Five Segments on Turkmenistan Airlines!
Nov 16, 2006, 7:15 am
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 210
Five Segments on Turkmenistan Airlines!
"Turkmenistan Airlines: Not As Bad As Advertised!"
That's not much of a slogan, but it's the best that can be said of this Central Asian carrier, on which I flew five segments last week. The only collection of online reviews is at www.airlinequality.com, and the marks were generally poor.
Turkmenistan, for those of you who don't keep abreast of obscure Caspian dictatorships, is a former Soviet republic that is 90% desert. The sand caps what is reportedly the world's fourth-largest reserve of natural gas, which is about the only reason anybody would visit. (The Turkmen also weave nice carpets.)
Turkmenistan's claim to fame is the bizarre behavior of its leader, President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov, who granted himself the title "Turkmenbashi the Great." For a taste of his eclectic policies, please note that he has, in a roughly ascending order of lunacy, mandated white marble facing on all new buildings in the capital, outlawed smoking (when he quit), named countless buildings after himself, placed his likeness on all currency, erected gold-plated statues of himself throughout the country, published a series of books which are now the basis of the national curriculum, banned opera and movies as "unturkmen," imposed a new alphabet, renamed the month of April after his mother and ordered the closure of all hospitals outside the capital.
To opiate the masses, the Turkmenbashi heavily subsidizes the economy, and state-owned Turkmenistan Airlines is part of that plan. Water, electricity, salt and other staples are free. Gasoline costs 5 cents a gallon. Domestic airfares cost one to ten dollars for Turkmen and, even with taxes and commissions and foreigner pricing, a one-hour internal flight costs a visitor about $20.
I flew five segments: from Beijing to the capital city of Ashgabat (ASB) and back, a one-way flight from the historic town of Mary (MYP) to Ashgabat, and a round-trip between Ashgabat and the northern town of Dashoguz (TAZ).
All flights were on Boeings, with 757s on the international legs and 717s domestically. The pilots were allegedly Western-trained and looked Russian, but none said a word during my five flights.
The planes weren't bad. The seats were maintained, and the cabins were clean. The same cannot be said of all Turkmen travellers, and avoiding an aromatic seatmate is key to a pleasant flight.
There were other signs that this wasn't the Delta Shuttle. The bulkhead wall at the front of each cabin bore a framed photograph of the Turkmenbashi, so there's no escaping his Brylcreemed mug. The Turkmen passengers paid no heed to any rules about seatbelts or cabin movement. Boarding the plane was all pushing and shoving, and the old ladies had the best moves.
Aside from a flight map on the 757s, there was no in-flight entertainment, although the return to PEK started with two Turkmen grandmothers, wearing their colorful national dress and flashing gold teeth, cursing and almost coming to blows. The food was standard airline grub, and the flight attendants were reasonably diligent, if unenthusiastic, about serving drinks and responding to the call buttons, which the Turkmen pushed without hesitation. There was no in-flight magazine, which would, in any event, have been devoted entirely to articles about You Know Who.
Luggage limits were nonexistent, but, in a country where almost everything has to be imported, I was sympathetic. Those Turkmen who can get out of Dodge return with arm-breaking quantities of Chinese and Western goods. In PEK, some Turkmen boarded the plane with three or four bags; one man sat down with a case of wine. The space on my flight was so oversubscribed that three trucks of baggage were left behind. The stranded bags were to arrive on the next flight with room, tolerable if you're a Turkmen but infuriating if you're a traveller.
The new airport in Ashgabat was modern and minimally functional. Guess who it's named after. The airports in Mary and Dashoguz were Soviet relics where passenger comfort was of no concern whatsoever. For example, there were no bathrooms airside; you had to wait until you boarded. The Turkmenbashi should invest a few petrodollars on upgrades.
Turkmenistan Airlines has no web site. It has no frequent flyer program that I could discern and is not part of any alliance. It serves the major cities in Turkmenistan in the sense that it connects them to Ashgabat. The foreign destinations include London, Moscow, Beijing, Bangkok and Istanbul. Flights through Ashgabat are cheap; flights to Ashgabat are expensive.
Turkmenistan Airlines is cut-rate transportation which isn't so bad if your expectations are low. You might want to snag a boarding pass or other trinket with the company's name. It will make a nice souvenir after the carrier is inevitably renamed Turkmenbashi Airlines.
That's not much of a slogan, but it's the best that can be said of this Central Asian carrier, on which I flew five segments last week. The only collection of online reviews is at www.airlinequality.com, and the marks were generally poor.
Turkmenistan, for those of you who don't keep abreast of obscure Caspian dictatorships, is a former Soviet republic that is 90% desert. The sand caps what is reportedly the world's fourth-largest reserve of natural gas, which is about the only reason anybody would visit. (The Turkmen also weave nice carpets.)
Turkmenistan's claim to fame is the bizarre behavior of its leader, President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov, who granted himself the title "Turkmenbashi the Great." For a taste of his eclectic policies, please note that he has, in a roughly ascending order of lunacy, mandated white marble facing on all new buildings in the capital, outlawed smoking (when he quit), named countless buildings after himself, placed his likeness on all currency, erected gold-plated statues of himself throughout the country, published a series of books which are now the basis of the national curriculum, banned opera and movies as "unturkmen," imposed a new alphabet, renamed the month of April after his mother and ordered the closure of all hospitals outside the capital.
To opiate the masses, the Turkmenbashi heavily subsidizes the economy, and state-owned Turkmenistan Airlines is part of that plan. Water, electricity, salt and other staples are free. Gasoline costs 5 cents a gallon. Domestic airfares cost one to ten dollars for Turkmen and, even with taxes and commissions and foreigner pricing, a one-hour internal flight costs a visitor about $20.
I flew five segments: from Beijing to the capital city of Ashgabat (ASB) and back, a one-way flight from the historic town of Mary (MYP) to Ashgabat, and a round-trip between Ashgabat and the northern town of Dashoguz (TAZ).
All flights were on Boeings, with 757s on the international legs and 717s domestically. The pilots were allegedly Western-trained and looked Russian, but none said a word during my five flights.
The planes weren't bad. The seats were maintained, and the cabins were clean. The same cannot be said of all Turkmen travellers, and avoiding an aromatic seatmate is key to a pleasant flight.
There were other signs that this wasn't the Delta Shuttle. The bulkhead wall at the front of each cabin bore a framed photograph of the Turkmenbashi, so there's no escaping his Brylcreemed mug. The Turkmen passengers paid no heed to any rules about seatbelts or cabin movement. Boarding the plane was all pushing and shoving, and the old ladies had the best moves.
Aside from a flight map on the 757s, there was no in-flight entertainment, although the return to PEK started with two Turkmen grandmothers, wearing their colorful national dress and flashing gold teeth, cursing and almost coming to blows. The food was standard airline grub, and the flight attendants were reasonably diligent, if unenthusiastic, about serving drinks and responding to the call buttons, which the Turkmen pushed without hesitation. There was no in-flight magazine, which would, in any event, have been devoted entirely to articles about You Know Who.
Luggage limits were nonexistent, but, in a country where almost everything has to be imported, I was sympathetic. Those Turkmen who can get out of Dodge return with arm-breaking quantities of Chinese and Western goods. In PEK, some Turkmen boarded the plane with three or four bags; one man sat down with a case of wine. The space on my flight was so oversubscribed that three trucks of baggage were left behind. The stranded bags were to arrive on the next flight with room, tolerable if you're a Turkmen but infuriating if you're a traveller.
The new airport in Ashgabat was modern and minimally functional. Guess who it's named after. The airports in Mary and Dashoguz were Soviet relics where passenger comfort was of no concern whatsoever. For example, there were no bathrooms airside; you had to wait until you boarded. The Turkmenbashi should invest a few petrodollars on upgrades.
Turkmenistan Airlines has no web site. It has no frequent flyer program that I could discern and is not part of any alliance. It serves the major cities in Turkmenistan in the sense that it connects them to Ashgabat. The foreign destinations include London, Moscow, Beijing, Bangkok and Istanbul. Flights through Ashgabat are cheap; flights to Ashgabat are expensive.
Turkmenistan Airlines is cut-rate transportation which isn't so bad if your expectations are low. You might want to snag a boarding pass or other trinket with the company's name. It will make a nice souvenir after the carrier is inevitably renamed Turkmenbashi Airlines.
Nov 16, 2006, 7:36 am
#4
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 323
After reading this thread I decided to do some additional reading on Turkmenistan, as I had never heard of it before. A few "facts" (courtesy of wikipedia):
Oh, and good news for FFs... 
Turkmenistan Airlines WIKI
Presently, 60% of the population is unemployed while 58% lives below the poverty line.
One-half of its irrigated land is planted in cotton, making it the world's 10th-largest producer
"The Hare Krishna are not allowed to seek donations at the country's main airport, the Ashgabat Airport."
Nov 16, 2006, 7:59 am
#5
Join Date: May 2004
Programs: BA blue, LH Senator, KQ (FB) gold
Posts: 8,215
Originally Posted by PaulKarl
Turkmenistan's claim to fame is the bizarre behavior of its leader, President for Life Saparmurat Niyazov, who granted himself the title "Turkmenbashi the Great." For a taste of his eclectic policies, please note that he has, in a roughly ascending order of lunacy, mandated white marble facing on all new buildings in the capital, outlawed smoking (when he quit), named countless buildings after himself, placed his likeness on all currency, erected gold-plated statues of himself throughout the country, published a series of books which are now the basis of the national curriculum, banned opera and movies as "unturkmen," imposed a new alphabet, renamed the month of April after his mother and ordered the closure of all hospitals outside the capital.
You didn't mention that he renamed the city of Krasnovodsk (Kyzyl-Su) after himself (Turkmenbashi), and that at least one of those gold-plated statues revolves so that it is always facing the sun!
However funny this bizarre activity is to us, we should also remember what a tragedy it is for the Turkmen people.
Nov 16, 2006, 8:33 am
#8
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Terra Australis Cognita
Posts: 5,350
More fun Turkmenbashi factoids: Ashgabat's big Turkmenbashi statue revolves to always face the sun, he issued a presidential decree forbidding TV newscasters from wearing makeup, and -- my personal favorite -- he renamed the Turkmen word "bread" after his mother. Must be fun to walk up to a Turkmen bakery and ask for a hot slice of yo mama 
Nov 16, 2006, 9:20 am
#10
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Originally Posted by jpatokal
More fun Turkmenbashi factoids: Ashgabat's big Turkmenbashi statue revolves to always face the sun, he issued a presidential decree forbidding TV newscasters from wearing makeup, and -- my personal favorite -- he renamed the Turkmen word "bread" after his mother. Must be fun to walk up to a Turkmen bakery and ask for a hot slice of yo mama
Nov 16, 2006, 12:57 pm
#11
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Lake Oswego, Oregon or Costa Alegre take your pick
Programs: AS MVPG,
Posts: 1,066
Yupp
Originally Posted by GUWonder
Will there be another Borat movie, Borat: Turkmenbashi?
This is one brave flier. My only question to OP was in regards to safety.
Any demo?
Any instructions xeroxed or other?
God save your soul man, eeek
Nov 16, 2006, 8:09 pm
#15
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Windermere
Posts: 286
I flew 2 segments on Turkmenistan Air back in 2000. Merv ( now called Mary) – Ashgabad (Farsi for City of Love) and Ashgabad to Dashowuz. The first was a small goat plane, maybe 15 passengers – a regional prop plane. I was in the back, leaning against cargo netting on one side and my tour guide on the other. She took one of the two 5mg tabs of Valium I had with me at the time. The plane was old and dirty but the flight was smooth.
The ASB airport was hot, smelly, and charmless. Though we were in the very front of the “check in” line for the ASB-Dashowuz flight, we somehow we ended up as the last to board. Open seating. Being last on was merciful; though it was April, it was 95 F on the tarmac and, being a desert country, the luxury of regular bathing was not available to most passengers. (Flights themselves were cheap – about 4$) The ubiquitous flimsy white/black/red carpetbag under each arm, there was little room on the plane for passengers to move around. The aisle carpet was torn and ready to trip on. The only open seats were those that wouldn’t stay up. The seal around my window appeared cracked, though it was apparently intact. We sat on the tarmac for about 90 minutes. No AC, just raw BO. I felt like a fly stuck to a piece of sh*t. Then someone picked up the sh*t and flung it to Dashowuz, the least pleasant city I have ever visited.
The flies, the mosquitoes, the Korean restaurant, the roommate who defecated into the waterless toilet in the airless hotel room, Dashowuz was not great. The next day, we crossed to Urgench in Uzbekistan.
Turkmenistan overall was phenomenal; the plane rides were fine, as were the roads. The villages and ruins (Nisa, Merv/Margiana) were memorable, as was the Sunday bazaar (second only to the one in Kashgar, Xinjiang/Uyghur Autonomous Repubilc). The National museum in Ashgabad was great. 14 straight days of pilov would do anyone in, though. The honor of the tail fat gets a little rancid after a while.
In terms of the nuttiness of Turkmenbashi and the country as a whole, it is what it is. The people were lovely but tense. The currency was so dodgy that the national museum gift shop only took dollars. Oh well.
The ASB airport was hot, smelly, and charmless. Though we were in the very front of the “check in” line for the ASB-Dashowuz flight, we somehow we ended up as the last to board. Open seating. Being last on was merciful; though it was April, it was 95 F on the tarmac and, being a desert country, the luxury of regular bathing was not available to most passengers. (Flights themselves were cheap – about 4$) The ubiquitous flimsy white/black/red carpetbag under each arm, there was little room on the plane for passengers to move around. The aisle carpet was torn and ready to trip on. The only open seats were those that wouldn’t stay up. The seal around my window appeared cracked, though it was apparently intact. We sat on the tarmac for about 90 minutes. No AC, just raw BO. I felt like a fly stuck to a piece of sh*t. Then someone picked up the sh*t and flung it to Dashowuz, the least pleasant city I have ever visited.
The flies, the mosquitoes, the Korean restaurant, the roommate who defecated into the waterless toilet in the airless hotel room, Dashowuz was not great. The next day, we crossed to Urgench in Uzbekistan.
Turkmenistan overall was phenomenal; the plane rides were fine, as were the roads. The villages and ruins (Nisa, Merv/Margiana) were memorable, as was the Sunday bazaar (second only to the one in Kashgar, Xinjiang/Uyghur Autonomous Repubilc). The National museum in Ashgabad was great. 14 straight days of pilov would do anyone in, though. The honor of the tail fat gets a little rancid after a while.
In terms of the nuttiness of Turkmenbashi and the country as a whole, it is what it is. The people were lovely but tense. The currency was so dodgy that the national museum gift shop only took dollars. Oh well.