Ha! Words to live by.

I don't have much in the way of suggestions for cheese replacements--because you're right, none of them melt properly.

However, things I've run across for dessert that you might enjoy:

• Soy ice cream--Trader Joe's, if you're near one, has a decent selection. Some are better than others. A decent vanilla is often easy to find, to which you can add a topping that works for you. (Puréed fruit?)
• "Tofutti Cuties"--these are ice cream sandwiches made with tofu. Surprisingly good. The cookie parts are particularly nice.
• Tofu cheesecake--I've never had this, but vegetarian friends have made it and said it's amazing. Look for recipes if you're into that.
• Vegan cakes--I am not now, never have been, and probably never will be vegan. However, vegan cakes are often terrific. i unwittingly purchased a vegan cupcake with some of the thickest, tastiest chocolate frosting I've ever had. I spent several years wondering what on earth they could have used for frosting as butter, sour cream, and cream cheese were obviously out. I have since learned that the secret may be avocado. Go figure.
• Pie--I discovered a while ago that I've been unwittingly making vegan fruit pies for years. Go figure! You make the crust with a neutral vegetable oil instead of butter or Crisco. It makes a nice light, flaky crust and is much easier than cutting flour into butter!

Note also that vegan cookies generally taste like compressed sawdust. Avoid!