You wouldn't let things lie!

I'd forgotten about buffets.

I love the idea of buffets. The range. The choice. The concept. But I become obsessed by being in there first before all the other punters get in and stick their oily fingers in.

Buffets don't work for several reasons.

We recently went on our one and only FT do. A Brit with wife amongst many other ex-colonists. We happened to be there in said city when they were. My inexperience showed. A lot of money for a buffet for two was paid - more than for a really good restaurant meal where people cook it and someone else delivers it with a passable smile, and a proper portion - hot.

Our first error was that we were at the wrong end of the room. I hadn't noticed everyone else strategically position themselves at the buffet end and with the constant slightly agitated and tense nervous glancing towards the buffet.

The"call to buffet" was made and there was a whirlwind and whoosh as the mass ran and descended onto the buffet. Mrs uk1 and I were last in the queue. People passed us staggering back to their tables - their heads obscured by the triumphal mountain of food on their plates. Mrs uk1 and I shared a cold and abandoned chicken wing which we both begged the other to eat. Clearly FT buffets are intended to be a redistribution of wealth.

But this is about those other dirty habits. It's not just the gluttony but about the fingering and the coughing and the sneezing.

I now shudder when I hear the word "buffet" and need regression treatment to work it all out of my system.