Dear Mr. Claus:

Greetings from the Transportation Safety Administration! We are sending you this letter to make sure you have plenty of time to bring yourself into compliance with the latest TSA regulations regarding flight into and out of American airspace.

Remember that all liquids and gels must be properly contained in containers no larger than 3.4 ounces, inside a bag no more than one quart, and not more than one such bag may be carried per passenger. The TSA has decided that Play-Doh and Silly Putty are covered under this regulation, so, those are probably out.

In addition, due to the possibility that explosives may be contained inside electronic devices, the TSA will not allow any Xboxes, PS3s, Wiis, etc., to be carried aboard your sleigh without each one undergoing individual inspection, which may involve complete disassembly (but not, regrettably, reassembly).

Finally, please be advised that neither you nor any accompanying elves will be allowed to enter U.S. airspace before passing through a full-body scanner and/or an "enhanced pat-down." While this may result in several million children not receiving Christmas gifts at all, and some having receipt of said gifts delayed until mid-August of 2011, I'm sure you will agree that it's a small price to pay for security.

We apologize for any inconvenience. Well, OK, actually we don't. But, hey, what are you going to do? We've got you by the short hairs, fat boy, and you know it.

- John P., TSA