I can handle not wearing my Alden shoes because of the steel shank, the nonsense of debagging my laptop, the long lines at security, and yes, even the occasional gate grope, provided the groper asks for my permission before groping me, but I cannot handle removing my shoes for no enhanced safety whatsoever, to the detriment of my hygiene imaginary or real. I draw the line here.

So I offer the beginning of what I hope will become ways of dealing with the madness engulfing us currently, and reassure myself, this too shall pass.

1) I will always travel with my plastic shoehorn in my pocket. At checkpoints requiring me to remove my shoes before passing through the metal detector, I will decline, point out that my shoes have less than a one-inch heel if they do, and walk through anyway, accepting secondary screening and arriving at the airport with ample time for this charade. After sitting in the screening area and removing my shoes, I will remain with my feet in the air and decline to assume the position to be searched until my shoes are screened and returned to me. Thank you so much to Spiff for this last, essential element.

2) Realizing that TSA is perfect in its imperfection, I will presume that this disobedience will eventually be deemed a security risk. I will therefore begin stockpiling shower caps from hotel rooms at every chance, so when the time of our insanity intensifies, I will be prepared. From that time onward, I will pack four shower caps with me when I travel. In my office or home before leaving for the airport, I will remove my shoes, place one shower cap over each of my stocking feet, and replace my shoes. At the checkpoint I will then remove my shoes when absolutely required to do so. Retrieving my shoes, I will sit in the screening area, remove my shower caps, and replace my shoes, all without ever allowing my stocking feet to touch the floor. I will repeat this procedure on the way home.

3) I will always require a TSA screener to wear a fresh pair of gloves before search my luggage, and before searching my person if contact with the screener shall be required. I shall inform the screener that I do not grant permission to him to place the hand-held metal detector directly on my person, and shall request a TSA supervisor whenever this request is not followed.

4) Finally, in keeping with Penn’s brilliant strategy, I will always file a complaint for assault whenever a screener pats me down without first obtaining my permission. See the following link for Penn’s heartfelt, funny story:
http://pennandteller.com/sincity/pen...ederalvip.html