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Originally Posted by Antiqantas
Ladies and gentlemen, today you’re travelling on a Qantas Boeing 737.
You know, I was wondering about that. I thought we were on the Wright Flyer but my colleague thought we were on the Hindenburg. Thanks for the clarification, and for instilling such excitement into this critical piece of information. Subtly, every aeroplane is different. I’ve often remarked on those subtle differences between an A380 and a Tiger Moth. That’s why you need to watch this demonstration: which, by the way, happens to be exactly the same on all Qantas flights, regardless of subtle or non-subtle differences between our aircraft. I understand that you will be introducing a requirement for all passengers to undergo instruction in the use of catachresis and paradoxical reasoning before being admitted to Qantas flights. Having your seat-belt done up low and tight is absolutely essential during take-off, landing, and turbulence. It is a Qantas requirement that you keep it on at all other times. Do it up by putting the clasp in the buckle. It tightens as shown. Undo it by lifting the buckle flap. The hysterical manner in which absolutely essential is intoned sets the mood for this section. Every other airline in the world considers it sufficient to recommend that belts be fastened when not moving around the cabin. But we’re Qantas and subtly different from other airlines. Compulsion and condescension are our hallmarks. at all other times: Our proprietary Qantas seat-belt extensions, available on request, will enable you to go to the lavatory while still anchored safely to your seat. When not on a Qantas flight (e.g., when back in your home or office), please fill out an application for exemption from this restriction. If you ever need to use the emergency brace position, you’ll need to know it instantly. … Keep your feet firmly on the floor to prevent them moving forward. to prevent them moving forward: In any emergency, Qantas aircraft and their passengers have been granted an exemption from the laws of physics. Every time you fly you almost certainly will be sitting in a different seat. This means that the escape route to the nearest exit is different for every flight. Let’s think about that premise. Since I’ve flown at least one order of magnitude more times than the number of seats on any aircraft, a more correct statement would be: “Every time you fly you almost certainly will be sitting in a seat that you have previously occupied” (even allowing for subtly different seat configurations). Now let’s think about your conclusion. To what extent is the exit route dependent on the seat I occupy? I’ve flown thousands of times in my life but I’ve only managed to count three subtly different escape routes to the nearest exit: forward, backward, and lateral (I sometimes occupy an exit row). How can it be different every time? Oh, and I like the way that “almost certainly” in your premise subtly mutates into total certainty in your conclusion. Look where the crew is pointing and work out where your nearest exit is. A good way of remembering is to count the number of seats between you and the exit. The crew will also point out the lights on the floor that act like a path to the exit. A red light indicates that you’ve reached an over-wing exit. And a good way of counting the number of seats is to count the number of rows and multiply by the number of seats in each row, being sure to count the seats on both sides and in the middle of the aircraft and to take into account rows with a subtly different number of seats. In the event that our actual destination is subtly different from our intended destination, we will ask everyone to declare the number of seats to his nearest exit. Only those who have counted correctly will be permitted to approach the exit. A loss of oxygen at altitude can lead to a loss of consciousness, so if a mask appears from above you, pull down on it firmly, put it on quickly and make sure the strap is tight. Once your mask is working properly you’re able to help other people, including children. We couldn’t do what every other airline does and just tell you to apply the mask when it appears. We’re Qantas so we inject a little drama into the injunction. Different aeroplanes carry different types of life-jackets. Qantas aeroplanes carry one yellow inflatable life-jacket for each person on board. Yours is under your seat. This life-jacket is the type that has a single waist-strap that clips together and tightens as shown. It has one red tag and one mouth-piece for inflation, and a whistle and a light for attracting attention. You should only inflate the jacket as you leave the aeroplane. It’s so helpful that you’ve spelled all this out for us. In fact, if you hadn’t told us about variation in life-jacket design, I might have assumed that Qantas life-jackets were roughly the same as those of other airlines whose life-jackets I’ve assiduously committed to memory in minute detail. Can you imagine the trouble I would have had trying to fit my own yellow inflatable life-jacket when I’m used to those multi-passenger, black, solid-lead types that other airlines use? Ah, yes, those different aeroplanes again (but no subtly this time). I’m tempted to ask what exactly you mean by an “aeroplane” or by “different” but I’m afraid you really have no idea. a single waist-strap that clips together: A single thing can’t clip together. Presumably you mean that the two ends of the strap clip together. We’re also carrying escape slides and life-rafts, which the crew would operate in an emergency. If we have to evacuate, you must leave all cabin baggage on the aircraft. on the aircraft: Is that subtly the same thing as an aeroplane? Perhaps it’s time to abandon the farcical resurrection of that archaic term that you’ve been subjecting us to. Above all, in an emergency, remember that it’s the crew that will be most help to you so follow their instructions. Finally, smoking is a fire hazard and is not permitted anywhere on this aeroplane. If you’re not sure about anything we’ve told you, check the safety card in your seat pocket. Otherwise, if you’ve completed the safety checklist, you’re ready for take-off. Please enjoy the flight. No way it could be as much fun as the announcement that precedes it. Memo to Qantas: The imbeciles who wrote and approved this nonsense should be subtly encased in non-inflatable life-jackets of any color, with their seat-belts fastened, for the remainder of their careers. Safety announcements that exhibit balanced content and delivery, syntactic and semantic coherence, and respect for the intelligence of your passengers, are available on request from most airlines, or by consulting any Qantas passenger of sound mind and reasonable education. |
Arguably the most hysterically funny post I've seen all year on Flyertalk (now bookmarked for future laugh-fests.)
You're not a fellow philosopher by any chance are you, Antiquantas? Because you evaluate and construct arguments like a good philosopher should. :cool: |
Originally Posted by Antiqantas
The international version is the same, apart from the even more insufferably pathetic preamble. But I don't hear it so often as I choose to fly CX wherever possible (thereby sacrificing double QF miles, but it's worth it to avoid listening to that garbage).
Secondly, kudos on an excellent first post, I loved it! :D :D ^ I had the pleasure of hearing the subtlely unique international version on LAX-MEL just recently. As it was a night flight, because we're Qantas, we are special and leave the cabin lights on for night take-off's. On a serious note, is there any added "safety" from leaving the lights on during night time take offs? All other carriers, with perhaps the exception of Qantas, dim the cabin lights for take off and landing. Anyways, off to PER in another day with QF - but I have the pleasure of sampling Vermin Blue's (I'm sorry, that would be Virgin Blue) special nickle & dime service on my return. :eek: SDF_Traveler |
Originally Posted by Dave Noble
At least I am not the only one who hates the current Qantas safety demonstration video... Just be thankful that you were not on an international flight and so didn't have the long version of the video with the additional "safety checklist" at the beginning
Dave |
Originally Posted by SDF_Traveler
On a serious note, is there any added "safety" from leaving the lights on during night time take offs?
But then again, since Qantas never crashes, they can leave the lights on. Safety might not be an inssue to them. Self-important saftey videos and speeches certainly are. |
Originally Posted by essxjay
Arguably the most hysterically funny post I've seen all year on Flyertalk (now bookmarked for future laugh-fests.)
You're not a fellow philosopher by any chance are you, Antiquantas? Because you evaluate and construct arguments like a good philosopher should. :cool: |
Originally Posted by SDF_Traveler
... On a serious note, is there any added "safety" from leaving the lights on during night time take offs? All other carriers, with perhaps the exception of Qantas, dim the cabin lights for take off and landing. ...
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Originally Posted by Antiqantas
...
Memo to Qantas: The imbeciles who wrote and approved this nonsense should be subtly encased in non-inflatable life-jackets of any color, with their seat-belts fastened, for the remainder of their careers. Safety announcements that exhibit balanced content and delivery, syntactic and semantic coherence, and respect for the intelligence of your passengers, are available on request from most airlines, or by consulting any Qantas passenger of sound mind and reasonable education. Well, it's obvious you have flown QF many times, as you quoted the speil just about word for word; as I read your post my I was able summon the exact sounds and tones of the audio as I too have heard it many hundreds of times. It's been around since about the turn of the century. It's interesting you post in regard to the international one "But I don't hear it so often as I choose to fly CX wherever possible"; I feel Cathay's is quite similar, with their two person presentation; main difference as far as FA input is concerned is that all they have to do is to point out the exits; the QF FA's have to demonstrate the life jackets as well. What really amazes me is that you appear to have not considered that the video is not for people like you, nor for me, we both fly Qantas a lot. It is for first time or irregular flyers, designed to put them at ease and inform at the same time. I too find the whole thing boring, but put up with it as I understand what Qantas is getting at. And I feel better for it. I wish to add ,however, that the speil you are deriding has obviously worked quite well on you; as you know it enough to post here almost verbatim ... and that's a good thing. |
Originally Posted by serfty
Qantas CSM's now "dim the cabin lights for take off and landing"; have done so since mid October.
That was my first long-haul flight on QF in several years. Earlier this year and last year I had been using Malaysian Airlines via KUL to get between the States & Australia. Have a domestic CityFlyer(tm) flight out to WA tomorrow night; will see if they dim the lights. Cheers! SDF_Traveler |
Originally Posted by serfty
G'day Antiqantas & Welcome to FT.
What really amazes me is that you appear to have not considered that the video is not for people like you, nor for me, we both fly Qantas a lot. It is for first time or irregular flyers, designed to put them at ease and inform at the same time. I too find the whole thing boring, but put up with it as I understand what Qantas is getting at. And I feel better for it. What is your authority or evidence for asserting that the announcement is not for regular flyers? Nothing I can see within the text would imply such a thing, unless regular flyers are not considered "ladies and gentlemen" or are addressed by pronouns other than "you". In any case, even if it were intended only for irregular (and perhaps non-English-speaking) flyers, wouldn't it be even more important to say something that displays logical and semantic consistency and a prudent choice of words? It's not that difficult. Other airlines are able to do it. Also, did I say it was boring? That's not my complaint. In fact, if it was boring it would be an improvement. |
Originally Posted by serfty
What really amazes me is that you appear to have not considered that the video is not for people like you, nor for me, we both fly Qantas a lot. It is for first time or irregular flyers, designed to put them at ease and inform at the same time.
My last check-flight with a CFI was not passed, because I, as PIC, did not give this pre-flight briefing to my passenger (I assumed that because he was a chief flying instructor, he knew it all already). Dave |
Originally Posted by serfty
What really amazes me is that you appear to have not considered that the video is not for people like you, nor for me, we both fly Qantas a lot. It is for first time or irregular flyers, designed to put them at ease and inform at the same time.
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Originally Posted by Kremmen
I think an important point is that inaccuracy is annoying and stupid, no matter who the target audience is. They could remove the inaccuracies and silliness without compromising the message.
Ok, different planes have different types of life jackets, but here at Qantas, regardless of your aircraft type, 747-400 "Longreach", 767-300ER, A330-200, etc., you may be on a different type of plane, but we only have the type with the single waist-strap. |
:D
Originally Posted by flysurfer
But then again, since Qantas never crashes, they can leave the lights on. Safety might not be an inssue to them. Self-important saftey videos and speeches certainly are.
It was all standard stuff that any FTer with aviation knowledge could write cold. Except for that one item that made my day. Occupational Requirement: Strong Swimming Skills. :D |
Originally Posted by Flaflyer
:D Occupational Requirement: Strong Swimming Skills. :D
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