New gauntlet to jump over at IAD...
Aug 2, 2011, 1:56 pm
#1
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New gauntlet to jump over at IAD...
Last two times through IAD, the TSA has had an additional screener checking ID and boarding pass after you go through the TDC. An additional 30 seconds of delay.
One called it "quality control", the other said "I don't like it any more than you do".
They've also added some kind of "structure" above the podiums used by the document checkers. I couldn't see anything obvious that would justify thousands of $$$ being spent to build this "archway". All it seemed to have is more overhead lighting.
Worser and worser.
One called it "quality control", the other said "I don't like it any more than you do".
They've also added some kind of "structure" above the podiums used by the document checkers. I couldn't see anything obvious that would justify thousands of $$$ being spent to build this "archway". All it seemed to have is more overhead lighting.
Worser and worser.
Aug 2, 2011, 2:11 pm
#2
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Last two times through IAD, the TSA has had an additional screener checking ID and boarding pass after you go through the TDC. An additional 30 seconds of delay.
One called it "quality control", the other said "I don't like it any more than you do".
They've also added some kind of "structure" above the podiums used by the document checkers. I couldn't see anything obvious that would justify thousands of $$$ being spent to build this "archway". All it seemed to have is more overhead lighting.
Worser and worser.
One called it "quality control", the other said "I don't like it any more than you do".
They've also added some kind of "structure" above the podiums used by the document checkers. I couldn't see anything obvious that would justify thousands of $$$ being spent to build this "archway". All it seemed to have is more overhead lighting.
Worser and worser.
Aug 2, 2011, 2:24 pm
#3
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Aug 2, 2011, 5:50 pm
#4
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I noticed that a couple of weeks ago. I kept asking my brother why are they checking people's boarding passes after they just went through the ID check? I mean, it couldn't have been 5 feet past the ID check that another smurf was standing asking people to see their BPs and IDs again.
Aug 2, 2011, 6:30 pm
#5
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Aug 2, 2011, 6:38 pm
#6
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[Insert "but I could use any other boarding pass to board the aircraft anyways" argument here.]
[Insert "but the incidence of this sort of event is so rare to begin with, isn't this a waste of resources" argument here.]
On the whole ... I guess I'm ambivalent. If pulling a screener to double-check documents means there are less screeners assigned to other duties of even less worth --- like roving beverage tests or gate-side ID checks --- then this might actually be a good thing.
Aug 2, 2011, 6:46 pm
#7
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Well, it looks like I'm gonna slow down the process as I have it down pat that once the TDC is done with me, my I/D & asking me to state my name, I have everything in my jacket pockets with my jacket ready to be folded and placed in the little grey bin (and that includes my BP) so if a TSO wants to look at my BP, their gonna have to wait until my bags clear the x-ray machine and I'm done with my shoe secondary as since I can't touch my belongings until I'm cleared from my secondary, I'm not about to have a TSO go thru my belongings until I'm able to properly watch what they are doing.
Aug 2, 2011, 7:06 pm
#8
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Well, it looks like I'm gonna slow down the process as I have it down pat that once the TDC is done with me, my I/D & asking me to state my name, I have everything in my jacket pockets with my jacket ready to be folded and placed in the little grey bin (and that includes my BP) so if a TSO wants to look at my BP, their gonna have to wait until my bags clear the x-ray machine and I'm done with my shoe secondary as since I can't touch my belongings until I'm cleared from my secondary, I'm not about to have a TSO go thru my belongings until I'm able to properly watch what they are doing.
Aug 2, 2011, 7:20 pm
#9
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Well, it looks like I'm gonna slow down the process as I have it down pat that once the TDC is done with me, my I/D & asking me to state my name, I have everything in my jacket pockets with my jacket ready to be folded and placed in the little grey bin (and that includes my BP) so if a TSO wants to look at my BP, their gonna have to wait until my bags clear the x-ray machine and I'm done with my shoe secondary as since I can't touch my belongings until I'm cleared from my secondary, I'm not about to have a TSO go thru my belongings until I'm able to properly watch what they are doing.
Aug 2, 2011, 9:13 pm
#11
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Aug 2, 2011, 9:21 pm
#12
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I wonder if one could have fun with this by presenting a ready-to-go, second, non-scribbled-on boarding pass to the second checker.
Just say "the guy over there didn't do anything, and told me to move along" and let the fun ensue! (Just think, if enough of us did this we might be able to get the TDC fired resulting in one less TSA to deal with...)
Just say "the guy over there didn't do anything, and told me to move along" and let the fun ensue! (Just think, if enough of us did this we might be able to get the TDC fired resulting in one less TSA to deal with...)
Aug 2, 2011, 10:04 pm
#13
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I doubt they'll be getting guns with as many felons as they have working for them. They wanted to have sworn LEO's at checkpoints but that was quickly denied (thankfully).
Aug 2, 2011, 11:05 pm
#14
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the more things change...
From Great Moments in FlyerTalk TS&S, c 2005:
My favorite from the current crop of idiots: EWR Terminal "A": THREE looky-sees of the boarding pass in the WTMD line, and that's after the non-english-speaker from "Prospect Airport Services" grunted at me at the boarding pass checking station. I asked why exactly she had to see the same boarding pass that TWO other TSA workers within 20 feet of her had checked in sight of her and within the preceding 45 seconds. The socratic response:
"I not dem. Dey not me" with the approproate sideways rocking of the head.
"I not dem. Dey not me" with the approproate sideways rocking of the head.
Aug 2, 2011, 11:37 pm
#15
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All this talk of new fake hoops we have to jump through, and pat-downs and fake things in the name of 'security' at the airport got me thinking...where have I heard these rants before? And then it hit me: Lewis Black.
In 2002, Lewis Black did about 10 minutes on airport security on his "End of the Universe" album that absolutely killed. And the frightening thing is, it's 9 years later, and except for a few things, it still works. Here, for your reading pleasure, is the painstakingly transcribed text of that routine, in tact save for sanitization of various cuss words. Enjoy.
In 2002, Lewis Black did about 10 minutes on airport security on his "End of the Universe" album that absolutely killed. And the frightening thing is, it's 9 years later, and except for a few things, it still works. Here, for your reading pleasure, is the painstakingly transcribed text of that routine, in tact save for sanitization of various cuss words. Enjoy.
Originally Posted by Lewis Black - "Airport Security", from The End of the Universe
The safest place to travel from - I did it this year - a few months ago - Macon, Georgia. No place is safer. Unbelievable security. In a waiting room that's this big, they have the equipment there, and there are 5 people - 2 of the National Guardsmen, 3 security people. The most amount of people that can fit in there are the most amount of people that can get in one of those little Buddy Holly [expletive] planes they got - is 15 people. So there are 15 of us, 5 security people - I think we got it covered. It's 1 person for every three people - son of a [expletive] - I wish that was a classroom.
They looked - they sent all my stuff through, and then - as they do now - they randomly pick someone for a search. And I get picked a fair amount, and it doesn't bother me at all, 'cause they say it's a lottery, and I never win a lottery, so when it happens I go "WOO HOO! I won, SUCKERS!" And they searched my bags, and then I walked……to HERE. Where they would take my ticket before I get on the plane - WHERE…they have a random search. YOOHOO! They did me again! They did it again! No more than nine feet apart, they looked through my bags twice. That's the safest flight I was on. 'Cause - son of a [expletive] - who knows - I might have been trying to blow myself up today!
We went from utterly [expletive] airport security to sort of [expletive][expletive] airport security. There's been no change in airport security. Airport security at this point is completely psychotic. It has nothing to do with reality. We have never had a lick of common sense. We didn't do [expletive] before, and now we respond like, "OH [EXPLETIVE]! WE GOTTA DO EVERYTHING! We're gonna have somebody here who just READS about security while people are going through! And someone'll sing a SONG about it!" It's [expletive] unbelievable!
I was in Newark Airport, and I watched as a mother of 2 - she's traveling with twins - they're 2 years old - OK? And she's alone, and they told her to put her strollers on the conveyer belts so they can be x-rayed. Why? WHY?!? WHY?!? WHY?!? And I've had arguments in lines with people and I'm gettin' this close to…some sort of "problem"… "Well, Lewis, we just don't know" - YEAH, we DO know - we know that a mother with twins isn't going to be [expletive] with anybody - at what point does a mother with twins have time to trundle down to the wood shop and turn the stroller into a WEAPON, [expletive]?!? If the kids looked a little malnourished, I'd buy your [expletive] theory. And if you've got a stroller that's a weapon - figure it out - how long's it going to take a 2 year old to find it? "Look mommy!" (explosion sound) You don't [expletive] with that mother, you get her on the plane as quickly as possible and make sure those kids are happy, because the only terrors she's bringing on that plane are those two little [expletive]s.
What's she gonna do? Let's say she's carrying a weapon. Let's say she's got a…she's carrying something in her bra. At what point is she going to make this happen? Huh? At what point is she going to turn to the person sitting next to her and go "Well, you hold Frankie and you hold Estelle - I gotta go to the cockpit and kick some [expletive]."
I was in Omaha, Nebraska, which is PARIS compared to Raleigh, Missouri - and it was there that I saw an elderly woman, late 70s, weighs about 85-90 pounds, frail, being pushed through the airport in the airport wheelchair. She was mobile…a lot of the elderly they take through the airport now, because a lot of the elderly may be mobile, but she was the kind of mobile - if you went like this, she'd fall down. THEY PATTED HER DOWN! I am not making this down. They patted her down. They patted her legs, and then they patted her bird-like arms, then they pushed her over and patted her back because I guess they were searching for a hump. Where she might have hidden some weaponry. And then, in an extraordinary moment, the gentleman who'd been patting her down brought over a female security guard who looked like the warden in one of those lesbian prison movies. She patted…the bottom of the wheelchair. She patted the woman's [expletive].
And as I watched this, I thought, you know, it's always important - remember this - bring rawhide with you. Because when you see something like that, your immediate reaction is "HEY! YOU [EXPLETIVE] STOP IT, YOU [EXPLETIVE] MORONS! BACK OFF! BACK THE [EXPLETIVE] OFF!" But you can't do that. Because…your journey will end. So you bring the rawhide, and you put it in your mouth when you see that, and you twitch for a while. And then, uh, that works in your favor, because they think you're having a seizure, so they put you at the front of the plane.
The two people who patted her down should have been immediately taken away for psychiatric care, 'cause the stress of the job had gotten to them. They reached a point where their paranoia had overtaken them. There's no reason that you examine this woman. Because the enemy may be unscrupulous, but they are not masters of disguise. Anyone who cannot lift their own bag and put it into the overhead - anybody who can't do that…that's it - you go on board. We don't need to search them. We don't need to search them. We need to search people who might be strong and can pull [expletive] off. That's the deal. That's the deal. They have made us completely nuts. They have won on that level. They have made security crazy on a level that's just stupid.
The most amazing one I saw was a woman in a motorized wheelchair, OK? Can't walk. Can't walk. CAN'T [EXPLETIVE] WALK. What's she gonna do - spit on ya? She can't walk. Does she need a sign? She's in a motorized wheelchair. Maybe she shoulda had a sign in 8 different languages - "Can't walk (gibberish). Can't get out of the chair. Impossible - need help." It'd be one thing if she looked strange. She didn't look strange. It'd be one thing if, you know…she looked, literally, striking gray hair, uh, beautiful dress on, wonderful jewelry, very dignified looking - the way I'd describe her, and it's the only way that I really can figure out to make it very specific - she looked as if Protestantism had sprung from her womb. They x-rayed her bags and said they had to take a closer look, because I guess she had, like, a nail clipper and would just go berserk. What's she gonna have in the bag, a FLAMETHROWER, [expletive]? It's one thing if she was in a clown costume. And her orange wig was askew, and the makeup was all [expletive]ed-up. You know? And she had a little monkey on her lap and she was playing with its [expletive], OK? Then I'm right with you. Let's go through the bag! Let us check the bag! OK, no telling - what, she's got snakes in there, I don't know! You let her through. The reason you let her through is because if the enemy has actually hired her to work for them, they deserve to win.
It's this simple: the machinery in the airports doesn't work, so the whole thing is a moot point. It's an exercise in stupidity. The stuff doesn't work. it never worked. It's not the people, it's not whether the people work for the government, it's all [expletive]. The stuff doesn't work. If it worked, we would catch people. (goofy laugh) I mean, granted, the people thing is kinda important, because in Los Angeles the other day, they actually sent a bunch of people through and then they had to close the airport because somebody hadn't turned the metal detector on. Now, that to me is - first off, you just take 'em out back, and get a paddle, and you spank their [expletive]. You do. You just spank their [expletive] - I'm serious, that's when you give somebody a spanking. And you do it a lot. Until they're crying. I'm serious. Not in front of people, I don't mean to shame 'em, but that's [expletive]…that's the, that's the, that's it. That's the first thing. Turn on the [expletive]. That's the first [expletive] thing!
But the stuff doesn't work. The x-ray machine doesn't work. People have argued with me about that, it's [expletive]. I don't care. It's gotta be really good. It's gotta be something that, when you put something in there the thing goes "[EXPLETIVE] LOOK! HERE IT IS!" OK? That's what it's gotta be. And anything else is [expletive]. I've looked at my [expletive] bag when it's gone through there, and if it's…son of a [expletive], I didn't know I owned a fishing pole! You build a piece of equipment that works, it's that [expletive] important - it shoulda been done before…they don't do it. They build other [expletive]. They build a thing so that we can watch the war at night. That's what we were doing. We're watching the [expletive] war at night. It's night, but it's day! That's [expletive] different from spring & fall! If you can turn night into day, don't tell me you can't figure this out - you're full of [expletive]. Don't tell me that, if in my lifetime, I went from a rotary phone that was so big and so heavy that if a puma came at me I could kill it…and now I got a cell phone that's half the size of this and apparently when you shove it up your [expletive] a fax comes out. So they can build it.
The metal detectors don't work either. I know that. The metal detectors don't work at all. I know that because I go through the metal detector, and then they say, "Um…we're gonna have to check ya." Well, I went through the metal detector. That should be it. But then they need to check ya again - well then that means that doesn't [expletive] work, does it? Alright? So then, they got a thing called a 'wand', and it's the same thing, it's like a metal detector in your hand, and they go "woooooo"…and they do that, and then I'm clear, and then they say "Now we're gonna have to pat you down." Well, then that [expletive] thing didn't work either, did it? And if what you really need to do is pat us down, then pat us down. Pat us the [expletive] down. Don't do this [expletive], don't send me through two fake things that don't work. Pat us down, don't waste the time. Or just have a stick and go "Oooga booga oooga booga".
They looked - they sent all my stuff through, and then - as they do now - they randomly pick someone for a search. And I get picked a fair amount, and it doesn't bother me at all, 'cause they say it's a lottery, and I never win a lottery, so when it happens I go "WOO HOO! I won, SUCKERS!" And they searched my bags, and then I walked……to HERE. Where they would take my ticket before I get on the plane - WHERE…they have a random search. YOOHOO! They did me again! They did it again! No more than nine feet apart, they looked through my bags twice. That's the safest flight I was on. 'Cause - son of a [expletive] - who knows - I might have been trying to blow myself up today!
We went from utterly [expletive] airport security to sort of [expletive][expletive] airport security. There's been no change in airport security. Airport security at this point is completely psychotic. It has nothing to do with reality. We have never had a lick of common sense. We didn't do [expletive] before, and now we respond like, "OH [EXPLETIVE]! WE GOTTA DO EVERYTHING! We're gonna have somebody here who just READS about security while people are going through! And someone'll sing a SONG about it!" It's [expletive] unbelievable!
I was in Newark Airport, and I watched as a mother of 2 - she's traveling with twins - they're 2 years old - OK? And she's alone, and they told her to put her strollers on the conveyer belts so they can be x-rayed. Why? WHY?!? WHY?!? WHY?!? And I've had arguments in lines with people and I'm gettin' this close to…some sort of "problem"… "Well, Lewis, we just don't know" - YEAH, we DO know - we know that a mother with twins isn't going to be [expletive] with anybody - at what point does a mother with twins have time to trundle down to the wood shop and turn the stroller into a WEAPON, [expletive]?!? If the kids looked a little malnourished, I'd buy your [expletive] theory. And if you've got a stroller that's a weapon - figure it out - how long's it going to take a 2 year old to find it? "Look mommy!" (explosion sound) You don't [expletive] with that mother, you get her on the plane as quickly as possible and make sure those kids are happy, because the only terrors she's bringing on that plane are those two little [expletive]s.
What's she gonna do? Let's say she's carrying a weapon. Let's say she's got a…she's carrying something in her bra. At what point is she going to make this happen? Huh? At what point is she going to turn to the person sitting next to her and go "Well, you hold Frankie and you hold Estelle - I gotta go to the cockpit and kick some [expletive]."
I was in Omaha, Nebraska, which is PARIS compared to Raleigh, Missouri - and it was there that I saw an elderly woman, late 70s, weighs about 85-90 pounds, frail, being pushed through the airport in the airport wheelchair. She was mobile…a lot of the elderly they take through the airport now, because a lot of the elderly may be mobile, but she was the kind of mobile - if you went like this, she'd fall down. THEY PATTED HER DOWN! I am not making this down. They patted her down. They patted her legs, and then they patted her bird-like arms, then they pushed her over and patted her back because I guess they were searching for a hump. Where she might have hidden some weaponry. And then, in an extraordinary moment, the gentleman who'd been patting her down brought over a female security guard who looked like the warden in one of those lesbian prison movies. She patted…the bottom of the wheelchair. She patted the woman's [expletive].
And as I watched this, I thought, you know, it's always important - remember this - bring rawhide with you. Because when you see something like that, your immediate reaction is "HEY! YOU [EXPLETIVE] STOP IT, YOU [EXPLETIVE] MORONS! BACK OFF! BACK THE [EXPLETIVE] OFF!" But you can't do that. Because…your journey will end. So you bring the rawhide, and you put it in your mouth when you see that, and you twitch for a while. And then, uh, that works in your favor, because they think you're having a seizure, so they put you at the front of the plane.
The two people who patted her down should have been immediately taken away for psychiatric care, 'cause the stress of the job had gotten to them. They reached a point where their paranoia had overtaken them. There's no reason that you examine this woman. Because the enemy may be unscrupulous, but they are not masters of disguise. Anyone who cannot lift their own bag and put it into the overhead - anybody who can't do that…that's it - you go on board. We don't need to search them. We don't need to search them. We need to search people who might be strong and can pull [expletive] off. That's the deal. That's the deal. They have made us completely nuts. They have won on that level. They have made security crazy on a level that's just stupid.
The most amazing one I saw was a woman in a motorized wheelchair, OK? Can't walk. Can't walk. CAN'T [EXPLETIVE] WALK. What's she gonna do - spit on ya? She can't walk. Does she need a sign? She's in a motorized wheelchair. Maybe she shoulda had a sign in 8 different languages - "Can't walk (gibberish). Can't get out of the chair. Impossible - need help." It'd be one thing if she looked strange. She didn't look strange. It'd be one thing if, you know…she looked, literally, striking gray hair, uh, beautiful dress on, wonderful jewelry, very dignified looking - the way I'd describe her, and it's the only way that I really can figure out to make it very specific - she looked as if Protestantism had sprung from her womb. They x-rayed her bags and said they had to take a closer look, because I guess she had, like, a nail clipper and would just go berserk. What's she gonna have in the bag, a FLAMETHROWER, [expletive]? It's one thing if she was in a clown costume. And her orange wig was askew, and the makeup was all [expletive]ed-up. You know? And she had a little monkey on her lap and she was playing with its [expletive], OK? Then I'm right with you. Let's go through the bag! Let us check the bag! OK, no telling - what, she's got snakes in there, I don't know! You let her through. The reason you let her through is because if the enemy has actually hired her to work for them, they deserve to win.
It's this simple: the machinery in the airports doesn't work, so the whole thing is a moot point. It's an exercise in stupidity. The stuff doesn't work. it never worked. It's not the people, it's not whether the people work for the government, it's all [expletive]. The stuff doesn't work. If it worked, we would catch people. (goofy laugh) I mean, granted, the people thing is kinda important, because in Los Angeles the other day, they actually sent a bunch of people through and then they had to close the airport because somebody hadn't turned the metal detector on. Now, that to me is - first off, you just take 'em out back, and get a paddle, and you spank their [expletive]. You do. You just spank their [expletive] - I'm serious, that's when you give somebody a spanking. And you do it a lot. Until they're crying. I'm serious. Not in front of people, I don't mean to shame 'em, but that's [expletive]…that's the, that's the, that's it. That's the first thing. Turn on the [expletive]. That's the first [expletive] thing!
But the stuff doesn't work. The x-ray machine doesn't work. People have argued with me about that, it's [expletive]. I don't care. It's gotta be really good. It's gotta be something that, when you put something in there the thing goes "[EXPLETIVE] LOOK! HERE IT IS!" OK? That's what it's gotta be. And anything else is [expletive]. I've looked at my [expletive] bag when it's gone through there, and if it's…son of a [expletive], I didn't know I owned a fishing pole! You build a piece of equipment that works, it's that [expletive] important - it shoulda been done before…they don't do it. They build other [expletive]. They build a thing so that we can watch the war at night. That's what we were doing. We're watching the [expletive] war at night. It's night, but it's day! That's [expletive] different from spring & fall! If you can turn night into day, don't tell me you can't figure this out - you're full of [expletive]. Don't tell me that, if in my lifetime, I went from a rotary phone that was so big and so heavy that if a puma came at me I could kill it…and now I got a cell phone that's half the size of this and apparently when you shove it up your [expletive] a fax comes out. So they can build it.
The metal detectors don't work either. I know that. The metal detectors don't work at all. I know that because I go through the metal detector, and then they say, "Um…we're gonna have to check ya." Well, I went through the metal detector. That should be it. But then they need to check ya again - well then that means that doesn't [expletive] work, does it? Alright? So then, they got a thing called a 'wand', and it's the same thing, it's like a metal detector in your hand, and they go "woooooo"…and they do that, and then I'm clear, and then they say "Now we're gonna have to pat you down." Well, then that [expletive] thing didn't work either, did it? And if what you really need to do is pat us down, then pat us down. Pat us the [expletive] down. Don't do this [expletive], don't send me through two fake things that don't work. Pat us down, don't waste the time. Or just have a stick and go "Oooga booga oooga booga".