Subtle nonsense
 

Ladies and gentlemen, today you’re travelling on a Qantas Boeing 737.
You know, I was wondering about that. I thought we were on the Wright Flyer but my colleague thought we were on the Hindenburg. Thanks for the clarification, and for instilling such excitement into this critical piece of information.

Subtly, every aeroplane is different.
I’ve often remarked on those subtle differences between an A380 and a Tiger Moth.
That’s why you need to watch this demonstration: It depends what you mean by "every aeroplane".

Why not be transparent and say something like "Safety facilities can vary by airline and aircraft type"?

Having your seat-belt done up low and tight is absolutely essential during take-off, landing, and turbulence. It is a Qantas requirement that you keep it on at all other times. Do it up by putting the clasp in the buckle. It tightens as shown. Undo it by lifting the buckle flap.
The hysterical manner in which absolutely essential is intoned sets the mood for this section. Every other airline in the world considers it sufficient to recommend that belts be fastened when not moving around the cabin. But we’re Qantas and subtly different from other airlines. Compulsion and condescension are our hallmarks.

at all other times: Our proprietary Qantas seat-belt extensions, available on request, will enable you to go to the lavatory while still anchored safely to your seat. When not on a Qantas flight (e.g., when back in your home or office), please fill out an application for exemption from this restriction.

If you ever need to use the emergency brace position, you’ll need to know it instantly. … Keep your feet firmly on the floor to prevent them moving forward.
to prevent them moving forward: In any emergency, Qantas aircraft and their passengers have been granted an exemption from the laws of physics.

Every time you fly you almost certainly will be sitting in a different seat. This means that the escape route to the nearest exit is different for every flight.
Let’s think about that premise. Since I’ve flown at least one order of magnitude more times than the number of seats on any aircraft, a more correct statement would be: “Every time you fly you almost certainly will be sitting in a seat that you have previously occupied” (even allowing for subtly different seat configurations).

Now let’s think about your conclusion. To what extent is the exit route dependent on the seat I occupy? I’ve flown thousands of times in my life but I’ve only managed to count three subtly different escape routes to the nearest exit: forward, backward, and lateral (I sometimes occupy an exit row). How can it be different every time?

Oh, and I like the way that “almost certainly” in your premise subtly mutates into total certainty in your conclusion.

Look where the crew is pointing and work out where your nearest exit is. A good way of remembering is to count the number of seats between you and the exit. The crew will also point out the lights on the floor that act like a path to the exit. A red light indicates that you’ve reached an over-wing exit.
And a good way of counting the number of seats is to count the number of rows and multiply by the number of seats in each row, being sure to count the seats on both sides and in the middle of the aircraft and to take into account rows with a subtly different number of seats. In the event that our actual destination is subtly different from our intended destination, we will ask everyone to declare the number of seats to his nearest exit. Only those who have counted correctly will be permitted to approach the exit.

A loss of oxygen at altitude can lead to a loss of consciousness, so if a mask appears from above you, pull down on it firmly, put it on quickly and make sure the strap is tight. Once your mask is working properly you’re able to help other people, including children.
We couldn’t do what every other airline does and just tell you to apply the mask when it appears. We’re Qantas so we inject a little drama into the injunction.

Different aeroplanes carry different types of life-jackets. Qantas aeroplanes carry one yellow inflatable life-jacket for each person on board. Yours is under your seat. This life-jacket is the type that has a single waist-strap that clips together and tightens as shown. It has one red tag and one mouth-piece for inflation, and a whistle and a light for attracting attention. You should only inflate the jacket as you leave the aeroplane.
It’s so helpful that you’ve spelled all this out for us. In fact, if you hadn’t told us about variation in life-jacket design, I might have assumed that Qantas life-jackets were roughly the same as those of other airlines whose life-jackets I’ve assiduously committed to memory in minute detail. Can you imagine the trouble I would have had trying to fit my own yellow inflatable life-jacket when I’m used to those multi-passenger, black, solid-lead types that other airlines use?

Ah, yes, those different aeroplanes again (but no subtly this time). I’m tempted to ask what exactly you mean by an “aeroplane” or by “different” but I’m afraid you really have no idea.

a single waist-strap that clips together: A single thing can’t clip together. Presumably you mean that the two ends of the strap clip together.

We’re also carrying escape slides and life-rafts, which the crew would operate in an emergency. If we have to evacuate, you must leave all cabin baggage on the aircraft.
on the aircraft: Is that subtly the same thing as an aeroplane? Perhaps it’s time to abandon the farcical resurrection of that archaic term that you’ve been subjecting us to.

Above all, in an emergency, remember that it’s the crew that will be most help to you so follow their instructions. Finally, smoking is a fire hazard and is not permitted anywhere on this aeroplane. If you’re not sure about anything we’ve told you, check the safety card in your seat pocket. Otherwise, if you’ve completed the safety checklist, you’re ready for take-off. Please enjoy the flight.
No way it could be as much fun as the announcement that precedes it.


Memo to Qantas: The imbeciles who wrote and approved this nonsense should be subtly encased in non-inflatable life-jackets of any color, with their seat-belts fastened, for the remainder of their careers. Safety announcements that exhibit balanced content and delivery, syntactic and semantic coherence, and respect for the intelligence of your passengers, are available on request from most airlines, or by consulting any Qantas passenger of sound mind and reasonable education.

I enjoyed your post very much. Well written. Thanks for posting. :)

The quotes and your comments are something I'd expect a Southwest Airlines flight attendant to say :).

Nice work :D

Each plane carries different lifejackets??? Really??? You mean they don't just have one set which they load on to the next plane about to depart?

Seriously thgouh - I have always thought it strange that 'different aeroplanes carry different lifejackets' yet in the same sentence they say that ALL Qantas planes carry the SAME (type of) lifejacket.

This should really be cross-posted to the QF forum!

Regards

L/M/E FF

I didn't know there was a QF forum. I'll happily cross-post it there if I can do so without re-entering it. Each time I hear this QF drivel I am driven to distraction, and I fear that one day I will be driven to more than that.

This has to be the funniest sentence I read on FT all year!

Antiquntas - now cross-posted in the QF forum for you.

Regards

L/M/E FF

At least I am not the only one who hates the current Qantas safety demonstration video... Just be thankful that you were not on an international flight and so didn't have the long version of the video with the additional "safety checklist" at the beginning

Dave

Thank you!

Thank you!

The international version is the same, apart from the even more insufferably pathetic preamble. But I don't hear it so often as I choose to fly CX wherever possible (thereby sacrificing double QF miles, but it's worth it to avoid listening to that garbage).

I'd always thought that was especially stupid, but you've prompted me to look at it closely. I've only taken 87 flights on QF that I know seat numbers for.

Even treating every model of one product line (eg. 733, 734, 73H) as a different plane, the correct expression for me would be "you will be less than 22% likely to be in the same seat". Given how similar they are, it would be more sensible to combine models and ignore planes no longer in Qantas' fleet, which makes it "you will be less than 33% likely to be in the same seat".

You mean the checklist that ends 'let me explain' and then launches into the rest of the video?

Can't say I've ever been a fan of the current video, although it is now firmly etched into my brain.

Antiquntas... your posting had me in stitches. Thank you!

I just thought after that checklist they should cut to Pauline Hanson and she could do the 'please explain', before the video continues!

Regards

l/m/e/ ff