Ranch Flavor

It was not without trepidation that I checked into the Los Angeles Red Carpet club for my 7 p.m. flight to Seattle. I had stopped flying United for a reason and National Airlines, with their nuts and hot towels on 38-minute flights and always-available upgrades, had spoiled me. Still, I got a nice smile and thoroughly professional checkin although she seemed to have difficulty understanding me when I asked if I had the farthest forward aisle seat available on each segment. She printed my gold boarding pass, I grabbed a couple plastic-wrapped packs of Gouda, and I used a free local call to surf with Monkeyboy while I waited. I forget what I used to do to pass time before the Internet. United had replaced most of the disgusting stained yellow upholstery in the Red Carpet Club and in made a huge difference. Hunnybear says if I notice dirt, something must be really dirty.

Around 6:30 the flight showed as on time so I walked over to Terminal 6 and navigated the maze to gate 66. Passengers were still exiting the previous flight but they hadn’t updated the obviously erroneous departure time of my flight so I sighed and waited as I watched the agents yell the names of their best customers to get their butts up to the “podium” for a grudging upgrade. Of course a podium is something you stand on. What those agents had was a counter. Yet I didn’t wish to be bitter so I bit my tongue and refrained from correcting the diction of these unpleasant, overworked LAX airline employees. But couldn’t they say “please”?

We finally did board about 20 minutes late. The Jetway was hooked up to door 1 so I predicted correctly that there would be no preflight drinks because the difficulty. Other than that the service was nice. I eschewed the commercials on video in favor of playing games on Monkeyboy and listening to Soft Sounds on channel four. The two-hour flight went quickly once I had my Bloody Mary. We got a packet of “ranch-flavored snack with almonds” with the drinks. Rather than make up a possibly disgusting story about what “ranch” tasted like I burrowed through the bag and found the two almonds. Yes! Nuts had returned to United.

I got to order first because I was 1K but I couldn’t decide. I told her to just bring me whatever was left over because I was sure some folks in row six wouldn’t get their choice. She thanked me but didn’t bring me a bottle of wine. Dinner was excellent: steak and seafood brochettes with the dessert pre-removed from they tray as I requested accompanied by a glass of Bouchard white wine. This was my first experience with the new no-tablecloth policy. It didn’t really seem to make a hell of a lot of difference and I realized Alaska Airlines had been doing it for years. My seat opponent had the fajitas, which also looked yummy. He pointed out some impressive forest fires below and then whipped out his GPS to identify the location as near Susanville, CA.

We landed on time despite the delay in Los Angeles and my Hunnybear was waiting for me at the gate, arms outstretched, having survived her flight from Lansing on Northwest (a four-hour flight with no video or even audio entertainment). The trams were all being torn up but we found our way to the parking garage and Hertz. My name was on the board for Gold service but in our space we inexplicably found a Ford Escort. I went to the booth and asked if an upgrade was possible and the agent said I already had a nice upgrade to an Escort. “What’s below an Escort?” asked Hunnybear. I asked if Neverlost was possible but he was all sold out, it being a summer weekend in Seattle, so we settled for a nice Ford Focus and headed down the secret freeway to the W.

Valet service was a bit less lethargic than I remembered it and they managed to open my door for me but Hunnybear was too quick for them. We waited a couple minutes in line at the registration desk and got checked in by a very nice man. “Do we have a supercalifragiliciousexpialidocious suite?” I asked. “Oh yes,” he nodded assuringly, writing our room number on a black envelope in silver ink. “You’re on the 22nd floor.” I thanked him and we proceeded to our room, the same type we had last time, a smallish corner room. Two Hershey’s Kisses lay on a silver tray by bedside and there was a nice Platinum amenity of a chocolate-peppermint cookie, a tin of Moravian spice wafers, and a small bottle of San Pellegrino in a black bag. The room was nice but one day I would like to try one of these cool suites with the cool names.

We thought about going down for an Emerald drop but we instead we just melted into the W Signature Bed.


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