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Through the years, I have been there when passengers were actually removed from an airplane. The following is an actual list of things passengers did to get them kicked off a plane:

1. Board a flight drunk and put your face directly into the chest of a well endowed flight attendant while yelling the words “Blobby, blobby, blobbly.”

2. Snatch a man’s toupee and play “Keep Away” during boarding.

3. Take a swing at me and then at the pilot. He missed on both tries but did land in prison for six months.

4. Smoke marijuana in the lavatory and then insist it is for medicinal purposes.

5. Openly read a book on how to make bombs, underlining parts of the chapter on commercial aviation.

6. Charge the cockpit, shouting “Allah be praised,” and then upon reaching the front say, “just kidding.”

7. Be a well endowed female, take off all your clothes, and start your collection of Mardi Gras beads on your way to New Orleans.

8. Open an exit before takeoff to see if the emergency slide really works.

9. Have such incredibly bad gas that it makes everyone around you sick. (This has happened twice.)

10. Pull out a realistic looking gun, aim it at a flight attendant and start squirting.

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