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"At this time..." AAAAUUUUGGGHHHH!
maybe it's just me...
has anyone else ever noticed that 90% of all airline announcements begin with, "At this time?" I did a trip last week, AUS to SAN and back, and i sorta counted. i heard it roughly 37 times. im not kidding. it doesnt even make sense! at this time - is that an instant? what interval of time? are other messages full of time-delay instructions? its not like i hear, "in ten minutes, you will get a soda, in five minutes we will take off, at this time, buckle your seat belt." why not just say, "ladies and germs, please fasten your seatbelts?" to keep ths on topic, i earned a TON of miles on that trip. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif |
Many in-flight announcements are gobbledygook of various kinds. For instance, Delta repeatedly tells passengers to put their personal electronic devices in the "off position." Isn't "turn them off" good enough?
On a recent United flight, the FA making the announcements was both articulate and humorous. It was a pleasure listening to her. Unfortunately, such experiences are too rare. Bruce |
One of my favorites I hear all the time, “On behalf of myself and [Airline X] I’d like to welcome you to [destination Y].” On behalf of myself?!?! Must be many schizophrenic flight attendants.
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Interesting reinterpretation of parsing when the flight attendants' announcements go, "AT THIS TIME... please make sure that your seat backs and tray tables are in their full, upright, and locked positions..."
Anyone care to tell me what the "full" position of a tray table or seat back is? And shouldn't "full," as an adverb, be "fully"? I remember looking at a script booklet on an airplane before, and sure enough, the booklet itself had printed "'full' upright." You figure the ones who are in charge of writing/proofing/signing off on these things would have some semblance of a grasp of standard grammar. Not hankering for a fight, or criticising (except maybe the booklet-writing aspect). |
I'm glad I'm not the only one who is irritated by these types of things! So many "official" announcements--especially those coming from the government--contain an amazing number of grammatical mistakes, contorted phrasings and pseudo-legalistic language. I can hear my 10th grade English teacher now: Just say what you mean, clearly and concisely!!!
Sorry, to get this back on topic: I took a quick trip to SLC last weekend and also got a TON of miles! [This message has been edited by stephlac (edited 12-11-2001).] |
This thread is very funny!
I like the "full, upright and locked position." Speaking of which, don't you love the part where they say to "insert the metal fitting into the buckle?" Is there anyone on Planet Earth that doesn't know how to put on a seatbelt??? I always think of the dental term, buccal, which is the surface of the tooth that faces the cheeks, so you are supposed to insert the seat belt into your mouth http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif |
And how about when they talk about "deplaning?" Has anyone ever tried to debus, decar, deboat or detrain? Or, for that matter, debike, decart or dehorse? (No comments about putting decart before dehorse, please.) Who invented this non-word?
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But, "deplane" must be a word. Remember fantasy island? "Deplane, deplane!"
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I remember reading once that some person proposed forming a startup airline. He was going to name it "At this time airways" - just so those FA's and gate agents would have to rephrase their inane announcements so as not to give the cometition a free mention....
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While everyone apparently understands how to fasten a seatbelt, trust me when I say I've seen people who couldn't unfasten themselves from it.
They just feel the buckle all over, top and bottom, trying to find the button to release the belt. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by hobson: "Deplane, deplane!"</font> Seriously though, I prefer disembark. Deplane is better than "deboard," however. |
to take this way off topic...
I once had a FA ask me to fasten my seatbelt while still parked at the gate...I reply, "you haven't shown me how to yet" (it had been a long week)...she didn't have a reply, but from the look on her face it was one of- fasten the belt of get off the plane kinda thing...it was worth it though! |
My favorite is:
In the event of a water landing . . . Uh, in the event that this 757 ends up in the drink, its going to be a crash, not a landing. |
I had a delightful FA on a flight to PHL on Saturday. He greeted our landing with, "It is USAirways' pleasure to welcome you to Philadelphia -- the city that loves ya back!" (Paraphrasing Philly's tourism slogan.) He ended with "Thank you for choosing to Fly the Flag -- USAirways."
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<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by richard: This thread is very funny! I always think of the dental term, buccal, which is the surface of the tooth that faces the cheeks, so you are supposed to insert the seat belt into your mouth http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/smile.gif</font> |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by jtg_seattle: One of my favorites I hear all the time, “On behalf of myself and [Airline X] I’d like to welcome you to [destination Y].” On behalf of myself?!?! Must be many schizophrenic flight attendants.</font> Two questions: 1. Who were you before "now"? 2. What does it mean to be someone on someone else's behalf? |
Emm, Turn off all computers and word processing equipment
Now, I've been in IT for some time now but the last time I saw a non-computer piece of Word Processing Equipment was a long time ago... |
No offense intended but I wasn't aware that any of you people listened to those announcements anyway. I'll be standing up there doing the demo (showing you how to buckle your seat belt, etc...) and look out and see about 100 eyes reading, looking out the window, playing in their purse, doing ANYTHING BUT looking at the demo. And that being the case, I never, EVER suspected anyone was listening. -- It's fun sometimes to throw a curve ball in your announcements just to see if anyone is paying attention. For instance, I like to say "it is a federal crime to tamper with or disable the smoke detectors or two way mirrors in the lavatories." - A couple people will usually look up from their books - the rest go right on doing what they were doing. ---- I'll have to keep in mind that you people really are listening......
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We are much more likely to listen -- maybe with just one ear -- to a real human than to those ghastly videos. I automatically tune those out, especially because I have them memorized. But real humans can be interesting, as AS Flyer just proved!
Bruce |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by AS Flyer: No offense intended but I wasn't aware that any of you people listened to those announcements anyway.</font> |
Well, when you know the saftey briefing word by word I think it's OK not to listen. Whenever I am on an Airline I don't know or a new type of AC I listen carefully but let's not overestimate the impact of the briefing, the way people will react in a true emergency will probably not include any of the tips mentioned...
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<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by bdschobel: We are much more likely to listen -- maybe with just one ear -- to a real human than to those ghastly videos. I automatically tune those out, especially because I have them memorized. But real humans can be interesting, as AS Flyer just proved! Bruce</font> |
Yeah, you got me there! Supposedly she is a real flight attendant, not an actress. Obviously, Delta did not select her randomly to appear on camera.
Bruce |
And what is meant by "preboarding". How do you preboard an airline? You either board or you don't board. And what about the "boarding process"? George Carlin has an incredibly funny routine on this very subject.
It's also why the Southwest announcements are so appreciated. |
George Carlin has covered the FA announcements from start to end of the journey. Its very funny. I think the video was 'Jammin in NY'. The weirdest in my opionion is when you land in an airport FA 'welcomes' you to the airport. In Carlin's words, "who the f*** are you to welcome me to the city, we f***** came together in the same f****** aircraft!!"
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<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by richard: Speaking of which, don't you love the part where they say to "insert the metal fitting into the buckle?" Is there anyone on Planet Earth that doesn't know how to put on a seatbelt???</font> Someone needs to take the lawyer that filed that suit, and put him on a plane with lots of turbulence and no seat belts. |
To quote George Carlin:
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2"> Listening to the airlines' annoucements, and trying to pretend to ourselves that the language they're using is really English. Doesn't seem like it to me. The whole thing begins when you get to the gate: "We'd like to begin the boarding process." The extra word, "process," not necessary. Boarding is enough. "We'd like to begin the boarding." Simple. Tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. "Boarding process." Sounds important. It isn't. It's just a bunch of pepole getting on an airplane. As part of this boarding process, they say "We would like to pre-board." What does it mean, to get on before you get on? As part of this boarding, they say: "We would like to preboard those passengers travelling with small children." Well what about those passengers travelling with large children? Suppose you have a two-year old with a pituitary disorder. A 6-foot infant with an oversized head. The kind of kid you see on the National Enquirer all the time. Actually, with a kid like that, I think you're better off checking him right in with your luggage at the curb. About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane... I say f*&k you, I'm getting in the plane! Let Evil Kinevel get on the plane, I'll be in here with you folks in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here.... They might tell you you're on a nonstop flight. Well, I don't think I care for that. No, I insist that my flight stop. Preferably, at an airport. It's those sudden, unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day. They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a "change of equipment" -- a broken plane. ...telling me to put my seat back forward. Well I don't bend that way. If I could put my seat back forward, I'd be in porno movies. ...especially on the "Flight Deck". Which is the latest euphamism for Cockpit. Can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like "cockpit", can you? Especially with all those Stewardesses going in and out of it all the time... There's a word that's changed over time. First it was "Hostess", then it was "Stewardess", now it's Flight Attendant". Know what I call 'em? "The lady on the plane." ...Sometimes they actually refer to these peole as "uniformed crew members." Uniformed. As opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the "F*&k You" hat. As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, they begin the safety lecture. This is my favorite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the safety lecture, especially where they teach us how to use the seatbelt. Here we are, a plane full of grown human beings, many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle. "Place the small metal flap into the buckle." Well I ask for clarification at that point.... Seatbelt: hi-tech sh*&t. The next thing they do is tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit. Well I do this immediately. I locate my nearest exit and I plan my route. It's not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there's a really big, fat f*&k sitting right in front of you. Well you know you'll never get over him. I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarfs, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can't move too well -- the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you'll get out of the plane a lot godd*&ned quicker, believe me. I say "Let's see, I'll go around the fat f&*k, step on the widow's head, push those children out of the way, knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others." </font> |
The announcement I will miss is on the TWA Express, the little puddle jumpers in the midwest.
When you land they have a tape recorded announcement of a jolly booming voice saying "Welcome to your destination." That's all it said, no keep seated until we park, etc. I just love a personalized welcome to "my destination" They didn't even bother to try to personalize it, or -gasp- have the FA (or pilot if the plane was really small) actually make the announcement. My other favorite is when you are landing in one of those one or two gate airports is when the FA announces "We don't have any connecting gate information, please check the monitors inside the gate area for that information." Many of these municipal/regional airports don't have monitors, and the only connecting flight would be to get right back on the plane you exited and fly back to their hub. Then last week on a packed American flight going to Palm Springs, the ground crew person gets on the PA and does his traditional pitch, but decides we are going to Palm Beach, correcting it to West Palm Beach, telling us that if our plans don't include W. Palm Beach to get off the plane. Now that announcement did get quite a bit of attention. Remember, just because you know how to operate the microphone doesn't mean you know what you are talking about. This goes for some television news anchors, who don't know how to operate the microphone, but there are people on staff who do that sort of thing for them. |
And what about another "at this time":
"At this time, we will momentarily begin boarding...." Note to the airlines: It's one or the other; either we're going to board momentarilly, or we're boarding now. Not both. And while we're at it: How can you " observe the no-smoking sign until you are in the terminal." Quite a feat, that one. [This message has been edited by cblaisd (edited 12-12-2001).] |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by ManyMiles: Actually, I have a little superstition about this. On every flight, I always read the entire safety card, note the nearest exit, and listen to the safety briefing. It's just a superstition, but it can't hurt. Doesn't matter how experienced a flyer you are -- hardly any of us have any experience with an emergency. Can't hurt to have things fresh in your mind.</font> Yeah, yeah, I know, it'll probably violate more FAA regs than we can count....but it was just a thought. ------------------ UA PremExec (2001) mailto:[email protected][email protected]</A> |
My favorite was on a Delta flight where the flight attendant announced the movie. The movie was "Blow Dry" but that is not what was announced.
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I've heard more jokes on Southwest during safety briefing:
"in event of sudden cabin depressurization...if you are seated next to a small child or someone acting like a small child, put your mask on first..." These serve a positive purpose because you listen when you are expecting jokes instead of tuning out. |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by UA_Eagle: Me too! I *always* review the safety card quickly everytime I get on, even through by now I can do the demo from memory.</font> 1. If I'm on a plane I don't fly frequently, to refamiliarize myself with the layout. 2. If I'm sitting in an exit row. I always make good and sure I know how to open the door. See, I'm looking out for you guys! I also count rows to the nearest exit, and have a backup in the other direction in mind. |
A bit off-topic, but I'm reminded of this professor I knew who was an elderly gentleman, a law professor at that.
When he flies, he never sits in the exit row. As he explained it to me... "They always assume it's because I am unable to operate the exit door, but the fact is I'm just unwilling." Ahh, the British sense of humour. |
This reminds me of George Carlin's bit on airplanes and flying the airlines.....I loved it....
Get on the plane, get on the plane....I say f*** you....I'm getting IN THE PLANE!!!!.....there seems to be less wind in there! Make sure you take all of your personal belongings with you.....well what other kind of belongings are there other than personal? Public belongings?.......that you might have brought on board.....well I might have brought my personal arrowhead collection.....but I didn't.....SO I'M NOT GONNA LOOK FOR IT! The captain has illuminated the.......captain? Did I miss so armed forces swearing in ceremony? He's a f***ing pilot and should be happy with that......Tell the captain that Air Marshall Carlin says GO F*** YOURSELF! The one that always gets me on board of DL is "check the security of your seat belt." Well.....even when it is unbuckled....it is farily secure.....not gonna come off to easily. I wish DL would play that bit from Carlin on their flights. The whole plane would be ROTFL! |
More George Carlin:
The safety lecture continues: "In the unlikely event..." This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming, as it does, from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times... "In the unlikely event of a change in cabin pressure..." ROOF FLIES OFF!! "... an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally." Well, I have no problem with that -- I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600MPH uncontrolled vertical dive. I also S#!T normally! Right in my pants! They tell you to adjust your own mask before adjusting your kid's. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I'm probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all. This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his f***ing VCR, he can g*dd**n jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing..... just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as, say, for instance, a seat belt. The safety lecture continues: "In the unlikely event of a water landing..." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean? "...your seat cushion can be used as a flotation device." Well, imagine that..... my seat cushion! Just what I need to float around the North Atlantic for several days..... clinging to a pillow full of beer farts! |
Notice that they collect the "service items" instead of what we call it in my house which is "trash."
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<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by AS Flyer: "it is a federal crime to tamper with or disable the smoke detectors or two way mirrors in the lavatories."</font> |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by Dudemon: I've flown with you before. http://www.flyertalk.com/forum/wink.gif</font> Also overheard, "we will now be dimming the cabin lights to improve the looks of the cabin crew" |
<font face="Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif" size="2">Originally posted by richard: I've heard more jokes on Southwest during safety briefing: "in event of sudden cabin depressurization...if you are seated next to a small child or someone acting like a small child, put your mask on first..." These serve a positive purpose because you listen when you are expecting jokes instead of tuning out.</font> "In the event of a water landing, we're really really far off course." |
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