This was pretty funny!!!!
Sep 13, 1999, 2:38 pm
#1
Original Poster
Join Date: Mar 1999
Location: Philadelphia, PA, USA, US CP, SPG PLAT
Programs: US Chairman, SPG PLAT, National Elite Exec
Posts: 176
This was pretty funny!!!!
FW: This was pretty funny!!!!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some examples of actual announcements that have been heard or reported...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, saying "Whoa, big fella! WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
" Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it!"
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight..."
Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the Southwest Airlines flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
During the final approach of an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot reported that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. As she prepared to leave, she said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land... Or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on the loudspeaker with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
------------------
__________________________________________
Two wrongs may not make a right, but three lefts do.
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some examples of actual announcements that have been heard or reported...
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker, saying "Whoa, big fella! WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
" Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it!"
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight..."
Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, the Southwest Airlines flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault...it was the asphalt!"
During the final approach of an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot reported that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. As she prepared to leave, she said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land... Or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on the loudspeaker with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
------------------
__________________________________________
Two wrongs may not make a right, but three lefts do.
Sep 13, 1999, 5:07 pm
#3
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Thornhill,ON,Can
Posts: 269
In June, I was returning home and got on a CLE-BUF Continental Express Flight.
The FA starts her announbcement "Welcome aboard to Continental Express flight to Rochester".
Thirty people all shouted at the same time. "Rochester, we are going to Buffalo". This was her 5th flight that day and all of the other were between Cleveland and Rochester.
It was funny to hear everyone shout at the same time. Later the pilot comes and a says "Our flying time to Buffalo, YES we are going to BUFFALO, will be.....".
Everyone had a good laugh about it.
The FA starts her announbcement "Welcome aboard to Continental Express flight to Rochester".
Thirty people all shouted at the same time. "Rochester, we are going to Buffalo". This was her 5th flight that day and all of the other were between Cleveland and Rochester.
It was funny to hear everyone shout at the same time. Later the pilot comes and a says "Our flying time to Buffalo, YES we are going to BUFFALO, will be.....".
Everyone had a good laugh about it.
Sep 13, 1999, 6:40 pm
#5
Join Date: May 1999
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 8,564
Last year when I flew LAX-ORD-LAN on AA, we landed at ORD and got the usual "please wait until the captain has extinguished the seat belt sign" message. Of course everyone (not me though) ignored it and jumped up when _they_ decided we were done. Then the plane lurched forward! I don't think anyone was hurt, so it was therefore quite funny and poetic justice. [I used to notice, when I sat in the back, it was always Business Class passengers who leapt up first, before the sign was off of course. They must hate me now that I'm in an aisle in Business Class so much!]
THEN, on the ORD-LAN segment (American Eagle), we had a FA who thought he was a comedian. I don't remember any of his patter, except for the final one. "Welcome to Lansing. Due to a staffing shortage at American Eagle, we require volunteers to help clean the plane. Anyone wishing to volunteer, please indicate by standing before the seat-belt sign is extinguished." No one stood before the light was out.
andrew
[This message has been edited by Andrew Webber (edited 09-13-1999).]
THEN, on the ORD-LAN segment (American Eagle), we had a FA who thought he was a comedian. I don't remember any of his patter, except for the final one. "Welcome to Lansing. Due to a staffing shortage at American Eagle, we require volunteers to help clean the plane. Anyone wishing to volunteer, please indicate by standing before the seat-belt sign is extinguished." No one stood before the light was out.
andrew
[This message has been edited by Andrew Webber (edited 09-13-1999).]