Just got back from 4 hours of flying today and I was tooting it up the entire time! I think it might be because I was thinking about this thread, but it was really bad today.

I've also decided that airport/airplane food doesn't help. I don't think those stupid nut mixes and/or the cheeseburger and fries with a Sam Adams from Chili's in the B concourse of ORD really helped.

lifes a gas hey ??? :D

The teacher walks into the room and says... "OK class todays word is DEFINITLY, can anyone use the word in a sentence."

Little Susie stands up and say "The sky is DEFINITLY blue."

The teacher says; "Not necisarrily Susie, it can be blue, gray, or black, but nice try."

Little Johnny is in the back of the room and is waving his hands back and forth.

The teacher says " Yes Johnny, What is it?"

Johnny says " I have a question."

OK lets hear it, says the teacher.

Johnny says "Do Farts have lumps?"

The teacher says, "Well no they don't."

Little Johnny says "Well then I DEFINITLY just filled my pants!!!"

John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he spots a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

John replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished John rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

John says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and John replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

Great line in Bill Simmons week six Football column today.

"This has nothing to do with Week Six, but to the person who kept farting somewhere around the 10th row of the 12:54 PM United flight from Denver to Los Angeles yesterday ... may you burn in hell."

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2...immons/0510121

Steve Fenton is my hero
 

Gawd - I can't stop laughing now. Thanks Steve. One of my favorite lines from an unknown source: "I'm 50 years old and still think farts are funny".

On a serious (?) note - I find that GasX works very well. Used to have shall we say "issues" on long flights, but no more. One such "issue" lead me to have my own biff for an entire flight from Brazil. :eek:

Last week I did a 13.5 hr flight to Frankfurt and then a quick 1.5 hr hop to manchester. The guy behind me on the manchester flight,kept snorting so loud to clear his nose its was gross and making me feel sick. Well I had one brwewing and decided to let it go as all the seats around me were empty and when it slipped out I used the saftey instructions to direct it in his space and yes it worked. He got up and moved t the back of the plane.

I am proud to say that this is one problem I do not have when flying, but i would take it anyday over having so many of my flights delayed or cancelled (4 of the last 6).

Why would it start at 8000'?

I sat behind Seal (big-shot celebrity singer) on a short flight recently. For whatever reason, I had some bad gas. So bad that he turned around and glared at me. I tried to stop, but there is an embarassingly perverse pleasure you can get by upsetting the life of someone who feels they are above everyone else. :D

After the flight he disappeared into a special VIP BMW on the tarmac with his entourage and sped off to a place where people like me cannot bother him. ;)

Why do people do this?. In the UK if someone does this it is the height of bad manners and they would get glared at. But I have noticed in the USA it happens all the time; on planes, even in meetings. GO TO THE BATHROOM AND BLOW YOUR NOSE AND CLEAR YOUR THROAT FFS"

Without searching, I would automatically attibute that quote to Dave Barry.

Looks like someone else knows the secret tactic...more than one nozzle directed to my sector usually clears out the contaminated cloud more rapidly than one. On the same note, the nozzle can act as a source of "fresher" air should your seatmate befuddle the atmosphere, just don't stand up and put your mouth on it like a snorkel. Also, you can direct the air nozzles toward the culprit if they are in front or behind you to get the noxious fumes rolling away from you. Ahhh the knowledge gained from FT...truly priceless.

^ ^ ^

I had this mental image of the oxygen mask part of the safety video - mom sucking the nozzle first then giving the lapchild a hit. :D

What about "Number 2"
 

Along the same lines flying does not scare me. Give me turbulance or an emergancy evacuation, flyover any day. However the thought of going "number 2" on overseas trips is the one reason I have an Admirals club membership. I am booked next month on a 17 hour flight to Cape Town. OMG, 17hours! without a pretty wooden door, not to mention the lack of ... gaskets.

I'm only 40, so it's good to see that I can be immature well into my older years. ^

Yeah, I farted.

I try my hardest not to do a number 2 on an airplane; very disgusting. I'll hold it in until I'm at my destination.

I saw this article and somehow remembered this thread. A worthy bump?

http://www.bbc.com/future/story/2014...more-on-planes

FT does not disappoint as usual - expert advice in fartology is readily available.

Get some simethicone already
 

The question isn't who farts, it's who doesn't fart on a plane (and the answer is nobody.) It's a combination of the pressure, the long stretches sitting, the jostling of the plane, and the way you deviate from your normal diet when you travel.

Go easy on meat and dairy for 12-24 hours before you fly, and avoid beans, soda, onions, cabbage, cashews, and whatever else makes you fart or makes your farts stink worse. Don't eat a lot of fat or sweets before you get on the plane -- no airport terminal Cinnabon, no Big Mac. Take some simethicone once you've boarded the plane, either by itself or in a tablet like Gas-X.

Not only will you fart less, you'll feel less logy and bloated and out of sorts when you arrive.

I must be one of the rare few that do not have this issue. :D

But then again, before and during flights I eat very lightly
and no experimenting with new foods.

I want to enjoy my time rather than having to say upon
return from say... Rome... that I spent most of my time
in the Italian bathrooms. :D