Were I johnfpage’s attorney, I’d argue, “Your Honor, self-defense is always justifiable.”

Were I the parole board in the other matter, I’d say, “Sir, your continued transgressions do not bode well for your eventual reintegration into our community. We cannot rehabilitate someone who seems so committed to recidivate. Sadly, not everyone can function in every society.”

Were I the time-out warden, I’d lament, “Put ‘em in the SHU (special housing unit) so he can reflect on his behavior.”