance issues. Don’t even break wind. And if you do - make sure its one of those quiet little sneaky ones…”

I’m thinking is he serious.

So in Polaris, there were 15 out of 34.

In Premium Plus there were 3.

As in 1, 2, 3.

And in coach? God knows. Let’s be honest, I’ve never been invited down the back and wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to get there.

The 767 screamed its way across the Atlantic from Paris to Newark. Because it was as light as a feather, the thing took off quicker than a Harrier jump jet and when we landed, I think the pilots made a bet to see how quickly they could veer off into a taxiway. They stopped the old bird on a dime.

The next part was rather more exotic. Even by my standards.

Unlike those mildly annoying bloggers who spruik credit cards for a living and who can spend countless hours wandering up and down the digital aisles of award redemption websites, I would rather have a cystoscopy (they are very unpleasant trust me) than spend time figuring out the best way to use miles.

And unlike them, I actually have to work for a living.

The aim was to get back home to DEN. From MEL. I wasn’t too fussed which way if I’m honest.

So, instead of just booking UA all the way home in a one stop, done and dusted, Bobs Your Uncle, She’ll Be Right Mate move, I decided to “explore” other options.

I had positioned to New Zealand a couple of times last year in order to clear a Polaris upgrade and then I discovered that UA’s pricing for Polaris straight out was extremely reasonable ex NZ. So I thought let me see what’s going on.

Back in the days when I was literally on an EK superjumbo every week, they had a great Trans Tasman route in MEL-AKL and then onto DXB and they would fly an A380, so on a quick 3hr flight, you could have a shower and drink copious amounts of Dom for no more than a decent night out. With 6 friends.

Focus now. You get the idea.

What I really wanted to do was try SQ Suites.

But they didn’t fly an SQ superjumbo to Melbourne. Not as far as I could see anyway. And nothing via SYD that was affordable or more importantly, available with Krisflyer miles. And most definitely not via BNE.

An EK superjumbo got diverted to Brisbane a few years ago and it wasn’t on the ground for more than 10 minutes before the local riff raff from the pub near the airport all jumped in their Suzuki Mighty Boys and went and tried to steal the wheels off the thing.

Ok I might have made that part up.

But the bit about the Yobbo’s and their Suzukis is practically true.

I poked and prodded around the SQ website and all I could find was a 777 service from MEL-SIN and then onwards to LAX, via NRT.

An F award was going to be 188,000 miles one way. And a handful of dollars for the taxes. Quite reasonable if you ask me.

When I said I found an award, I meant I found a date which would let me “waitlist” an award. SQ are a little sadistic when it comes to their Krisflyer program. They know they have a cracker of a product but they really think the whole concept of loyalty is slightly distasteful.

So they let you “think” you might have a shot at using the miles in your Krisflyer account but in all reality, you have about as much chance as I do in getting a date with Alice Eve. Or her mother.

Trust me. I know. I’ve actually met the people who run SQs loyalty program and they not only had their personality bypasses when they were young (and in bulk) they also had that part of the brain which gives you a sense of humor well and truly removed.

Yep, throw that bit away as well they said.

Just for laughs then, when I got bored at looking at the word “waitlist” on my Manage My Bookings page, I decided to see what the cost of flying F was from AKL to SIN. At this stage, I wasn’t even aware that SQ flew to AKL.

Bloody Hell.

Bollocks in fact.

Did you know that these maddeningly annoying Singaporeans fly Airbus’ biggest aircraft from AKL to SIN. Direct. And the damn thing has Suites.

I was outraged.

In a state of fury, I glanced across the columns on the quirky SQ website and saw that the price of the Suites ticket was something like $5 or $6K New Zealand pesos.

Which is about $300 in American money.

Ok, I might be exaggerating but it was a whole lot of moolah cheaper than a Polaris ticket from MEL to DEN.

So in an act of rage, I went ahead and pressed the “book now” button. And then went looking for the cat so I could boot it across the kitchen floor.

Just kidding. (No animals have ever been harmed in the making of one of my trip reports).

Can you believe that?

No, not the cat part. The Singapore Girl part.

I mean seriously. I was steaming.

Why do those fools at SQ send their flagship aircraft to New Zealand. And Auckland of all places. I mean, AKL only has a population of around 13. And 11 of them are related.

As an aside, did you know Aussies and Kiwis can live in each other’s country without a Visa.

You can wake up one morning in Phuckapappa.

Whoops.

Phukapuppa.

Damn. That’s not it.

Hang on.

Oh, it’s actually Whakapapa. Who knew…

Anyway, you can wake up there, look at your toothless wife and 17 kids and say “Lets move to Sydney”

And some plonker from the Aussie government will let you walk right in and set up camp beside the Harbour Bridge.

Similarly, one of the few sober Aussies left in Ballarat could also wake up, look at her also toothless husband (caused by the melee in the pub the night before) and 5 kids from 3 different people and yell out “Lets all move to Rotaroota”

Damn. That’s not right either.

It’s rota something.

Wait, it’s on the tip of my tongue.

Eureka!

Rotorura.

So, that all seems pretty logical then.

Aussies and Kiwis can live in each other’s country. They can buy land and marry each other’s husbands and wives. They can even reproduce with each other without being arrested. Apparently, the Kiwis even make a decent wine.

But answer me this.

Why then, must there be a separate currency? And a separate government. And separate banks. And a separate phone company.

And a separate airline (who can’t seem to work out that business class seats should be able to convert into a bed without requiring an engineering degree or a team of 3 people, a cordless drill and a tube of personal lubricant called “Glide and Glow”).

There’s even a thing called an ANZUS treaty. Or was. Which sounds all very official and important and something that the late Queen might have dreamt up with while chasing after one of her corgis with the royal poop-a-scooper.

But wait until you hear this.

Would you believe NZ has its own defense force?

Apparently they used to have a navy. Maybe they still do. But it only has one ship. And it isn’t very big. In fact, it was a converted fishing trawler with a black and white piratey looking flag with a picture of a heavy set Maori on it with the words “Dont Phukkapappa With Us”

And that's the way they spelt it. Or spelled. Take your pick.

Don’t even start me as far as their army and air force goes. The whole New Zealand defense force is one quarter the size of the US Coast Guard.

Look I don’t want to annoy any Kiwi out there. Not really. Ok well just a little bit.

Let’s put it another way.

I live in Colorado. It has roughly the same population as New Zealand. Sort of. Give or take a couple hundred thousand. Close enough. You get the idea.

So, picture this.

Jared Polis, our well dressed Governor, calls up the White House…

“Can I speak with Joe?”
“Who is this?”
“It’s me, Jared from Colorado”
“Speak up man, I haven’t got my hearing aids in…”
“Joe its me, Jared”
“Hey, we’ve just finished doing some macrame and hot nude yoga at my mansion in Denver and we’ve decided that we want our own army, navy and air force. Is that ok?”

Deafening silence…

“Joe are you there…did you hear me?”
“Did you fall asleep?”

Can you imagine.

Tree hugging hippies from Boulder would be driving their Priuses with a turret mounted 50 cal on the hood. Every Whole Foods in the state would be turned into an Army surplus store. The people from Pueblo would be deliriously happy because they would finally get to blow something up.

Look you get the point.

The Kiwi government should simply put a for sale by owner sign in the front yard and let the Aussies write them a check. Or cheque in the Kings English.

Things would be so much simpler.

Now that I have managed to piss off every New Zealander out there, let’s move on shall we.

Otherwise we’ll never get finished.

Where were we?

Oh yes.

Suites. As in Singapore ones.

Well, first things first. I had to position to AKL so I went online to Air New Zealand, and worked out how to book a one way flight. Not wanting to sample Air NZ’s economy product, I thought I would show fiscal restraint and went and booked Premium Economy. They wanted drug money for J.

The strange website started to have a meltdown and asked me repeatedly if I wanted to bid for an upgrade. Apparently I was on a 777, and it had that wonky business class seat that you needed to be a cast member of Cirque De Soleil to operate.

This revenue management parlor trick is called a “One Up”.

You simply move a slider thingy and tell the overly sensitive Kiwis what you want to bid for their J seat. And you then hurry up and wait. Just like the army. Or in this case, the 3 man strong New Zealand Navy.

I’m not sure “who’s up who” with this One Up concept, but the damn thing didn’t work and the silly NZ website refused to assign me a seat, despite my best efforts. I don’t think Air NZ’s J product is actually worth paying for across the ditch, so I thought I would suck it up. It’s only 3 hours. What’s the worst that can happen right?

And I wanted to prepare myself for my first ever Suites experience.

I could have booked a same day flight - but the connection time was anorexic (only an hour) and the Kiwis, not to be outdone by those nutters at Heathrow, have made their international transit process about as friendly and easy to use as a North Korean tourist guide.

You have to hoof it all the way back to the main terminal, see the sorriest and loneliest looking security people, get cavity searched and then hoof it all the way back from where you came. You’re literally looking for a defibrillator by the time you have run all around the airport.

I thought it best to fly in the day before to allow me to recover from my Air New Zealand premium whatever and decided to stay at some crumby hotel called the Park Hyatt.

You know I’m kidding. The Park Hyatt is a seriously good pub.

I figured if I went in the day before, I would be able to get a good nights sleep, and be fresh as a daisy for my 10hr suites adventure.

Or so I thought.

Getting into AKL is pretty easy. Apart from the fact that every time I do it, I am convinced the driver is taking us through his uncles back yard. It’s definitely not main roads or highways. And I don’t think the Kiwis have built large freeways yet. I think they’re still paying off the fishing trawler that their Navy needed.

Because SQ don’t have a lounge in AKL you are relegated to sit with the minions in the Air New Zealand canteen. Not bad if you enjoy Sav Blanc that tastes like it got filtered through the dishwasher.

The next part I was hesitating about.

You see, part 2 of this bucket list ordeal meant catching EK’s First product from Asia to DXB and then onwards to any US port. I wasn’t fussed.

I knew that SIN wouldn’t be an economical option. So I played around with HKG. And KUL. And NRT. Even went as wide as CMB (which I used to do in the old days with my crazy buddy [MENTION=236554]ung1[/MENTION])

Then I discovered CGK.

Holy cow. In fact, Holy Satay with a side of Hummus.

The EK website whirred away and all of a sudden it showed me an itinerary which went Jakarta to Dubai to Houston. All in F, one being a 777 and the other a pregnant porpoise. And a nice respectful transit time in DXB of 4 plus something hours. Very civilized if you ask me.

I looked at the price of the ticket. It was about eleventy billion Indonesian rupees. Not wanting to offend the good people at EK, I went ahead and booked that too.

It worked about to be $400 of Uncle Sam’s bills.

Well close enough.

But being serious for a minute, the cost of the SQ ticket combined with the cost of the EK ticket was literally no more than what you can pay for a reasonably priced Polaris ticket one way from Australia to the US.

And this was all in F. In arguably some of the best product in the sky.

Yes, yes, I know

I haven’t forgotten about the getting to Jakarta bit. Just wait. Be patient. You’re all as bad as my 20 year old daughter.

Continuing on in my fiscal responsibility mode, I decided I would try and fly between SIN and CGK as modestly as possible.

So I fired up Google Flights and saw things like Air Asia, Batik Air, Lion Air, something called Citilink and then something called a Scoot. All looked equally as dreadful. Out of curiosity I clicked on the Scoot link.

Within minutes you are presented with a very cheesy website, but it does tell you “we are run by adults” who also happen to work for Singapore Airlines.

So I booked them.

The whole thing looked like this, just in case you had lost the will to live or fell asleep to another episode of Jeopardy.

- MEL-AKL (NZ) Premium Economy

- AKL-SIN (SQ) Suites

- SIN-CGK (Scoot) No idea what their airline code is. Maybe they lost it.

- CGK-DXB (EK) First

- DXB-IAH (EK) First

- IAH-DEN (UA) First

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, my dear and gentle reader, you’re about to find out.

Here we go then…