Trip report from the newest Soviet Republic
Sep 2, 2011, 2:22 pm
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Apr 2001
Programs: Air Krapistan Poop Points "Scooper Level"
Posts: 248
Trip report from the newest Soviet Republic
Trip report from, the newest Soviet Republic, Krapistan. I was recently sent to Krapistan for business and got a chance to fly Air Krapistan back to London. As you know, Krapistan has vast reserves of oil and gas which has led to a large income gap between the haves and the have not’s. And the haves really like their first class travel.
I got to the check in counter about 2 hours ahead of time as stories of check in issues has me a little worried, but as I was in first this was not an issue. The coach check in line was about 1000 long at this point and the natives were getting a little restless. However as they were behind a thick chain link fence, I felt safe. The first class check in counter is made of Baccarat crystal, and the check in staff have all been finalists in the Miss Krapistan competitions. After I was given my boarding pass which is made from actual gold leaf I went to the lounge.
The lounge has a full bar serving only top shelf liquor as well a Krapistan favorite finger foods such as otter feet and fried beaver. I find that the beaver has a bit too much breading for my tastes, so I passed. There is a massage area which offers several different types of massage. I opted for the prostate. Boarding was due to begin shortly.
All first class passengers (today we were only 4 of 6) lined up to have their assigned litter bearers carry them to the plane. One of the other passengers had a liter bearer that dared glance at him in the eye, so he was immediately shot and replaced by another bearer. Krapistan Air boards its 777 thru the rear so that we can see (and of course laugh) at how the other half lives. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The benches are in a 6x12x6 configuration. The lack of a seat back means that there are no arguments about people reclining to far. After my bearers had dropped me in first I bade them farewell with a wave of my hand.
The first class suite has a queen size bed and an adjacent lounge chair. There is also some floor space for your serf, if you are traveling with one. Once every one in first was settled in, the purser lowered an iron gate to separate our section from coach so the rest of the plane could start boarding. Coach boarding is done according to height, weight and criminal history. Biggest and fastest get to run to the plane first, followed by women and children. After settling in and stowing all small live animals in the overhead bins we were ready for departure. There was a small issue with some of the snake charmers and owners of several chickens in the overhead, but it was solved quickly.
We took off to the west on runway 6 backward r. As we slowly lifted off there were some shrieks from the coach cabin, but the live band in first really drowned them out. It’s a real treat to have a live band for entertainment instead of the typical airline audio. But for those who chose not to listen to the band there are over 8000 channels of audio and video in first. Each seat is equipped with a 72 inch LCD. I was felling a little chilly, so one of the 26 flight attendants brought me a polar bear cub to cuddle with.
As it’s only a 4 hour flight it was time to eat. I chose the chef’s “Endangered species” presentation. To start it was a sushi presentation. A Komodo dragon roll with a soy dressing. This was followed with a 3 Condor egg omelet. The alcohol choices were excellent. I had the sommelier recommend a chardonnay from 1672. That was followed by a bottle of ale found at trappist monastery in 1243. I was stuffed (condor will do that to you) so I passed on the leatherback turtle soup.
After the meal service the captain turned on the cameras in coach so we could start our in flight wagering. I should have known not to bet on coach gladiator fighting, but the wine was getting to me. I stupidly bet on the passenger with the trident and the net. He was speared early in the competition, so I really didn’t have a rooting interest.
Soon we would be landing. The flight attendants went back to coach to re chain the passengers (think Ben Hur). As usual some of them resisted, but once the stun guns came out the trouble makers settled down. After we pulled up to the gate the entire staff came by each passenger and genuflected reminding us how important we are. After 5 minutes of praise I walked out feeling so much better than my fellow man.
I got to the check in counter about 2 hours ahead of time as stories of check in issues has me a little worried, but as I was in first this was not an issue. The coach check in line was about 1000 long at this point and the natives were getting a little restless. However as they were behind a thick chain link fence, I felt safe. The first class check in counter is made of Baccarat crystal, and the check in staff have all been finalists in the Miss Krapistan competitions. After I was given my boarding pass which is made from actual gold leaf I went to the lounge.
The lounge has a full bar serving only top shelf liquor as well a Krapistan favorite finger foods such as otter feet and fried beaver. I find that the beaver has a bit too much breading for my tastes, so I passed. There is a massage area which offers several different types of massage. I opted for the prostate. Boarding was due to begin shortly.
All first class passengers (today we were only 4 of 6) lined up to have their assigned litter bearers carry them to the plane. One of the other passengers had a liter bearer that dared glance at him in the eye, so he was immediately shot and replaced by another bearer. Krapistan Air boards its 777 thru the rear so that we can see (and of course laugh) at how the other half lives. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The benches are in a 6x12x6 configuration. The lack of a seat back means that there are no arguments about people reclining to far. After my bearers had dropped me in first I bade them farewell with a wave of my hand.
The first class suite has a queen size bed and an adjacent lounge chair. There is also some floor space for your serf, if you are traveling with one. Once every one in first was settled in, the purser lowered an iron gate to separate our section from coach so the rest of the plane could start boarding. Coach boarding is done according to height, weight and criminal history. Biggest and fastest get to run to the plane first, followed by women and children. After settling in and stowing all small live animals in the overhead bins we were ready for departure. There was a small issue with some of the snake charmers and owners of several chickens in the overhead, but it was solved quickly.
We took off to the west on runway 6 backward r. As we slowly lifted off there were some shrieks from the coach cabin, but the live band in first really drowned them out. It’s a real treat to have a live band for entertainment instead of the typical airline audio. But for those who chose not to listen to the band there are over 8000 channels of audio and video in first. Each seat is equipped with a 72 inch LCD. I was felling a little chilly, so one of the 26 flight attendants brought me a polar bear cub to cuddle with.
As it’s only a 4 hour flight it was time to eat. I chose the chef’s “Endangered species” presentation. To start it was a sushi presentation. A Komodo dragon roll with a soy dressing. This was followed with a 3 Condor egg omelet. The alcohol choices were excellent. I had the sommelier recommend a chardonnay from 1672. That was followed by a bottle of ale found at trappist monastery in 1243. I was stuffed (condor will do that to you) so I passed on the leatherback turtle soup.
After the meal service the captain turned on the cameras in coach so we could start our in flight wagering. I should have known not to bet on coach gladiator fighting, but the wine was getting to me. I stupidly bet on the passenger with the trident and the net. He was speared early in the competition, so I really didn’t have a rooting interest.
Soon we would be landing. The flight attendants went back to coach to re chain the passengers (think Ben Hur). As usual some of them resisted, but once the stun guns came out the trouble makers settled down. After we pulled up to the gate the entire staff came by each passenger and genuflected reminding us how important we are. After 5 minutes of praise I walked out feeling so much better than my fellow man.
Sep 2, 2011, 3:20 pm
#4
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Oklahoma City, OK,USA
Programs: DL Plat,AA Plat,UA 1Peon,SW(WN) Passing Grade
Posts: 902
From your description, Air Krapistan in First seems, well, tolerable..... maybe for just the few hours.......but, most importantly -- do the miles/points go to SkyTeam or Star Alliance????????
Sep 2, 2011, 3:39 pm
#5
Original Poster
Join Date: Apr 2001
Programs: Air Krapistan Poop Points "Scooper Level"
Posts: 248
As it is a newer airline their points do not transfer. I accumulated enough "Poop Points" for an economy trip. I will take this trip soon and will post a full report with photos. I am at the lowest tier, the scooper level.
Sep 2, 2011, 5:21 pm
#8
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: SEA
Programs: AS MVP 75K, DL Diamond, LH SEN, Hyatt Globalist, Marriott Ambassador
Posts: 2,360
Sep 2, 2011, 6:06 pm
#11
Original Poster
Join Date: Apr 2001
Programs: Air Krapistan Poop Points "Scooper Level"
Posts: 248
A teaser from my next report..............
Air Krapistan Y class
As a fellow flying enthusiast I couldn’t resist getting a chance to try Air Krapistan’s coach service. I had enough points for a free ticket. The Poop Points program is not linked to any other points earning program. As Air Krapistan doesn’t have a website one has to go to the city ticket office to convert points. I had a really hard time finding the office as it is located in the back of a butcher shop. I brought the required 6 pieces of ID along with a medical certificate and a copy of my police report to the counter. A bored employee with several missing teeth and an eye patch helped me. At first he didn’t believe that one could get a free ticket, but I was able to convince him with several pages of printed material from the airline. This helped, but I think the 5 packs of Marlboro’s I gave him helped expedite the process. Though the ticket was free the taxes and fees had to be paid for in either hard currency or chickens. Since I had no chickens handy I opted for dollars. Air Krapistan requires that passengers be present at least 5 hours prior to departure. This seemed a bit extreme, but I soon found out why......
Enjoy
Air Krapistan Y class
As a fellow flying enthusiast I couldn’t resist getting a chance to try Air Krapistan’s coach service. I had enough points for a free ticket. The Poop Points program is not linked to any other points earning program. As Air Krapistan doesn’t have a website one has to go to the city ticket office to convert points. I had a really hard time finding the office as it is located in the back of a butcher shop. I brought the required 6 pieces of ID along with a medical certificate and a copy of my police report to the counter. A bored employee with several missing teeth and an eye patch helped me. At first he didn’t believe that one could get a free ticket, but I was able to convince him with several pages of printed material from the airline. This helped, but I think the 5 packs of Marlboro’s I gave him helped expedite the process. Though the ticket was free the taxes and fees had to be paid for in either hard currency or chickens. Since I had no chickens handy I opted for dollars. Air Krapistan requires that passengers be present at least 5 hours prior to departure. This seemed a bit extreme, but I soon found out why......
Enjoy