Elite Frequent Flyer Porn - Does it exist???
Recently, I’ve been reading globetrotting chef Anthony Bourdain’s book “Medium Raw” in preparation for my upcoming trip to the world capital of gastronomy (Paris)… I guess sort of as an appetizer to whet my mind prior to whetting my taste buds and tongue with France’s arte de cuisine.
Just before slipping into bed last night I sat and read Chapter 8 entitled “Lust” in which (don’t call him Chef) Bourdain makes gratuitous use of sexual metaphors to describe the various international delicacies he has tried through the years; and his verdict that the guilty global gustatory pleasures he has experienced can be summed up as follows, “It’s porn. Albeit food and travel porn.”
Reading about all of this food and travel got me to thinking about last year’s TopFlyer competition on FlyerTalk with all of its photos and videos and pondering the question, “Is there such a thing as elite Frequent Flyer Porn?”
Now those of you who followed along with TopFlyer in 2011 will easily recognize what I’m talking about here… sumptuous photos of three tiered appetizers served on bone china plates in Lufthansa’s First Class, frilly Skirt Steaks in United’s Business Class, delicate dabs of Foie Gras with squirts of Truffle oil in Air France’s La Premiere Classe, and luscious Tiramisu on Virgin Atlantic’s Upper Class; all of this in addition to the numerous pictures of all those lie-flat seat beds both shown both pre and post sleeping… Sooooo Sexy! Of particular interest to me were the morning after photos posted by First Class travelers showing rumpled sheets with mystery stains, casually tossed Givenchy pajamas (Morrissey if you fly Qantas) and a half-full glasses of OJ which would prompt any ordinary person to ask themselves, “what the bleep just happened there?” Quite frankly it’s all just a little too sexy for me.
Anyways, I’ll probably never know what goes on in Biz and FC because I’ve always been in the ghetto (or is it pronounced get-toe? There must be some subtle difference I have yet to be made aware of) at the back of the bus. In all honesty, I’ve flown to a lot of places around the world but have yet to attain elite status with any one single airline. The end result is that my economy class tickets have yet to score me any upgrades, which in turn guarantees that there will be no angelic looking FC flight attendants to button my jammies, straighten my sheets or fluff my pillows before tucking me in for the night. You know… Sweet dreams, a see you in the morning smile and a light peck on the forehead leaving a tiny trace of Upper Class Red lipstick as a keepsake of the interlude. No sireee, my pillows are usually either the pull down window shade which inevitably leaves a Boeing logo embossed on my cheek or the sweaty (but remarkably soft) shoulder of the sumo-sized guy who inevitably sits next to me.
And what about my lie-flat bed and pajamas? Oh heck no! I’ll just stay casual in street clothes and recline my seat if I want to try sleeping over the roar of the jet engine right outside my window. That is of course unless some jackass behind me decides to pop a pair of those As Seen On TV no-recline wedges into my seat's hinges. (Hey man, I paid good money to recline that seat! How about I come on back one row, pull out those nifty little wedges you bought for $19.95 + free shipping and give you a wedgie with them? Huh buddy? Huh!) Okay, what about my morning after glass of OJ? Are you kidding? I haven’t gotten jack squat after waking up in the morning in Economy Class on any airline anywhere in the world. But all of that FC spanky-hanky-panky I just outlined is going on up in the air which means I haven’t the slightest idea what happens in those First Class Arrivals Lounges down here on the ground… must be a freakin’ slap and ticklefest orgy between golds and plats going on in there 24/7/365.
But I fear that I’ve digressed from my original question about the possibility that elite flyers have created something akin to what can only be called “Frequent Flyer Porn” involving photos and videos of FC multicourse meals that even ancient Roman’s couldn’t finish, beds with real sheets and pillows that are probably nicer than what I sleep on at home, and in-flight showers that can easily accommodate two maybe even three persons. I’m sort of envisioning all of this as being a secret club of ultra elite flyers who probably call themselves the “Frequent Flyer Porn Star Alliance”. If you ask me, the sound of all of that excitement is probably enough for your average blasé Economy Class passenger going from Atlanta to Amsterdam to want to get their Elite Frequent Flyer Freak On and quickly.
Anyways, if there is one thing I thank TopFlyer for it’s for opening my eyes to what happens on the other side of that mysterious curtain between cabins. You know… the curtain that separates the plebeians in Economy and even Premium Economy from the privileged few who sit in Business and First Class. The endless photos of the seat-cum-beds, gourmet foods, full length first class closets, and glossy showers taken by elite flyers have opened up a whole new world to me and one which I hope to experience sometime in my life.
Please understand that I’m not jealous of other’s who flown and churned their way to elite status on a single airline, nor that I am totally bereft of any experience with the friendly staff who cater to those at the front of the plane. In fact I do remember having a lovely little interaction with Singapore Girl some years ago while flying out of Changi on SQ16 from Singapore to San Francisco. As I recall, all of the business class passengers on the flight had pre-boarded the 747 using the forward entrance and were settled comfortably with their newspapers and mimosas trying gently to ignore the masses of carry-on toting rubes filing past them to the nether regions of the Boeing mega-top. Having been delayed enroute to the gate, I found myself at the very back of this pack of economy passengers and ultimately being stuck in the rear doorway of the Business Class galley, unable to move forward due to several passengers who were completely stopped in front of me. I couldn’t have been standing there more than 3 seconds before I heard a sweet (dare I say angelic) voice behind me saying, “Excyoooosah Meeeee, Exxxcyoooosah Meeeee.” Seeing as how I was already breathing down the neck of the passenger stopped in front of me and that there was literally nowhere else to move; I decided to turn slightly to the side to allow the lovely sounding person standing behind me to pass by. What happened next occurred extremely swiftly with the practiced kung fu-like grace and precision one normally expects from martial artists like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan. First, two delicately manicured hands appeared on both sides of my peripheral vision as if the beginning of a beautiful embrace accompanied by that sweet lilting voice still behind me saying with a tad more urgency “Exxxxxcyoooosahhh Meeeeeeee” Suddenly while partially embraced by a pair of lovely bare forearms, the two hands which had appeared just a moment before clamped firmly onto the doorframe of the galley and a shapely lower leg and knee appeared from beneath the slit in the blue batik FA uniform (damn sexy, right?) the latter of the two body parts being lifted quickly to my lower back where it rested for a millisecond before shoving me into the passenger standing in front of me in the Economy cabin. The last thing I recall was my face going into the head of the guy in front of me and hearing the swooshing zippppp sound of that mysterious curtain closing behind me. Singapore Girl? You mean the chick with the bony knee? Yeah right… “She’s a Great Way to Fly” NOT!!! Having ascertained that Singapore Airlines had my comfort and safety in mind with that little incident ensured that I would make every effort possible to avoid flying Singapore Airlines in the future. To my credit, I haven’t given SQ any business since!
Luckily I’m going to Europe and need not worry about flying an Asia based airline, having instead chosen to travel on Lufthansa because of their inexpensive summer fare sale in economy class. Now it might seem ironic to many readers that I’ve chosen to fly to the world capital of gourmet food on the national carrier of a country that has been the butt of many a joke regarding their ostensible inability to cook. Indeed, I do expect the food in Lufthansa economy to taste like crap. However, we do live in a world of duality where things are hot and cold, hard and soft, good and bad, etc… and the contrasts between these opposites allow for people to make a greater distinction between opposing items and hence have a greater appreciation for whichever end of the spectrum one prefers to concentrate on. In my case I figure that by flying Lufthansa Economy Class I won’t be treated to the spectacular gourmet food in First Class which would surely jade my taste buds prior to arriving in Paris, thus effectively lessening my appreciation of what the French (without doubt) do best which is cook awesome food. In other words, the contrast of having sucky food prior to good food will help me to appreciate my meals in Paris all the more. Call it a travel strategy if you will.
Well… I’ve rambled on a bit more than I had hoped. I would be very interested to know if anyone else has thoughts on whether there is such a thing as “Frequent Flyer Porn”. In other words, do you believe that there are elite FF's out there who get off (for lack of a better term) on seeing photos and videos of First Class cabins and food?
I’m totally serious in all I’ve written, so I hope the Mods don’t toast this post!
Cheers Mates,
AussieOzzie
P.S. With the help of some friends I was able to make TopFlyer in December 2011. However, like many others I’m still waiting for my Amex gift card. Still waiting...
P.P.S. If any gazillion miler out there would like to gift me with elite status (gold, plat, whatever on any airline - except Singapore) for a year I would be very thankful. Come on, at least give a guy a chance to experience a little Gilt-y pleasure.
P.P.P.S. And the sequel to this trip report can be read here http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/trip-...-straight.html
Last edited by AussieOzzie; Jun 17, 2012 at 9:38 am
Reason: Added P.P.P.S.