Pistole Announces 'Enemas For Enemies' Program
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: May 2003
Location: GEG
Programs: Motel 6 Club Avoir Le Cafard
Posts: 5,027
Pistole Announces 'Enemas For Enemies' Program
Washington (AP) -- Citing the risk that a terrorist could smuggle weapons or explosives internally, Transportation Security Administration Director Joseph S. Pistole today announced a program by which randomly selected airline passengers would undergo what he called an "expanded anal flushing procedure" at selected airports, beginning with CVG.
"We are determined to flush out terrorism, and this new program is intended to address the concerns of those who have pointed out the obvious shortcomings of backscatter X-ray devices," said Pistole.
"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force has been working on this problem for several months, and we are confident we have found a solution," said Pistole, who presented PowerPoint slides describing the program to reporters. "Selectees will find that the procedure is no more onerous than the home enema kits that most of us use every day."
Shares of C.B. Fleet Laboratories, makers of the only TSA-approved "enema solution," were up 3 points in after-hours trading.
"We are determined to flush out terrorism, and this new program is intended to address the concerns of those who have pointed out the obvious shortcomings of backscatter X-ray devices," said Pistole.
"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force has been working on this problem for several months, and we are confident we have found a solution," said Pistole, who presented PowerPoint slides describing the program to reporters. "Selectees will find that the procedure is no more onerous than the home enema kits that most of us use every day."
Shares of C.B. Fleet Laboratories, makers of the only TSA-approved "enema solution," were up 3 points in after-hours trading.
#6
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: SYD (perenially), GVA (not in a long time)
Programs: QF PS, EK-Gold, Security Theatre Critic
Posts: 6,792
#8
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 855
Good news Comrades! Our glorious leader has found a government surplus supply of Dr. Benjamin Rush's Bilious Pills the Lewis and Clark expedition left behind in St. Lewis.
One of Rush's Thunderbolts, and the stoutest citizen will clear his bowels with ease. Better yet, these pills can actually be retrieved and used over and over again!
Don't worry, the manufacturer warranted these miracle pills as completely safe and wondrously effective. Government sponsored studies reveal these are even safer than the TSA's Backscatter X-ray Equipment.
Happy April 1, 2011!
One of Rush's Thunderbolts, and the stoutest citizen will clear his bowels with ease. Better yet, these pills can actually be retrieved and used over and over again!
Don't worry, the manufacturer warranted these miracle pills as completely safe and wondrously effective. Government sponsored studies reveal these are even safer than the TSA's Backscatter X-ray Equipment.
Happy April 1, 2011!
Last edited by ElizabethConley; Apr 1, 2011 at 5:11 am Reason: The yuks just keep coming. I love all history, but it's history's "annals" that really entertain.
#11
Suspended
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,953
Washington (AP) -- Citing the risk that a terrorist could smuggle weapons or explosives internally, Transportation Security Administration Director Joseph S. Pistole today announced a program by which randomly selected airline passengers would undergo what he called an "expanded anal flushing procedure" at selected airports, beginning with CVG.
"We are determined to flush out terrorism, and this new program is intended to address the concerns of those who have pointed out the obvious shortcomings of backscatter X-ray devices," said Pistole.
"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force has been working on this problem for several months, and we are confident we have found a solution," said Pistole, who presented PowerPoint slides describing the program to reporters. "Selectees will find that the procedure is no more onerous than the home enema kits that most of us use every day."
Shares of C.B. Fleet Laboratories, makers of the only TSA-approved "enema solution," were up 3 points in after-hours trading.
"We are determined to flush out terrorism, and this new program is intended to address the concerns of those who have pointed out the obvious shortcomings of backscatter X-ray devices," said Pistole.
"TSA's Anal Retention Task Force has been working on this problem for several months, and we are confident we have found a solution," said Pistole, who presented PowerPoint slides describing the program to reporters. "Selectees will find that the procedure is no more onerous than the home enema kits that most of us use every day."
Shares of C.B. Fleet Laboratories, makers of the only TSA-approved "enema solution," were up 3 points in after-hours trading.
#12
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 81
"If you don't like it, don't fly."
"Anuses are a privilege, not a right."
"You have no guaranteed right to anal privacy."
"I support the security measures. They keep my anus safe."
"Today's threat level is brown."
"Do you want to S%*# today?"
"Anuses are a privilege, not a right."
"You have no guaranteed right to anal privacy."
"I support the security measures. They keep my anus safe."
"Today's threat level is brown."
"Do you want to S%*# today?"
#13
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 642
On a similar note, I found this story.
http://www.aero-news.net/index.cfm?c...6-a8a7d15bc9d1
"...The TSA has already developed an online video instructional program that describes the necessary procedures and steps required under the TSA SPDI (Self-Pat-Down Inspection) program and will shortly require that all pilots view, and sign off as having taken the online course, with a passing grade of 75% or more, before exercising the privileges of their Airman's Certificate..."
http://www.aero-news.net/index.cfm?c...6-a8a7d15bc9d1
"...The TSA has already developed an online video instructional program that describes the necessary procedures and steps required under the TSA SPDI (Self-Pat-Down Inspection) program and will shortly require that all pilots view, and sign off as having taken the online course, with a passing grade of 75% or more, before exercising the privileges of their Airman's Certificate..."
#14
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,051
BTW, "threat level is brown" is hysterical.